I’m crying so much right now. Thoughts about being stuck with OCD forever. My intrusive thoughts aren’t even causing anxiety, they just make me cry. I can’t seem to recognize if I’m doing compulsions. I feel like I’m doing ERP wrong. My OCD tells me I don’t deserve to be happy or to be surrounded by people I care about. I really want this to be over but I don’t see an end in sight. Please God just make this pain go away. I’m so tired. Sorry for such a depressing post on the holidays but I’m just feeling so alone and I feel so lost.

I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

I need help everyone. My thoughts have been getting worse… I haven’t used my ERP because it feels too scary and too real and so I am caught in this spiral of doing compulsions with every other thought that I have. I have thoughts about that bad guy that are so horrible and then I think that the bad guy is talking to me so I do compulsions and desperately want GOD to believe me when I say I don’t mean the thoughts, but then it creates doubt about whether or not I actually do mean the thoughts. And now I am afraid of my own thoughts This makes me want to fix ALL of the thoughts and feelings that I have to prove even more to myself and to GOD that I don’t mean these thoughts. On top of all of this, I am trying to convince myself that it’s OCD and not me at all. Does anyone have this and can anyone help? I am so tired and scared and burnt out…