everytime i wake up and the intrusive thought is still there or i wake up just... panicked i feel so defeated. i know it can’t go away in a day but i really wish i would. and even when i know my thoughts aren’t me and what i want, i can’t help but wonder if i can ever really go back to who i once was. i’ve spent so long panicking and thinking that no matter what, it’ll always be there. i’m sorry for being so negative, but the mornings are always the worst for me.

So my ocd has been doing better, in the sense that I am able to resist compulsions, but the thoughts are still there. And I get so upset because some days I’m just constantly stuck in my own head. Like I went out to today with my mom, and for a solid hour I was spiraling. And my OCD has been trying to make it seem like this flare up is different, and that because things aren’t working out the way I want them to be regarding my recovery, that it’s not OCD and I’m just a crazy person. It causes me to just shut down and want to just go home. I get so upset that I want to cry. I get intrusive thoughts that something bad is gonna happen, or that something doesn’t feel right, and so it feels like I do something, anything, to make me feel better about it. I also can’t sleep in my own bed. I’m so afraid that I won’t fall asleep in it, and if I don’t sleep, I will go crazy. My thoughts are just so scary rn, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want anything bad to happen to me :(

So my therapist told me to start telling myself every time I have an intrusive thought just say oh there’s that thought again, and don’t try to figure it out or do mental compulsions. Well our usual tactic of “there’s that thought/feeling again” is not working at all this morning. This morning I was having really bad anxiety, it hits hardest in the morning when I am lying in bed with my son and I know the thoughts could come at any minute. Well they did, and I immediately was like no please just think of anything else. Well in pushing away the thoughts, I had this really weird feeling like I couldn’t decipher between reality and images. I was just getting flashes of images that felt so real. Even though I could physically feel my body and know I wasnt engaging in the thought or acting on it. It was like a flash of anxiety that hit and I couldn’t tell what was real and wasn’t. So of course my mind starts trying to figure that feeling out and if what I was thinking about just happened. And no matter how many times I’ve tried to say there’s that thought/feeling again, I can’t let it go. I was physically conscious and could feel my body but mentally I couldn’t. It’s so weird and hard to explain. But I’ve been doubting and second guessing that moment all morning and I’m in a bad spiral, again. 😭 it’s like every time I think I’m moving forward I get sucked back in and feel like I can’t practice my tools anymore. I don’t know what I should do 😩

As at the end of the day yes we are in control, but i mean with my brain. it continues to send those unwanted thoughts and every time they play through i feel nothing but complete dread as it upsets me so much i just bawl . for a week iv felt nothing but vulnerable, and i try to be reasonable and say to myself this is only a loop and you will figure it out at the end and you’ll find the light. but there’s always the other half thats like . “but what if not” “no you’re gonna get worse” . dude like what i genuinely cannot find comfort in anything and with even distractions it’s still there . i cannot feel comfortable with myself and i hate that it’s putting me in this little depressive episode. “ just accept it, and don’t fight it” “tell it i don’t know” . that never works either it’s just there it’s like a brick wall and you’re trying to push it . and if you were trying to push a brick wall what do you think is gonna happen. nothing , it’s not even gonna budge. it makes me feel hopeless, i miss who i was the week before this one.