This post is just serving as a journal entry for me, don’t feel the need to respond, but if you do, thank you! So today was my last therapy session with my school counselor, she was still worried about me since last time we had spoken she was recommending I check myself into the emergency room for suicidal thoughts and fear of hurting others unintentionally. My intrusive thoughts have been running rampant, and acting on compulsions often leave me feeling terrible and fearful. My brain won’t allow me to just leave things and not go back to analyze every little thing. I can’t seem to find much enjoyment in anything, after the therapy appointment I slept for some 4 hours, it seems that sleep is the only time I feel any sort of peace, but as soon as I wake, that very first second of being awake, all my memories, thoughts and fears come rushing back into my mind, it’s the worst feeling. But even though I’m still struggling a lot, I seem to be able to find some semblance of being okay, my health insurance coverage doesn’t kick in until December 1st, so tomorrow and I sadly have to wait a month until I can make an appointment with a psychologist so that my insurance will cover it. I’m constantly scared that I’m going to crack and do something truly terrible. But if I get too bad or the thoughts become too much then I’ll go to the hospital. It’s incredibly difficult right now, but hopefully I’ll be able to get through this upcoming month. My false memory has been really bad lately, it’s trying to convince me of some really horrible stuff, but reminding myself of my morals and values reminds me that I know I would never do what it’s telling me, while I’ve made some really dumb and idiotic mistakes, I know I wouldn’t ever do what it’s telling me. Reassurance doesn’t really help anymore so that’s stopped being a strong compulsion. I’m trying to cut off certain triggers from my life, while I know exposure is important, I’ve just been trying to avoid ones that I know won’t help. That’s basically been my day, I’m sad that I won’t see my school counselor anymore, and even more sad that she feels she couldn’t help me as much as she may have wanted to, but I’m grateful for having gone, because even though she doesn’t specialize in OCD, she has been incredibly kind and compassionate. Seeing her has allowed me to open up to those around me and be honest with all of them. While I know confessing is a compulsion, I feel as if telling those closest to me was a good idea, at least now they know everything. But I hope this month isn’t a truly awful one, I hope for not a good month, but at least a not so panic filled one. My counselor has asked me to keep in touch with her since she was really scared to just let me leave without going to the hospital, I hope I’ll be able to tell her some good news soon. For now, I’m just going to try and sleep for the night, I hope tomorrow is a better day.