- Date posted
- 3y
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi Steve B, OCD can make you doubt anything and everything, it’s what it does best. The intrusive thoughts, feelings and obsessions can seem so real that it is sometimes extremely hard to tell the difference between what is real and not. Your OCD will not let you feel happy no matter whether you are or are not trans, because it wants you to stay in a constant state of distress to feed it and make it stronger. Not giving into the intrusive thoughts or trying to ruminate on whether or not you are trans, or want to be, is the way to starve it. Try not to give it a definitive answer and instead let the thought just be there and don’t try to prove or disprove it. Try to tell it “so what if I am or am not…you don’t deserve a definitive answer because you won’t be happy either way. I am me, and you can’t take away who I really am or what I have accomplished. So go kick rocks!” Or something like that. ;) Nightrain23, thanks so much for sharing your story. Very sorry to hear about your trauma, but glad to hear it sounds like you understand and have a good handle on the tricks your OCD has been throwing at you and some very good advice that you have been sharing.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey friend it’s not something I want but my mind keeps telling me I do. But I guess I still need to let the thought be there.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey I have transgender OCD but also internalised homophobia/mysogyny and dysphoria but due to trauma not being trans so it was really difficult to figure that out 😅. But if you want to I can share what it’s like to have transgender OCD so you could maybe compare if you can relate or if you are actually trans.
- Date posted
- 3y
Yeah I would like that?
- Date posted
- 3y
@SteveB Sorry this is gonna be a little long because I have no idea how to put it short. I am a woman and also homosexual. This is my identity and I have finally figured that out. As a teenager I had huge problems with accepting this and I think that also caused the ocd in this area. As a child I had experienced trauma so when I started puberty I experienced trauma related dysphoria. I started with feeling uncomfortableness with my developing breast so that I started covering up and walking in a bad posture to hide them and ended in having such a bad dysphoria that I punched the mirror because I could not stand seeing that female body anymore and having panic attacks in the shower because I couldn’t imagine living like this anymore. Next to the dysphoria I also identified as a boy. I wanted to be one, have a male body, I wanted to be seen as one and I wanted to love a woman as a man. Because of my dysphoria I developed anorexia because I wanted my hips to disappear and the skinnier my legs became the less dysphoria I felt, same with my chest and breasts. I went to therapy for that and I had therapy for anorexia wich is mainly body focussed and Ona body and self acceptance. I got the Diagnose of Anorexia, trauma related gender and body dysphoria as well as body dysmorphia but luckily I am healed now. During this therpay I felt that my dysphoria became less. I continued that self and body acceptance therapy for about 2 years and got rid of dysphoria and now I feel completely comfortable in my skin and with the fact that I am a woman. I realised that I am not actually trans I just thought I was it because I had internalised mysogyny because I accosiated being female due to trauma with being vulnerable, being just something to be viewed as something sexual, being in danger, a burden, being less,a prison and on the opposite being male felt like freedom, freedom from being opressed, sexualised, being allowed to have an identity being myself, being strong. But I realised that I can be the same when I am female. I also thought I was that because I had very bad internalised homophobia. I couldn’t accept that since I found it out. I wanted to love a woman as a man. So I constantly tried to make myself at least bisexual but that didn’t worked. So the only way I would have allowed myself to be attracted to only women would have been for me to be a straight trans man. So this was also a goal for me to finally allow myself love. After I got confident in my identity I developed transgender ocd.... I constantly think about but in the past you felt different. I constantly compare myself to other trans people, I almost do nothing else at the moment than to consume TikToks of trans men even though I know I am not trans. I sit in front of the mirror shirtless almost waiting for dysphoria. I don’t have it anymore but when you sit for almost hours in front of the mirror and stare at yourslef you start to feel uncomfortable so I tell myself that this means I am trans... I don’t want top surgery but my ocd tell me this is what deep down I crave for. I am so scared I will do this I told my mother that when I want to start the surgery she should cancel it. Like an hour ago I was laying in my bed with no dysphoria, no uncomfortableness with the fact that I am female and no wish to transition. That’s when my ocd came and told me I want top surgery now. It constantly remind me even thought that’s the last thing I want. It made me think about that I am trans and lists me many reason why I am it and that I am in denial. It also checks with every men I saw if I want to be him and also if everything I do as a woman is actually what I want and if I would like to do this things made of I would be male, constantly question if I am trans, if my therpay progress was just a conversion therpay I did on myself to get the trans away even though 2 therapist diagnosed a trauma response not the fact that I am actually trans...... so that’s like what t ocd is like. I hope that maybe helped and I hope that you will find out what you really are :)
- Date posted
- 3y
@nightrain23 Thank you for sharing this so much! I’m sorry about the trauma. I can relate to this story I was trying to find out why I had a same sex attraction and an attraction to trans women. My head said you want to be a woman thats why you have all these feelings. It’s so confusing because I don’t have dysmorphia and I don’t feel anything when I say to myself I’m trans. It’s constant anxiety over my identity. Even now I’m wondering was I cis male just confused and just looking for freedom and do what he wants without judgement. Or in denial about being trans and lying to my therapist.
- Date posted
- 3y
@SteveB Hey no problem :) What you wrote kind of sounded like ocd. What’s typical for ocd is that constant questioning and doubting anything. That also makes it so hard for someone to find out if it is just denial of not being able to accept the fact that you are trans or ocd. What helped me with SOOCD as well as TOCD to realise that ocd usually wants you to rethink and question what you really are. Deep down you know what you are. But ocd will make you question it rationally. And I realised as soon as this rational comparing, questioning starts i know it is ocd. So I remind myself I know I am cis and homosexual and let the rational question just be another thought (easier said then done😅) However I hope you will find out what your true identity is :)
- Date posted
- 3y
Does this just not exist im so confused?
- Date posted
- 3y
This sounds a lot like my experience with transgender OCD. Are you in therapy right now?
- Date posted
- 3y
Yeah I fear I was just lying to him just so I could admit I wasn’t trans
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w
I cant afford therapy which is why i’m not diagnosed with ocd. The first time i had heard what ocd was truly abt was 6 years ago when i overthinking my sexual identity and it fit. Additionally, i struggle with debilitating health anxiety and when i was in a rlt i was extremely anxious that i might not love my partner. This is the third year i experience distress around my sexuality but this year it feels real. And it could also explain my rlt anxiety. Comphet is a concept that really scares me. I dont want to be with a girl. I would rather die than discover i was lesbian. I cant accept uncertainty cz i dont want to be homosexual. Chat GPT told me it wasnt ocd + the thoughts dont distress me anymore. I experience 3 intense weeks of anxiety prior to now. Maybe its internalized homophobia. Maybe its comphet. I do find women to be attractive but i dont wanna be with them. Maybe i’m in denial. Idk anything anymore. I’m remembering times where i would find an actress attractive and try to shift my focus towards the man cz it would make me anxious. I’m not well at all.
- Date posted
- 16w
I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.
- Date posted
- 7w
2 nights ago I saw something on my phone and it has now spiraled into me scared of being trans or being gay because i don’t want to be… now i have a huge fear of what if i am gay and am attracted to woman or what if im not comfortable in my body and want to turn into a man. It’s freaking me out - my ocd always makes me question my character! Has anyone experienced this 😩
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