Told my friend I might be trans. She said you could be am I was happy someone understood and possibly accepted me. But I feels weird I have so much doubt. Was it OCD in the first place? I just started panicking again. That I was lying to myself the whole time. Maybe I am trans. I still don’t feel gender dysmoria my mind was convince my name has been Stephanie instead of Steve. Im so lost was I just scared my parents would hate me? Why don’t I feel happy that I could be trans this is so weird.

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

This is more under gender identity ocd but maybe someone will find it. I’m just kinda in a googling spiral rn Questions like: What does it mean to feel being your gender If I like taking pictures of me in makeup or without (and usually sending it to my bf) and my pretty outfits is that euphoria? How do I know if like being a woman? Autistic women and gender? (Idk I think I might be autistic and I keep seeing autistic women saying they feel like gender less aliens. Idk if I get that feeling. I love being a woman but I can’t tell if I feel it? Does that make sense?) Gender euphoria meaning and examples Am I depressed cuz im meant to be a man or is it cuz im burnt out If I dress masculine does that make me a man? (I never dress masculine ever. Maybe tomboyish? But like. Feminine tomboy if that makes sense. Think like. Skater girl. But that’s once in a blue moon. I live in cardigans and jeans a lot of the time (when I have patience to dress up) or joggers and a snoopy sweater I love) Has society forced me to be a woman? Is it ok to feel neutral some days being a woman or do I have to be excited all the time (answer is I can feel neutral yes) Is it burnout/depression or am I trans I genuinely have no desire to be a man. But im worried that there’s something hidden. Im worried there’s dysphoria hidden or a trait or smthn that I haven’t noticed. Or im gonna be one of those people who transitions in 20 years time at 40. Im worried im suppressing smthn. I used to be a big tomboy, thought I was a boy for a while, but grew out of it once I got to high school, idk if that was a puberty thing or a me finally feeling good about myself being away from my bullied thing or a society forcing me to act more like a girl thing. I never wore the kilt we had (catholic high school lol. Hated the thing) I just didn’t like it. I still don’t really wear skirts cuz I don’t like having my legs out unless I’m with someone I’m close to (like my bf) I’m not a huge fan of bikinis for the same reason. But I love long dresses and maxi skirts. I do love shorter dresses too but I wear them less. My bf is Muslim so I dress modestly and honestly I prefer it to the shorts all the time thing. I still wear crop tops with him, and I feel confident and beautiful and feel like myself but most of the time I’d rather a t shirt or a long sleeve. I honestly dress more comfortably rather than like out together cuz I’m a pre med student in my now third year of uni. I don’t have time to put makeup on every day when I have 3 classes in one day. Or pick a nice outfit every single day. I only wear super cute outfits on dates, going out with friends, important meetings, with his family or going to the mall, or if I have the random energy burst I have once or twice a month lol. And I feel like me in the outfit cuz it’s actually my style, not the stuff my mother wants me to wear a lot of the time (my mom is somewhat.. critical of my outfits. I wear a lot of cardigans and large sweaters cuz they’re comfy and I feel cute in them and she says I look like a grandma. Idk. Makes me feel meh.) but my bf makes me feel pretty, as do my friends. I never really question my gender. I just feel like a woman so I live as a woman. I feel happy as one, I love purple, I love wearing sparkly dresses. I still think about the dress I wore to a dance with my friends a couple years ago. I felt gorgeous. It was form fitting and covered in sequins. I felt so pretty. But I’m worried I actually didn’t and I was faking? But in that moment that night I felt like a Princess. And when I wore a long dress in the forest with my bf (accidental hike lol. We thought it was a sitting park. It was a hiking one) I felt so pretty. My makeup was gorgeous. He didn’t even have to tell me I looked pretty, I just felt gorgeous. Idk. I think I solved my problem. It’s 2am. I’m tired and I have class in the morning