Gender identity ocd is so triggered today, I just need someone to talk to, feel so alone and hopeless ://

Thank you <3 it really helps me feel less alone. How long have you had this theme?

@Whatabtme I had this theme one day before my birthday the 27. October and you ?

@Janajana About a year and a half now :/ it started some time after my sexual orientation ocd got pretty bad

@Whatabtme Do you wanna talk witch thoughts especially trigger you

@Janajana Sure, yeah I mostly get triggered by my body/appearance, and trans coming out stories. Like I recently needed to buy a new bra and getting it in the mail and thinking of trying it on has me so triggered about my gender. What kinds of thoughts trigger you?

@Whatabtme Everything. My own body, everything I do , how I speak, my make up, me without make up, with make up, what I think of past thoughts or fantasies I had just everything. I feel so incredibly lost I really do not know how to handle it , it ate me up. No it wasn’t like that in the past and I was fine and happy . Even if it was fake I would rather never discover it because I‘m disgusted and sad and angry and lost.

@Janajana I hear every word you say and can relate so much. In the span of 5 minutes today I went through a whole scenario in my head about shaving my head and what I would look and feel like and what it meant about my identity, to the point where I thought I had to shave my head now so I not avoiding the trigger 🙃 Ocd is exhausting and I'm so sorry it's affecting us so bad. I hear you and see you.

@Whatabtme Are we twins ??? Last night I was hyperaware of my hair and got the urge to shave it and couldn’t sleep like it meant life or death to me. I calmed myself down but I‘m so scared it felt like I need to do it for my identity. Do you also experience not liking your body anymore and feeling really not like your gender anymore?

@Janajana I still have this feeling right know with my hair ,this can‘t be normal. I feel like I have to do it in a bun or something or shave it this can‘t be normal because I always loved my long hair I didn’t wanna cut it for 17 years but now it feels like I have to do it and this would express my identity .

@Janajana Yes! Like it feels so urgent, like it has to happen right away to get the answer even though it won't give an answer. And yes, I also experience feeling lots of discomfort about my body now. I used to be so pleased with my female body and I was confident, I was a somewhat feminine person but i was also embracing my more masculine traits because I was comfortable not conforming to all gender roles. But now, with the ocd, it's like I can barely look in a mirror, get dressed, or look at myself without getting triggered. Showers are super triggering, choosing outfits is super triggering, doing my hair is super triggering, deciding whether or not to shave my legs is super triggering.... I mean it's just so exhausting

@Whatabtme YESSS!!!! I feel the same way ! Do you have the same feeling that you feel uncomfortable when other people say She/Her and you know think Beeing male would make you more happy? I always been the same as you said , I even liked to role play as a male kind of but I was confident because I loved my feminine side too and I always referred as myself as a female and I can‘t remember feeling like I will be a male in the future since now.

@Janajana now *

@Janajana I know what you mean. I feel similarly, like when people mention pronouns I get uncomfortable and triggered. I used to have a bug obsession about being called she or her bc my ocd makes me obsess that what if I'm wrong about that too... it's so tiring

@Whatabtme Do you go to therapy?

@Janajana And also ,could we stay in contact somehow because I feel like only a small group of people feel the same and sometimes this can be hard

@Janajana Yeah I went to therapy for a long time for childhood trauma, then I finally did nocd therapy a few months ago. It helped me quite a bit at the time but since then I've had lots of ocd spikes and currently am having a really hard time with ocd.

@Janajana And yes, we should it is so hard to find others who go thru the same

@Whatabtme Yes, if you need and want you can always comment under this thread and I will answer so we can stay on contact :)

@Janajana That sounds good, same to you :)

@Whatabtme Do you feel a hard moving on with your live like you did before after this transgender thought. It feels like I’m ignoring something important but I do not feel 100% feminine anymore like I used to

@Janajana Like before this I‘ve always loved pink (and if you know gossip girl) I‘ve always wanted to be like the character Blair Waldorf or when I was a kid I had tons of Ariana grande posters and wanted to be like her. Now I feel so scared because during this theme I sometimes behaved masculine and found it cool but just like acting. I always imagined Beeing a girl with a boy now it feels like lying or that I do not really want I anymore. Do you relate to that ?

@Janajana Yes absolutely, but I've also felt that fear with every theme I've had with ocd

Yes pls <3