I’m crying so much right now. Thoughts about being stuck with OCD forever. My intrusive thoughts aren’t even causing anxiety, they just make me cry. I can’t seem to recognize if I’m doing compulsions. I feel like I’m doing ERP wrong. My OCD tells me I don’t deserve to be happy or to be surrounded by people I care about. I really want this to be over but I don’t see an end in sight. Please God just make this pain go away. I’m so tired. Sorry for such a depressing post on the holidays but I’m just feeling so alone and I feel so lost.

I really want somewhere to vent so this might take some time to read, sorry. I’ve had an awful morning. It feels like I’ve gone back a step in recovery because I’m feeling the same way I felt a couple months ago when my hocd was at its worst. I had completely convinced myself that I’d be better for Christmas (which I know is wrong to do but I couldn’t help it- I got through some difficult times by telling myself that). I’ve got family coming round tomorrow so we can celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I’m scared I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel the same as I do today. This times last year I was perfectly fine and it’s depressing knowing that I’ll never be free of this again (I’m only 15 so having to face the rest of my life with ocd, especially hocd, horrifies me). I feel utterly trapped and hopeless as well as being convinced my intrusive thoughts are true because my ocd doesn’t seem as bad as everyone else’s. Yesterday I was doing so much better and now I’m a mess but for some reason it still doesn’t feel like I have ocd and this is all one big denial. I’m not sure what I expect anyone to say but I just felt the need to tell someone since nobody in my life knows what I’m going through right now. I just want to be ok for Christmas because I haven’t seen my family in a while. This is all so overwhelmingly isolating:(

I don’t know if I’m ever going to get better, if I’m ever going to feel good, if I’m ever going to be able to carry on with this 10 years down the road. It’s torture with no exit, for me recently. Every time I bring up my OCD around family, they get annoyed. I can’t go to friends because it has only been of temporary relief. I am literally tearing up as I write this. I’m afraid I’m so close to convincing myself of the horrible lies my OCD has been telling me. I just can’t, I don’t know if there’s anyone or thing that can make me feel better. It’s been like lifting gigantic boulder up a steep mountain the entire day—and I could be crushed by it if not careful. If there is a god, why must he put me through this? I have already been through some many enough hard times in life, this OCD has only magnified any insecurities, anxieties, feeling of loneliness, self hate, and negative emotions.

I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m so fed up of the way my OCD makes me feel, plagued with thoughts that I hate my son, I don’t love my partner, I want to die, my life is pointless. I’m trying so hard, I’m doin ERP, I’m trying to carry on my life as normal but I just feel SO depressed. I am convinced that I am stuck like this forever now, clearly nothing is working and I’m just ready to give up 😢