I’ve gotten better over the years, but I still dissociate if I realize I’m in a good mood, and instead shift to being miserable, like “oh hey, I feel good, that’s wrong, I’m not supposed to feel good, here are a hundred reasons why it’s not only unreasonable, but actually immoral to feel good.” Happiness feels like clothes that never quite fit

Man… it’s like, if I get over one obsession, another comes, and when I run out of new obsessions, old ones come back. Do I… not know how to be content? It reminds me of when Ru Paul told Katya, “You’re addicted to the anxiety.” I don’t know how to change this, but I’m glad I’m recognizing it. It’s awful — I can’t let myself be happy without punishing myself for my past mistakes, and honestly, I just have to just let myself be human. Gonna try meditating and reading more. Any other tips greatly appreciated.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!