Hey guys I’m going to rant and seek some guidance. So the reason why this all started for me is because of a situation where I thought he SA me. Reason being is because I was half asleep when it happened. I had an idea what was going on , it felt good, and when I told him to stop he did. 2 months go by and I get a thought that he SA me. This sent me into a spiral where for months straight I would replay that night in my head. Every detail, I would tell everyone I was comfortable the situation and how to handle it but nothing felt right to me . I would consistently go back and forth. I would cry so much. I would bring this up to my boyfriend too much to seek reassurance but it was never enough. I told him how I never want to wake up to sex or him do stuff sexually to me while I’m asleep. Lately those thoughts have resurfaced again and it’s been making me uneasy. I just been letting them be, I do sometimes ruminate wondering why they are back. Tonight I spent time with him. We’ve been in a good place since this whole thing happened. I even apologized to him for all the damage I did to him and our relationship. We were cuddling and I kept going in and out of sleep like I normally do. I always go in and out of sleep because I have to get home at a certain time so I consistently check the time so I won’t get introuble. So I was triggered and was put in that certain situation again

Once I became fully awake the anxiety and what it hit. Like what if he did something to me and I was just too tired to know. What if I go back to square one again after I just gotten over it. What if I’ll never be able to sleep around him

@Anonymous:,( I’m not sure if it’s something I should bring up to him. Only because he didn’t do anything wrong like he didn’t do anything sexual to me. But I’m afraid of hurting him and making him upset cause it’s like we already talked about stuff like that and there’s no need to bring up again. I also feel like if I don’t say anything than I’ll most definitely lose my mind again like the first time. Like if I don’t tell anyone I feel like it’ll eat my alive and I’ll go back to my old ways.

@Anonymous:,( I feel like I have a control problem when it comes to intimacy. Like I always need to be the one in charge in a way. Like I’m the one needing to initiate and to be more dominant. I allow him to be dominant sometimes but when the times he initiates first it doesn’t feel too right in a sense.

@Anonymous:,( Idk what to do man. If you read all of this thanks . I’m sorry to have taken up your time. Leave some advice you can offer to me please if you have any

@Anonymous:,( Well he shouldn’t of intitated anything when you were almost asleep. That would scare anyone. I don’t know how far he went and it’s fine if you don’t want to specify but it can be traumatizing if it was on any level. It is good he stopped when you asked, it’s good you’ve been able to talk to him. But it is also understandable why you wouldn’t feel safe around him. You were put in a vulnerable place. If you can work it out with him and feel it’s worth doing so then continue to, but it’s also 100% understandable why you wouldn’t want to. You aren’t overreacting or anything like that. It was a breach of trust.

@PRYM Yeah last night he didn’t go far. He was just massaging my thigh. But it took me to that first time. I’m just upset because I thought it was something I was over with. I keep getting a lot of thoughts and my mind keeps repeating stuff. I just want to let it all go and be okay. I just want to love and be with my boyfriend. I want to have sex and be okay. My mind is just traumatized and I just want to let it go and be normal again. Thank you for reading and responding !!

@Anonymous:,( Give yourself some time. It’ll take time to heal from it. Just keep being vocal with your boyfriend about what you need from him and what you feel comfortable with. Let him know you need to ease back into things. It sounds like he wants to do right by you so he should respect that.

@PRYM Yeah I am I just get bad thoughts about him and I know that’s not how I really feel. So it’s just hard:(