really scared i might be a narcissist after watching this video about narcissism and how narcissists in childhood had parents that did high praise and high abuse and so all they know for love is praise and they can either cling onto the messaging that they were a piece of shit and die by age 40 by suicide and drug overdose (according to the guy in the video) or they cling on to the praise they got and think they are above other people and only are after praise and thats why a lot of them are charming and funny because they know how to read people give them what they want to get that supply and like i relate to being addicted to making other people like me... but not in order to take advantage of them... its more because im desperate to feel good about myself...i never thought about it as being for praise but like yeah my job growing up in the family i felt was to make my dad laugh it made me feel special and also sometimes it meant he would not become explosive and scary and so now most of my relationships are based on me making people love me by being "on" but to be clear its a reflex im not like plotting or planning but its definitely effort but like effort of talking too much and telling too many stories to make me feel calm because people are laughing so everything is good but still its a stream of thoughts like verbal diarrhea that i cant stop but like i feel exhausted after social interactions because of it and im afraid of being vulnerable and i mean ive never intentionally hurt a friend but i mean when a friend has been mad at me i have withdrawn and hid and sometimes people say narcissists withdraw as a form of hurting others and i do sometimes i just get so mad and dont know how to deal with it that i just shut down and i do silent treatment because its the only way i know how to express im mad at someone i mean dont get me wrong i have screamed and yelled before but i try to keep that to a minimum and really have only shown that ugly side to my family because i dont want to lose people if they saw my shitty anger and so like fuck i really dont want to be a narcissist but honestly i love making strangers laugh getting attention and people think im charming im not trying to toot my own horn like " ugh im so awesome therefor i must be a narcissist " like i just know these are things people have told me and ive never had romantic relationships like i only like flirting and getting that attention but i get scared of any real interest any real connection or intimacy and i mean my sister is pretty sure my dads a narcissist im pretty sure she was the scapegoat child and i was one who got more praise and i just dont want to be that i dont want to be someone who thinks of people as supply i dont think i do but i also know i have unhealthy connections i always thought of myself as more codependent like my mother but idk maybe im just obsessing over finding a label for every pattern of behavior i have and need to calm down but it seems like NPD and BPD have become huge trends online in the past 10 years so many diagnostic videos of how to know if youre around someone like that and i used to think my ex best friend was a narc and i was codependent but what if its the other way around? and why are these personality disorders something everyone online talks about now? like not just reddit or quora but youtube and twitter so often someone will talk about an ex bf and someone will say sounds like he was npd and they never even met the person like everyone not just people with ocd are like compulsively labeling people with mental health disorders that they dont seem 100% qualified to make especially fake dr. phil internet doctors i mean maybe im just saying this because i dont want this guys video to be right because that description of an NPD person's childhood resonated with me so much but i mean thats what my brain does its latches onto the one symptom of shit like this and then im convinced i have the personality disorder ... how do i know if its an ocd spiral or something to worry about for real? isnt a good sign that you arent npd if you dont want to be or is that bullshit too?

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help

I’ve had off and on fears and thoughts of being a narcissist but at this point it doesn’t feel like a fear anymore it feels true and it feels like it all makes sense the more I learn about narcissism. I’ve even put the label on myself and have been monitoring all my social interacts and motivations. I don’t know if telling myself I’m a narcissist causes me to act more narcissistic either. I have some specific examples and factors to talk about that might be too long to post, so if I can talk about them to anyone on here I’d appreciate it 😭🙏

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small