Does this just not exist im so confused?
This sounds a lot like my experience with transgender OCD. Are you in therapy right now?
Yeah I fear I was just lying to him just so I could admit I wasn’t trans
Hey I have transgender OCD but also internalised homophobia/mysogyny and dysphoria but due to trauma not being trans so it was really difficult to figure that out 😅. But if you want to I can share what it’s like to have transgender OCD so you could maybe compare if you can relate or if you are actually trans.
Yeah I would like that?
@SteveB Sorry this is gonna be a little long because I have no idea how to put it short. I am a woman and also homosexual. This is my identity and I have finally figured that out. As a teenager I had huge problems with accepting this and I think that also caused the ocd in this area. As a child I had experienced trauma so when I started puberty I experienced trauma related dysphoria. I started with feeling uncomfortableness with my developing breast so that I started covering up and walking in a bad posture to hide them and ended in having such a bad dysphoria that I punched the mirror because I could not stand seeing that female body anymore and having panic attacks in the shower because I couldn’t imagine living like this anymore. Next to the dysphoria I also identified as a boy. I wanted to be one, have a male body, I wanted to be seen as one and I wanted to love a woman as a man. Because of my dysphoria I developed anorexia because I wanted my hips to disappear and the skinnier my legs became the less dysphoria I felt, same with my chest and breasts. I went to therapy for that and I had therapy for anorexia wich is mainly body focussed and Ona body and self acceptance. I got the Diagnose of Anorexia, trauma related gender and body dysphoria as well as body dysmorphia but luckily I am healed now. During this therpay I felt that my dysphoria became less. I continued that self and body acceptance therapy for about 2 years and got rid of dysphoria and now I feel completely comfortable in my skin and with the fact that I am a woman. I realised that I am not actually trans I just thought I was it because I had internalised mysogyny because I accosiated being female due to trauma with being vulnerable, being just something to be viewed as something sexual, being in danger, a burden, being less,a prison and on the opposite being male felt like freedom, freedom from being opressed, sexualised, being allowed to have an identity being myself, being strong. But I realised that I can be the same when I am female. I also thought I was that because I had very bad internalised homophobia. I couldn’t accept that since I found it out. I wanted to love a woman as a man. So I constantly tried to make myself at least bisexual but that didn’t worked. So the only way I would have allowed myself to be attracted to only women would have been for me to be a straight trans man. So this was also a goal for me to finally allow myself love. After I got confident in my identity I developed transgender ocd.... I constantly think about but in the past you felt different. I constantly compare myself to other trans people, I almost do nothing else at the moment than to consume TikToks of trans men even though I know I am not trans. I sit in front of the mirror shirtless almost waiting for dysphoria. I don’t have it anymore but when you sit for almost hours in front of the mirror and stare at yourslef you start to feel uncomfortable so I tell myself that this means I am trans... I don’t want top surgery but my ocd tell me this is what deep down I crave for. I am so scared I will do this I told my mother that when I want to start the surgery she should cancel it. Like an hour ago I was laying in my bed with no dysphoria, no uncomfortableness with the fact that I am female and no wish to transition. That’s when my ocd came and told me I want top surgery now. It constantly remind me even thought that’s the last thing I want. It made me think about that I am trans and lists me many reason why I am it and that I am in denial. It also checks with every men I saw if I want to be him and also if everything I do as a woman is actually what I want and if I would like to do this things made of I would be male, constantly question if I am trans, if my therpay progress was just a conversion therpay I did on myself to get the trans away even though 2 therapist diagnosed a trauma response not the fact that I am actually trans...... so that’s like what t ocd is like. I hope that maybe helped and I hope that you will find out what you really are :)
@nightrain23 Thank you for sharing this so much! I’m sorry about the trauma. I can relate to this story I was trying to find out why I had a same sex attraction and an attraction to trans women. My head said you want to be a woman thats why you have all these feelings. It’s so confusing because I don’t have dysmorphia and I don’t feel anything when I say to myself I’m trans. It’s constant anxiety over my identity. Even now I’m wondering was I cis male just confused and just looking for freedom and do what he wants without judgement. Or in denial about being trans and lying to my therapist.
@SteveB Hey no problem :) What you wrote kind of sounded like ocd. What’s typical for ocd is that constant questioning and doubting anything. That also makes it so hard for someone to find out if it is just denial of not being able to accept the fact that you are trans or ocd. What helped me with SOOCD as well as TOCD to realise that ocd usually wants you to rethink and question what you really are. Deep down you know what you are. But ocd will make you question it rationally. And I realised as soon as this rational comparing, questioning starts i know it is ocd. So I remind myself I know I am cis and homosexual and let the rational question just be another thought (easier said then done😅) However I hope you will find out what your true identity is :)
Hi Steve B, OCD can make you doubt anything and everything, it’s what it does best. The intrusive thoughts, feelings and obsessions can seem so real that it is sometimes extremely hard to tell the difference between what is real and not. Your OCD will not let you feel happy no matter whether you are or are not trans, because it wants you to stay in a constant state of distress to feed it and make it stronger. Not giving into the intrusive thoughts or trying to ruminate on whether or not you are trans, or want to be, is the way to starve it. Try not to give it a definitive answer and instead let the thought just be there and don’t try to prove or disprove it. Try to tell it “so what if I am or am not…you don’t deserve a definitive answer because you won’t be happy either way. I am me, and you can’t take away who I really am or what I have accomplished. So go kick rocks!” Or something like that. ;) Nightrain23, thanks so much for sharing your story. Very sorry to hear about your trauma, but glad to hear it sounds like you understand and have a good handle on the tricks your OCD has been throwing at you and some very good advice that you have been sharing.
Hey friend it’s not something I want but my mind keeps telling me I do. But I guess I still need to let the thought be there.