My ocd is gaslighting me and distorting my reality so bad. I don't know what's more likely or less likely to happen. Everything just feels so likely to happen. I can't differentiate between my own judgment or if it's just my ocd talking. I can't move forward and make decisions because I don't know which ones are my real actions and which ones are just driven by my obsessions. I feel like every single action I take is a compulsion. I don't see myself anymore, I have no distinction between the real me and my ocd taking control of me. I don't know what to do or what I want to do because I've always let ocd choose what's best for me. I don't know if I still can make my own decisions, if it's always ocd doing all the decision-making for me.

I can really relate to that. I am also experiencing this feeling in regards to harm ocd. I am so scared I am going crazy, or that I'm a monster. Most days I feel so muddled, and scared, and tired because of it. I want to make things better and the fact that you're on here and sharing your feelings shows that you haven't given up.

@augustine_ Same and it all just sucks cause I’m in college and in final weeks and I just feel so lost like the hope I had is slowly diminishing and it’s scary cause I want to so badly go back or be the person who I used to be before. I just want to be okay and not feel confused and feel like I’m going crazy all the time. I also want to stop doubting if my harm ocd is actually ocd or if I’m just a monster. In most days I feel like I’m actually this horrible person and I just want to escape myself and be someone else. It can just be too much sometimes even though I’m in therapy.

@CHZ Thank you for sharing, and I am not just saying this i am for real, reading some of what you just said felt like reading my own thoughts and that makes me feel a bit more like I'm not alone and so you aren't alone either. I'm also in college and that can make this really stressful because its not the most peaceful environment like you said with finals. "I want so badly to go back or be the person who I used to be before." Yes. So much. I used to be so much more full of life, and more confident, i just want that part of me back. I understand wanting to escape, I wish at times I could just hide away some where and not be found, or be able to be someone who doesn't have to deal with this, you know?

@augustine_ Yes, it’s hard not gonna lie. I’ve wanted to give up so many times but I don’t because I made a promise to myself to get better for my parents and brothers no matter how hard it gets.

@CHZ We can always chat if you want!