Sometimes I ask myself "Did I always have horrible thoughts like this? We're they always in my life? If so, how come I weren't so focused on it like I am now?" There are so many things I regret when I were younger but at the same time I've done good things. I always strive to be a good person. Not perfect, but good. I always worry that I'm not though. Why does this happen? Why do these thoughts always go to the worst things imaginable? It's never anything polite or positive. Most of the time it's just occupied with negative thoughts based on pretty much anything that would make me sick.

I've definitely had thoughts I didn't like when I were younger and for years I've had a compulsion done whenever a thought gets way too bothersome than usual. I physically react to it, whether it'd be cringing, humming a tune, or actually getting tense with it. But now, thoughts like these are super prominent and I don't know why or how it got like this. I only know when. These are the thoughts I notice all the time and if I do get good thoughts, they get twisted to the negative side if my mind has free time on it. I also find myself shoving away good things that genuinely do happen and still happen in my life within bad things that happened years deep in the past. But why though? I know it isn't productive whatsoever yet it still happens. I hope one day I can get out of this cycle of thinking.

@BigGip09 Me too, I think mine has gotten this bad after the death of my older brother, I guess having him in my life allowed me to just let go of the thoughts especially since he was my go to for anxiety. These thoughts are terrible, I just want to be happy and do right by others and live a life where I’m not worried I’ve either hurt or will hurt someone drastically.

@OCDHaver Damn man, I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I would have never guessed. It sounds like you're struggling with more than just OCD. Sounds like you haven't gotten over the grieving. Again, I'm real sorry about that and I hope you can somehow overcome that. We want the same thing, most people here do.

It seems like seeing that disgusting material even once, even as an accident, is a death sentence in the eyes of people.

Yeah.. I also often think that my life were a lot better when I didn't have social media and DEFINITELY when I didn't have pornography. I would definitely choose to have real connections over that mind numbing filth like I still prefer real connections now. I just hate that when I were going through tough times then, I boiled up a lot of feelings and used that as an escape mechanism. But something I always forget is that I was only a kid when all this happened. It's hard to cut myself a break even still. I'm just glad I've stopped watching that stuff for 8 months now. I want to feel good about that and sometimes I do. Most times I don't though.

@BigGip09 Seriously good for you! I also forget that this all took place years ago and that I wasn’t even an adult at the time. It would only be a problem if this was a thing now. My hormones were crazy and I probably didn’t even realize what I was doing was wrong and now as an adult I realize that. Hope things go well for you in the future! I deal with other ocd types too so my mind pinballs a lot, this is just the worst for me right now, especially because it feels like everyone hates me despite not even knowing anything.

@Anonymous I was only 13 when it all started. I didn't even know what sex was but I wanted to know. I know I was curious and I wanted to explore things with the opposite sex but not like that. Not like that at all. That stuff messes with you. I really just can't get over the things I've seen at that time. Just thinking about them makes me lose a lot of hope and a lot of my positive emotions. Even my focus. I hate that I can't forget it. I tell myself that I wish I never seen pornography before but that's unfortunately inevitable. But I'm glad I did stop watching it. I'm really glad that I'm trying to stop all my compulsions except for Rumination, which is the worst for me. I feel you with the last part. Thinking everyone will hate you when they don't even know.

I try to remember that, but it’s really difficult. I’ve become really scared of leaving my house due to these thoughts out of fear of making them worse

@OCDHaver That sounds like an exposure you can do for yourself. Leaving the house even with the thoughts, no matter what they tell you.