drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

I've been doing ERP because it claims to make it go away. I faced my anxiety and had a full on panic attack doing ERP. I had thought of disturbing thoughts so much that I was actually calm with it and was able to get to a resting heart rate. But I started getting confused like why am I okay with this thought happening to me? Am I actually enjoying the thought of this? Is this what ERP was supposed to do to me? I feel like I could actually be gay now! All these thoughts rushing in so I looked up a therapist on youtube who said to pretend to enjoy these thoughts. Like tell yourself you enjoy these thoughts while doing ERP. I tried it but now im questioning myself EVEN MORE because I actually convinced myself I like it. Somebody please tell me how to handle this I'm really anxious right now and I don't even know if it's OCD and i've been lying to myself saying it's OCD

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

Been there. Week 2 or 3 of ERP I told my therapist this will be a waste of time and money because I'll just come to terms with being gay and be out money and time. But then I started feeling better after continuing my ERP homework. It actually allowed me to get out of bed and get to work. The ERP won't answer your sexuality question, I believe it will just let live with uncertainty and habituate your anxiety. I know this isn't the answer you want but its what I got. Today was a horrible day for me, I am currently watching/reading coming out stories for my ERP and its really difficult

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

Dude I went full on panic mode I thought you said your therapist told you that you'll come to terms with being gay. I had to re-read that. My mind is so fkd right now That's great that you're feeling better. Did you continue doing the same ERP methods you did before, or did your therapist switch things up for you? I don't have a therapist so I printed an intrusive thoughts worksheet online. It's helped but sometimes I get these setbacks..

Endriu

Date posted: 3y

Hi guys, I've read all your comments and I feel pretty much in your situation too. Expecially what @sparker1289 said. I think the only way is to accept the possibility that, what we cannot accept may be real. I know its like eating a pile of s##t, but that means it's the core of ocd, its the Sauron eye 😄 If we accept it, and we pass though the initial, almost unbearable anxiety, after a while our brain will stop to ruminate, because there will be nothing more to be solved. Hence we will be free to discover ourselves in a happier mode.

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

I told my girlfriend when this first came up, she was pretty supportive until she wasn't (drunk) and she has said some pretty mean things to me. She apologized and hasn't done it since, we are committed to seeing where this relationship goes but I don't share with her everything anymore...I don't think she needs to know everything about my thoughts, I have also heard that confessing is a part of OCD as well

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

I see how that could make you want to keep things. That's relieving to know that it's part of OCD. Means that we still have work to do.

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

I had a solid 2 weeks of feeling good but having went to my girlfriends house and listening to her cousin and brother joke about each other being gay and then going to their lesbian Aunts house afterwards and then my girlfriend not coming over to spend the night made for a difficult day today for me. Like I said, reading coming out stories is really hard for me... I'm 31, a father of a 4yo son, and in a relationship so I have purposely targeted those kinds of coming out stories to really get under my skin... I started out: Shirtless Men on Google 2 Men Kissing on Google Watching Gay Movie Trailers And now Coming Out Stories

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

Does your girlfriend know about your situation? Did your therapist advise you to share what you're going through? I have a girlfriend as well and last time I shared something about this with her she freaked out and that made me freak out. It must be hard to deal with this crap while taking care of your child

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

Also thank you for sharing your path, if things don't look too rough I might give that a try for ERP too

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

@drinkingwater Do you fear that you're lying to your girlfriend?

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

@Sparker1289 - Lying, as in?

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

@drinkingwater Lying as in, you feel like you're gay but you're still in a relationship with her...does that make sense?

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

@Sparker1289 - Oh I see. No I don't feel like I'm lying to her. I don't really feel like I'm gay. I love her very much and still get groinal feelings towards her. I've never been into a man emotionally so I use that as comfort sometimes. I never thought of men physically either until I read a very disturbing gay s*x story to test myself. I didn't feel aroused, more like disturbed.

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

@Sparker1289 - Do you feel that you're lying to your girlfriend?

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

@drinkingwater Yes, unfortunately. I wish I didn't.

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

@Sparker1289 - Hey im not sure if you got my msg cause it doesnt show for me. But keep fighting, your OCD is literally playing you. It can change the way you think and make it seem like its true when its not, thats literally what sexual orientation OCD does. Keep fighting and facing your fears

Sparker1289

Date posted: 3y

@drinkingwater Are you able to send Direct Messages?

jfount11117

Date posted: 3y

I’m sorry you guys are going thru this. I have harm OCD and this is the most ridiculous S@?T I have ever seen! What or how in the hell do our brains come up with this stuff!?!?

drinkingwater

Date posted: 3y

I don't know but it sucks.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

hbocd

Date posted: 17w

ERP Therapy

I read about ERP and have seen information about it on here. One of the goals is to say, "maybe I am this or that...ect." That terrified me. The thoughts and images that go in my head are disturbing and upsetting. I don't want to even think about saying, "maybe this or that." It's devasting to have these thoughts and question why you're having these thoughts. Doesn't the "maybe" make it worse? The one thing that helps me is that is to remind myself that these are just thoughts and I know I'm not a monster, even if I feel like one. Is ERP not for everyone? Has anyone else had a problem with the techniques used in this kind of therapy? I had cognitive therapy for years with an OCD specialist and that seemed to help a lot. Writing out the worst case scenarios would make me suicidal. Im having a difficult time not obsessing over the "maybe" after intrusive thoughts now. It doesn't make it better.

Anonymous

Date posted: 9w

Need help right now

So been trying to do erp with my therapist for a while now, and tis really hard and feels like it's not working. Il get this weird sensation or feeling that makes me feel"gay" or as if I'm attracted to someone, and I know my therapist keeps telling me" you don't have to put meaning into the thoughts or feelings" but that seems impossible to do because and I'm sorry to say, it makes me feel that specific way. And I'll use the Erp quotes, "maybe maybe not" or"the more I struggle, the worse it gets" or"these feelings and thoughts are here, but I'm choosing to let them be" and I'll do nothing and try to let it be here but it's so distracting and feels very real, and it's like this sensation, small or big and it last all day, and even just sitting with it isn't working. And my therapist will tell me"you don't have to believe in it" and I'm sorry I feel like if it were that easy, OCD would have never been a problem in the first place, or live with uncertainty, however it doesn't feel like uncertainty, but feels very truthful or valid. Idk what I'm doing wrong tho

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