Tw: HOCD (sorta) I'm watching The Miseducation of Cameron Post (a film about gay conversion therapy) and it's reminding me of a lot of struggles I had with my sexuality growing up. I have only dated women but I would worry I was actually straight deep down. I see a lot of people here HOCD so it's interesting to think about the reverse to some degree! Wish I'd known about OCD back then.

Hiii. Sorry so are you a man or woman? Or genderless? I'm curious to hear what you mean

I'm female - more or less. I came out when I was eleven as a lesbian growing up, but I was really confused about whether that was the right label. Because I was so young, I worried it wasn't real or I should try to fix it somehow. I'd test my attraction to men a lot and get freaked out if I felt aroused by a guy in porn. Sometimes I did. But I'd never had *feelings* for a man, and never been sexually attracted to any men I know, so saying I was bisexual didn't feel right. And then I worried I was being biphobic by not just taking that label, even though it felt wrong... Until I was about 21 I identified as a lesbian and confided in my girlfriend about my confusion about it. She brought it up in a fight, and it led to some really hurtful fights with my girlfriend who threw that back in my face and said I wasn't a real lesbian, lol. That fucked me up since she said what I was scared of. I started to hate the word lesbian altogether because of her, and I ask people not to call me that. These days I mostly identify as queer. It nicely encompasses the weird mishmash of feelings inside me. I say that I'd be open to dating a guy... But it's literally never happened yet, and I don't make any effort to find one. In any case it's funny how caught up in labels we can get and that I can see myself in some of the posts about HOCD, but about whether I'm secretly attracted to men too.

Wow. That very interesting to hear your side. I know exactly what you mean though. I am a woman and I have always been attracted and in relationships with men till about my early 20's when my long term boyfriend and I broke up and I couldn't find a reason why I stopped loving him. It scared me so bad that I started questioning my sexuality which all of a sudden spiraled. I tried being open minded and maybe thinking I was bi. But like you, it just didn't feel right. I've never actively gone for women because I don't feel the need to. But I guess the hocd makes me feel like I'm not being open enough and the only way I'll find happiness again is if I change my preference. It's silly but I can have some dark days like I'm sure you've had. Anyways, you're right the labels are lame. My friend who is a lesbian/queer or whatever you may say - worded it really well - "we don't fall in love with genders, we fall in love with people" so on days where I have doubts, I try and shrug my shoulders and say - well if it's meant to happen it will and I accept the uncertainty. I actually didn't know my experiences were OCD until the same friend had made a documentary on it and I had told her about my symptoms. I went to a doc and I guess officially got diagnosed. I would've never known because my OCD only comes up during certain times of my life - usually when I'm stressed