This post is just serving as a journal entry for, so don’t feel the need to reply, but if you do, thank you! So today was actually a bit better. It started off with me remembering a dream I had. It was my family in a house, not my house but some house I don’t know of. It was Thanksgiving, we were just talking, it was my mom, aunt, and cousins. My older brother was there too, he died last year in June of 2020, but he was there, in my dream, I was surprised to see him but not because I knew he was dead, but because I felt like he was on a vacation. He didn’t speak much, he was in his pajamas, he looked a bit younger then when he died. I remember telling him a lot of stuff but he didn’t really react too much, he was outside of our house in the drive way inside my step dads truck, he was holding our cat and petting him. He didn’t seem upset, but just emotionless. He only smiled and talked a bit when I asked him if he wanted to try the leftover Mac and cheese that I had made. He smiled and said yeah. He loved cheese, it was his favorite food. I never got to make him real Mac and cheese though. But then I woke up, it was a really strange dream. But then after that, I woke up and got on with my day. I made my bed (I sleep on the floor of my living room, it’s hard to sleep in my room). I passed vacuum and just sat down and used my phone. Today was by all means an okay day. I didn’t feel super anxious or dreadful like most days, I felt calmer. I had nothing to eat so I decided to make some food, and kept busy. I had to go to my nearest store to buy tomatoes since the ones we had went bad, the grocery store is walking distance so I just put on my shoes and jacket and walked. But on my way out of my neighborhood, I saw a dead dog, he was just lying there, I was hoping he was just passed out, but he was sadly dead. A car entering asked me if he was mine, I said no, but then he told me it looked like his neighbors dog, and he drove away, I assumed to tell him, but idk if he did. I stayed for a bit wondering what I should do, I even called my mom, she just told me to just leave since there was nothing I could do, I felt really bad, but I just kept going to the store. And further on as I was walking, I saw a dead cat. It was on the sidewalk, that made two dead animals I saw. But I just kept waking only slowing down to see if it was okay, but it wasn’t sadly. I made it to the store, bought what I needed and a bag of chips and left. I was listening to music while walking, I usually listen to sad music regularly, it helps a lot. I walked past the car again and by the time I entered my neighborhood, the dog was covered by a blanket, I don’t know who did that, but I just walked past and went into my house. I called my mom telling her I ran into another dead animal, and she asked me “What do you think that means?”. She’s a very spiritual person, I’m not so much, but I’m not a full non believer either. This all had me thinking it was an omen of some kind and my magical thinking flared up a bit. So as a compulsion I looked up “Spiritual meaning of finding dead animals”. I know I should have but I did. I was surprised when I read that it’s usually interpreted as a transition into something more, something better. That something you have been struggling with for a while is over and you’re moving into better things. I don’t know if I fully believe that, but it was definitely better than what I expected to hear. Last night I was in the middle of acting on my worst compulsion, but then I stopped after realizing how much damage and how much worse it made my life, so I stopped and didn’t feel bad afterwards. And as I was walking today, I walked past people, and I usually get really, really bad sexual intrusive thoughts about anybody I walk past, but this time it didn’t feel as strong. I felt calmer. I don’t know if that “omen” was right and maybe not acting on that compulsion and seeing how truly awful it made my life and choosing to stop was maybe a sign that I’m changing or growing. I didn’t act on it today, didn’t even feel the need to. I felt so much better. I made dinner and just used my phone. I still had moments where my anxiety went up a bit, but not as bad. So I’m happy to say that at least. I’m not a big spiritual person, but I feel better today, hopefully I continue to feel this way and don’t go back on my compulsion, but I’m just happy I didn’t today. So that was my day, nothing else really happened. I genuinely hope that this a new start and that it means that better things are coming.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

I made a post earlier today about my past and things that happened and maybe I didn’t phrase it really in the best way haha :’)) so I’ll try and make it shorter. February has been complicated for me and recently. First my mental health was bad because of studies but I had this thought regarding my past that was a little tempting and led me to spiral on about my past, I gave into it and that really took me for a whole spin. I’ve started to open up about things that I never thought I would talk about and even slowly opening up to my therapist. These things happened in childhood and I mimicked actions I saw at a young age ( despite these things happening, it was only just one side of my childhood ) and even though it’s still not easy for me to deal with it, I often have the urge to confess and fear that it’s my intuition telling me to confess and if I don’t, something bad is going to happen or I’m a bad person. I’ve talked about my story to someone in a detailed way and to my therapist briefly and she understood and treated me with kindness but these thoughts still linger. Sometimes it gets to a point where I have the thought briefly telling me negative things but it doesn’t focus on the good things that happened and how I’ve learned and not repeated the action. It just focuses on the bad and when I just pause , it goes silent and keeps quiet, I realise that it’s all just thoughts.

Sorry, I know I keep posting on here but it’s like a diary for me. The people on here seem to be the only people that understand what I’m going through. With my obsession about death, the afterlife, and whether or not there is a God, I’ve been going crazy with the compulsions lately. My brain keeps saying things like “If [insert random insignificant event, ex: a red car drives by] within the next 30 seconds, it‘s a sign from God that he is real.” Or there’s the ruminating, where I try to comfort myself by saying that there has to be a God, and that we have to have a greater purpose, and I’ll think about it for hours. I know it’s illogical and ridiculous but regardless it’s absolutely dreadful to feel this way. I have hope after seeing some people say they’ve learned to cope with and have recovered from that feeling of existential dread and the compulsions that can come with it and still be able to find joy in their lives. I hope that soon I can find that joy again. The past three days I’ve lived in a constant state of anxiety and misery. I’ve completely lost my appetite and I physically have to force myself to eat (and I’m a big binge eater that only recently went into recovery for BED so that’s saying a LOT.) The only time I feel at peace is literally when I’m sleeping, or those rare fleeting moments where I somehow am not thinking about it. I haven’t really felt any emotions in depth except for this feeling of utter hopelessness. I hope I can move past this, find comfort in restoring my relationship with religion again without using it as a compulsion, and just live my life accepting that there are some things we’ll simply never know without letting it ruin my life.