Hello, everyone. If you would take the time to read my story and comment, I would appreciate it though it is long so I apologize. I was advised to come here if I think I have ROCD so I figured 'huh... why not?' I was initially on Betterhelp because I thought it was anxiety but with as obsessive as my thoughts got, I started to suspect something more was going on. It started like this: I would be in a relationship and have those happy feel good feelings you get at the start of it or aka the honeymoon phase and then boom! It was like I'd hit a wall and that's when the anxiety would kick in. And then, it centered around my relationship and I started overthinking EVERYTHING! I would have thoughts like 'did I lose feelings for him?' 'why did he just annoy me there? What does that mean? Oh god... am I losing feelings?' 'Holy crap! I have another person in my life! I need to- (insert list of things)' 'Will we work?' 'Is he the one?' 'Am I sure about this?' 'What if I'm forcing myself?' 'I love him... right?' 'HE JUST GOT ANGRY/ANNOYED WITH ME! ARE WE OVER?!' 'I feel overwhelmed. Was this too much for me to take on?' 'Are relationships for me?' 'Should we break up?' 'Oh god no I don't want to break up!' 'What if ending this relationship is the only way to fix this?' 'What if he gets tired of me like my last relationship?' 'What if he leaves before I can figure this out?' 'Love isn't fear though, is it? Why won't this stop?' 'What does this anxiety mean?' 'Shouldn't I feel more certain about this?' and this isn't even all of them, just some. My boyfriend and I have talked about it and he's been such a good and supportive partner! He promised to be with me every step of the way, he doesn't judge me for being like this, and he's proud I am taking steps to get help. He doesn't blame me for being terrified of our relationship. I'm so thankful to have someone like him in my life. You bet your behind I am not just going to give up and decide to end it anytime soon. But I feel so guilty for my thoughts. It's gotten to where I can't take a compliment from him or say 'I love you' without feeling guilt and anxiety. I just want to enjoy my relationship with him without over analyzing everything. I may have to cancel my subscription on betterhelp if this place has a better options for me because I can't afford both. I don't think my therapist on there knows the full extent of my symptoms. She currently has me doing EMDR therapy which while if this was regular anxiety, might help but chances are, if it is OCD, I will probably have to switch to a therapist that knows more about OCD. I remember my last relationship at 19, my anxiety and intrusive thoughts got so bad that I had to be taken to the ER to have an ativan which I hated because it didn't stop the thoughts, it just stopped my physical reaction to feel anxious. I felt so miserable and depressed when I took that stuff. My ex decided to leave, figuring it would help us both. But that didn't help me at all and I did stuff I regret. It took me a few years to get back to normal after that relationship. Although I can admit that I learned valuable lessons from it. I have had obsessions in the past as a kid. I remember when I used to be afraid of everything that I deemed toxic and so wouldn't use certain markers or glues if I thought it was. I used to get so teased for that and funny enough, the thing that snapped me out of that was my mom getting frustrated and saying 'IT WON'T HURT YOU IF YOU DON'T EAT IT!' And then in my teen years, I was terrified of death after a classmate had died so I focused on anything and everything going on in my body and just getting scared for even having a faster heart rate! That leveled off on its own mostly but sometimes I will get back into a cycle of worry again if I spot something off but it usually levels off again. I can't begin to figure out how I managed that. Maybe I just inadvertently learned to live with the discomfort on my own. I guess if it turns out I have ocd, that would explain why it felt like some ADHD meds and anti-anxiety meds didn't feel like they affected me like they should. I have been diagnosed with ADD as a kid and was on meds for that but I didn't feel much different despite being told otherwise. But kids don't know what they're supposed to look for when on meds so it's hard to say for sure what those did to me. Other things I've been diagnosed with is anxiety and depression so I'm guessing the chemistry in my brain is probably a lot more complicated than anyone has realized. I want to learn how to navigate my life. I want to figure out how to remedy this. Because I know if I don't, I will never have a healthy relationship. I love my boyfriend and I want to make sure I get better for both of us. Some days are hard though and at the end of the day, I just wish it wasn't long distance because I really need to be held some nights. I haven't even been able to take some time for myself without ruminating on everything and I've just been so tired and overwhelmed. But if I can just get on the right path, I know I'll get through this and I know I can count on him to be there every step of the way.

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small