So sick of feeling like I'm on the verge of losing my mind.. I wish I could just go ahead and turn psycho and get locked up so that at least one effing thought could be true...

i’m so scared im going to lose control and end up locked up or something. this is so exhausting!! i worry that what i have isn’t OCD and that im genuinely insane and im gonna end up in big trouble or that the urges i have are going to actually happen. i dont want to think these things ! i feel like a horrible human being!!

from the moment i wake up to the time i fall back asleep, my thoughts will not go a second without thinking about the same few topics. every second of every day for the past year i cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend. and no, not like "la dee da he's so cute!" no. it's the same thoughts of debating my feelings for him, convincing myself that im a lesbian but won't admit it to myself, convincing myself that i don't actually love him i just love the idea of a relationship with him. im disgusted with him but im passing it off as just i dont like that single flaw and thats fine. i can't stop. it's a broken record. my head is just a broken record. and for MULTIPLE YEARS pretty much since my ADHD diagnosis in middle school (i'm graduating this year) i haven't stopped thinking about mental health. relating every single thing in my life to the fact im neurodivergent. asking myself over and over if a thought i had or an action i made means im this personality, i have this mental disorder, because i have this traumatic memory that's influencing my choice. all day, every day, every second, multiple years. these thoughts are just constantly in my head. i want it to stop. i'm so tired of it. so absolutely exhausted. it's not even the compulsions or the anxiety, i just want the thoughts to end. all i could ask for, the thing i would give the world for, is to go a day without obsessively thinking these thoughts. to be able to experience a trigger but not be triggered. to be able to kiss my boyfriend goodbye and have my head move on to another topic for thought completely. to be able to hear a mental health topic be mentioned and not have the urge to explain every aspect of that topic, nor think about it for hours on end. be able to see random people on the street and accidentally make eye contact with them but not have to obsessively think of what their life is like, what they think of me, that they know i'm obsessively thinking about them and they hate me for that. i want to be able to see my ex friend around school whom im upset at the way things ended but not obsessively think about her and be disgusted and scared about those thoughts and her every move. i sound like a freak, i sound like i belong in a straitjacket, i know. i hate it too. so fucking much. i'm freaked out by myself, i know that if i were to share these thoughts at a podium i would be reported on the news and likely arrested because everyone around is terrified and will assume i will ever act. but i just want this to stop. i'm so desperately waiting for my next doctors appointment to ask for an up dose on my lexapro.

Lately I’ve been feeling obsessive compulsive sick. (It’s my way of saying that my mental illness is making me feel unwell) I hear whispers to be honest, telling me to do awful things to others and myself. They tell me how horrible everything is, they yell and scream at me, and tell me violent harmful things. Sometimes they plead for help, other times they try to lure me in to believing them, and worse of them, they threaten me. They have a gun pointed to my head and laugh at me, saying “I should’ve known you always been such a worthless piece of shit, hahaha, kill yourself you scum of the earth.” The voices are scary, but they are just voices, but they are still scary. Sometimes I want to see if they are true, but then it backfires. I am so gullible to the thoughts and believe them without warning, but when it comes to me, I am stubborn and headfast. I follow my rules, eventually breaking them out of fear. Sometimes, people can’t take it anymore, and fall. They fall off of buildings, bridges and their chairs. The voices over power them and then, they are gone. We are survivors of our own mind. We are programmed to live, but are forced by our own mind to fear itself. What a horrible fate that we are responsible for dealing with. A illness that has the same caliber has a physical one because both end with one thing: death. Death of our values, our health, and our actual life. Treat it seriously, it’s a mental illness for a reason.