Hello, everyone. If you would take the time to read my story and comment, I would appreciate it though it is long so I apologize. I was advised to come here if I think I have ROCD so I figured 'huh... why not?' I was initially on Betterhelp because I thought it was anxiety but with as obsessive as my thoughts got, I started to suspect something more was going on. It started like this: I would be in a relationship and have those happy feel good feelings you get at the start of it or aka the honeymoon phase and then boom! It was like I'd hit a wall and that's when the anxiety would kick in. And then, it centered around my relationship and I started overthinking EVERYTHING! I would have thoughts like 'did I lose feelings for him?' 'why did he just annoy me there? What does that mean? Oh god... am I losing feelings?' 'Holy crap! I have another person in my life! I need to- (insert list of things)' 'Will we work?' 'Is he the one?' 'Am I sure about this?' 'What if I'm forcing myself?' 'I love him... right?' 'HE JUST GOT ANGRY/ANNOYED WITH ME! ARE WE OVER?!' 'I feel overwhelmed. Was this too much for me to take on?' 'Are relationships for me?' 'Should we break up?' 'Oh god no I don't want to break up!' 'What if ending this relationship is the only way to fix this?' 'What if he gets tired of me like my last relationship?' 'What if he leaves before I can figure this out?' 'Love isn't fear though, is it? Why won't this stop?' 'What does this anxiety mean?' 'Shouldn't I feel more certain about this?' and this isn't even all of them, just some. My boyfriend and I have talked about it and he's been such a good and supportive partner! He promised to be with me every step of the way, he doesn't judge me for being like this, and he's proud I am taking steps to get help. He doesn't blame me for being terrified of our relationship. I'm so thankful to have someone like him in my life. You bet your behind I am not just going to give up and decide to end it anytime soon. But I feel so guilty for my thoughts. It's gotten to where I can't take a compliment from him or say 'I love you' without feeling guilt and anxiety. I just want to enjoy my relationship with him without over analyzing everything. I may have to cancel my subscription on betterhelp if this place has a better options for me because I can't afford both. I don't think my therapist on there knows the full extent of my symptoms. She currently has me doing EMDR therapy which while if this was regular anxiety, might help but chances are, if it is OCD, I will probably have to switch to a therapist that knows more about OCD. I remember my last relationship at 19, my anxiety and intrusive thoughts got so bad that I had to be taken to the ER to have an ativan which I hated because it didn't stop the thoughts, it just stopped my physical reaction to feel anxious. I felt so miserable and depressed when I took that stuff. My ex decided to leave, figuring it would help us both. But that didn't help me at all and I did stuff I regret. It took me a few years to get back to normal after that relationship. Although I can admit that I learned valuable lessons from it. I have had obsessions in the past as a kid. I remember when I used to be afraid of everything that I deemed toxic and so wouldn't use certain markers or glues if I thought it was. I used to get so teased for that and funny enough, the thing that snapped me out of that was my mom getting frustrated and saying 'IT WON'T HURT YOU IF YOU DON'T EAT IT!' And then in my teen years, I was terrified of death after a classmate had died so I focused on anything and everything going on in my body and just getting scared for even having a faster heart rate! That leveled off on its own mostly but sometimes I will get back into a cycle of worry again if I spot something off but it usually levels off again. I can't begin to figure out how I managed that. Maybe I just inadvertently learned to live with the discomfort on my own. I guess if it turns out I have ocd, that would explain why it felt like some ADHD meds and anti-anxiety meds didn't feel like they affected me like they should. I have been diagnosed with ADD as a kid and was on meds for that but I didn't feel much different despite being told otherwise. But kids don't know what they're supposed to look for when on meds so it's hard to say for sure what those did to me. Other things I've been diagnosed with is anxiety and depression so I'm guessing the chemistry in my brain is probably a lot more complicated than anyone has realized. I want to learn how to navigate my life. I want to figure out how to remedy this. Because I know if I don't, I will never have a healthy relationship. I love my boyfriend and I want to make sure I get better for both of us. Some days are hard though and at the end of the day, I just wish it wasn't long distance because I really need to be held some nights. I haven't even been able to take some time for myself without ruminating on everything and I've just been so tired and overwhelmed. But if I can just get on the right path, I know I'll get through this and I know I can count on him to be there every step of the way.