This post is just serving as a journal entry for, so don’t feel the need to reply, but if you do, thank you! So today was actually a bit better. It started off with me remembering a dream I had. It was my family in a house, not my house but some house I don’t know of. It was Thanksgiving, we were just talking, it was my mom, aunt, and cousins. My older brother was there too, he died last year in June of 2020, but he was there, in my dream, I was surprised to see him but not because I knew he was dead, but because I felt like he was on a vacation. He didn’t speak much, he was in his pajamas, he looked a bit younger then when he died. I remember telling him a lot of stuff but he didn’t really react too much, he was outside of our house in the drive way inside my step dads truck, he was holding our cat and petting him. He didn’t seem upset, but just emotionless. He only smiled and talked a bit when I asked him if he wanted to try the leftover Mac and cheese that I had made. He smiled and said yeah. He loved cheese, it was his favorite food. I never got to make him real Mac and cheese though. But then I woke up, it was a really strange dream. But then after that, I woke up and got on with my day. I made my bed (I sleep on the floor of my living room, it’s hard to sleep in my room). I passed vacuum and just sat down and used my phone. Today was by all means an okay day. I didn’t feel super anxious or dreadful like most days, I felt calmer. I had nothing to eat so I decided to make some food, and kept busy. I had to go to my nearest store to buy tomatoes since the ones we had went bad, the grocery store is walking distance so I just put on my shoes and jacket and walked. But on my way out of my neighborhood, I saw a dead dog, he was just lying there, I was hoping he was just passed out, but he was sadly dead. A car entering asked me if he was mine, I said no, but then he told me it looked like his neighbors dog, and he drove away, I assumed to tell him, but idk if he did. I stayed for a bit wondering what I should do, I even called my mom, she just told me to just leave since there was nothing I could do, I felt really bad, but I just kept going to the store. And further on as I was walking, I saw a dead cat. It was on the sidewalk, that made two dead animals I saw. But I just kept waking only slowing down to see if it was okay, but it wasn’t sadly. I made it to the store, bought what I needed and a bag of chips and left. I was listening to music while walking, I usually listen to sad music regularly, it helps a lot. I walked past the car again and by the time I entered my neighborhood, the dog was covered by a blanket, I don’t know who did that, but I just walked past and went into my house. I called my mom telling her I ran into another dead animal, and she asked me “What do you think that means?”. She’s a very spiritual person, I’m not so much, but I’m not a full non believer either. This all had me thinking it was an omen of some kind and my magical thinking flared up a bit. So as a compulsion I looked up “Spiritual meaning of finding dead animals”. I know I should have but I did. I was surprised when I read that it’s usually interpreted as a transition into something more, something better. That something you have been struggling with for a while is over and you’re moving into better things. I don’t know if I fully believe that, but it was definitely better than what I expected to hear. Last night I was in the middle of acting on my worst compulsion, but then I stopped after realizing how much damage and how much worse it made my life, so I stopped and didn’t feel bad afterwards. And as I was walking today, I walked past people, and I usually get really, really bad sexual intrusive thoughts about anybody I walk past, but this time it didn’t feel as strong. I felt calmer. I don’t know if that “omen” was right and maybe not acting on that compulsion and seeing how truly awful it made my life and choosing to stop was maybe a sign that I’m changing or growing. I didn’t act on it today, didn’t even feel the need to. I felt so much better. I made dinner and just used my phone. I still had moments where my anxiety went up a bit, but not as bad. So I’m happy to say that at least. I’m not a big spiritual person, but I feel better today, hopefully I continue to feel this way and don’t go back on my compulsion, but I’m just happy I didn’t today. So that was my day, nothing else really happened. I genuinely hope that this a new start and that it means that better things are coming.

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!

so I put this into Gemini a couple mins ago but it just gave me the 988 to text but I feel like I don’t know if these thoughts are genuine or intrusive and just amplified because of how I was feeling. This is what I put in there I’ll just copy and paste. I got talking with my grandma and I felt like I needed to get it out but I just kept thinking deeper and deeper like thoughts like “I can’t do this anymore” or “when will this stop” and I have a lot of suicidal intrusive thoughts and sometimes when I feel in such fear and deep sorrow and dispare these thoughts feel so real that I can’t tell if they’re intrusive. But I immediately push them away of course even though I keep wanting to figure it out or figure out how I can break free from this doubt and second guessing. But it freaked me out that maybe I was actually contemplating or genuinely thinking about it or was close to snapping and giving up. Now I feel like I have to figure out of it was intrusive or not because that’s really serious if it is a real thought. I know it’s apart of ocd to figure it out but I can’t tell if it was my imagination made it seem way more real or when I imagined myself doing something to myself it felt like the probability became higher because I was in a state of severe distress. It’s like a thought when your heart is beating so fast you don’t wish it would stop beating you just want a break from it beating so loud or fast or you want it to get better. Idk I pictured myself just being stuck in my body and it freaked me out too like the fact I cant control what my body is doing. I’ve lost some weight the last couple months bc of stress and it just grosses me out thinking how bad I might be getting. I even started thinking maybe I need to be in a mental hospital. And just admit it and just get more help. The thing is I also felt like I had a decent day today but it took so much out of me trying to resist compulsions and “keeping” the good moment going without extreme fear especially of dying. I get so freaked out by random things even things touching me, certain sounds and wish it could all stop sometimes and I keep running away from things I think are triggers for my anxiety but it feels like it’s getting narrower.