This post is just serving as a journal entry for, so don’t feel the need to reply, but if you do, thank you! So today was actually a bit better. It started off with me remembering a dream I had. It was my family in a house, not my house but some house I don’t know of. It was Thanksgiving, we were just talking, it was my mom, aunt, and cousins. My older brother was there too, he died last year in June of 2020, but he was there, in my dream, I was surprised to see him but not because I knew he was dead, but because I felt like he was on a vacation. He didn’t speak much, he was in his pajamas, he looked a bit younger then when he died. I remember telling him a lot of stuff but he didn’t really react too much, he was outside of our house in the drive way inside my step dads truck, he was holding our cat and petting him. He didn’t seem upset, but just emotionless. He only smiled and talked a bit when I asked him if he wanted to try the leftover Mac and cheese that I had made. He smiled and said yeah. He loved cheese, it was his favorite food. I never got to make him real Mac and cheese though. But then I woke up, it was a really strange dream. But then after that, I woke up and got on with my day. I made my bed (I sleep on the floor of my living room, it’s hard to sleep in my room). I passed vacuum and just sat down and used my phone. Today was by all means an okay day. I didn’t feel super anxious or dreadful like most days, I felt calmer. I had nothing to eat so I decided to make some food, and kept busy. I had to go to my nearest store to buy tomatoes since the ones we had went bad, the grocery store is walking distance so I just put on my shoes and jacket and walked. But on my way out of my neighborhood, I saw a dead dog, he was just lying there, I was hoping he was just passed out, but he was sadly dead. A car entering asked me if he was mine, I said no, but then he told me it looked like his neighbors dog, and he drove away, I assumed to tell him, but idk if he did. I stayed for a bit wondering what I should do, I even called my mom, she just told me to just leave since there was nothing I could do, I felt really bad, but I just kept going to the store. And further on as I was walking, I saw a dead cat. It was on the sidewalk, that made two dead animals I saw. But I just kept waking only slowing down to see if it was okay, but it wasn’t sadly. I made it to the store, bought what I needed and a bag of chips and left. I was listening to music while walking, I usually listen to sad music regularly, it helps a lot. I walked past the car again and by the time I entered my neighborhood, the dog was covered by a blanket, I don’t know who did that, but I just walked past and went into my house. I called my mom telling her I ran into another dead animal, and she asked me “What do you think that means?”. She’s a very spiritual person, I’m not so much, but I’m not a full non believer either. This all had me thinking it was an omen of some kind and my magical thinking flared up a bit. So as a compulsion I looked up “Spiritual meaning of finding dead animals”. I know I should have but I did. I was surprised when I read that it’s usually interpreted as a transition into something more, something better. That something you have been struggling with for a while is over and you’re moving into better things. I don’t know if I fully believe that, but it was definitely better than what I expected to hear. Last night I was in the middle of acting on my worst compulsion, but then I stopped after realizing how much damage and how much worse it made my life, so I stopped and didn’t feel bad afterwards. And as I was walking today, I walked past people, and I usually get really, really bad sexual intrusive thoughts about anybody I walk past, but this time it didn’t feel as strong. I felt calmer. I don’t know if that “omen” was right and maybe not acting on that compulsion and seeing how truly awful it made my life and choosing to stop was maybe a sign that I’m changing or growing. I didn’t act on it today, didn’t even feel the need to. I felt so much better. I made dinner and just used my phone. I still had moments where my anxiety went up a bit, but not as bad. So I’m happy to say that at least. I’m not a big spiritual person, but I feel better today, hopefully I continue to feel this way and don’t go back on my compulsion, but I’m just happy I didn’t today. So that was my day, nothing else really happened. I genuinely hope that this a new start and that it means that better things are coming.