I hate always questioning who I am. I always get so close and then something conflicts what I thought and then I spiral again. I wish I could understand my own mind.

Getting myself into a spiral trying to figure out if I actually am in love with my boyfriend. Have I just been pretending? How do I know I ACTUALLY love him and not just the idea of him or his love and affection? It just feels like this pressing and intense question lately. I know I can’t solve it by ruminating bc I have been in the same themes for almost 2 years and have never gotten closer to “figuring them out”. Just so hard to stop trying to figure out if I actually love him or not today.

I have really bed harming intrusive thoughts and sometimes feels like it’s feeling! The thoughts happening every day and the hardest part is that I’m testing my self in head all the time if that’s what I am or want!!! Also, so many times feels like I’m been tricking myself and doctor or people and maybe I don’t have OCD, just that maybe it’s me really!!!! How can I know who I am really 🥹???!!??

Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.