I was excited bout getting help when I went to Vanderbilt behavioral health I called them twice to make sure I could come down me get admitted i had a hard time packing cause my apartment feels contaminated to me cause bug spray was sprayed on majority of my carpet and cause I can’t let me stuff touch and it has to be packed individually so I decided not to pack I always have a hard time going threw admissions cause they gotta touch my clothes and they gotta go threw my stuff and it tramatizes me cause there touching everything and all my stuffs touching and then I can’t tell them wat I’m going threw cause they don’t understand ocd they suggest putting gloves on to touch my stuff if it was that fucking simple I wouldn’t need help ocd is irrational there is no logical way of doing stuff if gloves helped I’d be fucking wearing them and I would’ve suggested it anyone wit ocd understands that if they’ve tried to find ways of doing stuff easier they always try to find a way to make there ocd habits easier they think of everything but I came to the psychiatric hospital at 10 30 they closed at 11 and noone was there so they told us to go to the emergency room there and I’d be admitted threw there so I go in and get everything done I’m waiting we get into a room and round 3 I do my over the computer meeting wit the psychiatrist ppl and get told they don’t have any beds that they’d move me upstairs into my own room so I could rest instead of being in the loud emergency room so I staid up while my bf laid down then round 4 o’clock noone came so I laid down and woke up at 8 still nothing I asked when I’d be moved upstairs so I could rest they told me they don’t take ppl upstairs they don’t even no wat someone would tell me that for so I’m tired and hungry and decide to leave freaking out that all I wanted was help I even maid sure I called and asked every question so I new I could get this done but my bf decides to drive me back to the psychiatrist part and tlk to them to tell them I need help that we’ve been in the emergency room since 10 yesterday they told him to bring me in that I could lay down I just had to tlk to some ppl and that my bf could stay wit me then the nurse comes tells me they have no beds I won’t be able to go to bed there and my bf come back wit me to tlk to the doctor wit me they maid it almost impossible for me to leave but we finally were able to and our in a hotel I’m glad we’ve came to Nashville previously and new a nice cheap hotel and they allowed us to check in early im so greatfull for the ppl here that let us check in early I had to go in the negative for this room but I’m on a wierd schedule I’m up till 4 in the morning trying to stay up late to hang on to every less frustrating moment of the day that I deal wit ocd I wanna stay up and be on my phone and have parts of the day we’re I’m not cleaning and doing rituals and I don’t get up till round 3 so I’ve had 4 hours of rest if that I already have problems at nite and now that this guy sprayed bug spray in my apartment I have extreme nite terrors I literally thought I had a seizure the other nite cause I woke up and I swear my hole entire body was shakeing when I googled it it had that it could’ve been extreme nite terrors and I did all this to go to a hospital that doesn’t specialize in ocd that I new wouldn’t be able to actually help that but atleast could’ve got me on medicine and helped me relax in the hospital to feel better for a few days and maybe help call places for me that help wit ocd so I could go there cause I’ve been calling everywere the past 2 weeks to get someone who specializes in ocd and there’s none in Tennessee and nowere takes my insurance I’ve always tried getting help I’ve been to hospitals I’ve seen therapists I’ve seen doctors noones ever understood the severity of my ocd noone was ever treating my ocd I go threw admissions traumatized and the nurses don’t get it I’m left in a room dealing wit the repercussions of wat I went threw like cleaning off everything they touched and when they strip search me I have to take my clothes off and on like a normal person and take my hair down and put it back up like a normal person but I have rituals and certain ways of dressing and undressing and takeing down and putting my hair up so I sit in my room redoing those Actions the way I want to cause I’ve been doing this for 15 years it’s hard to just stop doing all these things all at once but do you think anyone checked up on me do you think anyone cared that I was panicking to wear they gave me kolonopins as soon as I wlk in the door they didn’t care cause I seem normal but I have ocd and the stuff ppl wit ocd go threw is real and when we can’t do a certain thing we feel we need to do it feels like we’re slowly dieing takeing everything from you and expecting you to just stop all these things all at once should be illegal but they don’t understand the pain it causes cause they don’t understand ocd but fuck you to any place that doesn’t accept medicaid fuck everyone who has looked at me and tlk shit to me cause of my ocd bothering them my ocd is fucking real I’ve been doing this for 15 years by myself not told a ducking sole till a couple weeks ago and I try confideing to them and tell them my ocd so they can understand if I tell them I can’t do something I really can’t do they can stop being so mean to me when I tell them I stay up late to hold onto every minute of not so much ocd cause as soon as I open my eyes it’s ocd and all the rituals I have to get done today i also have anxiety and depression and if I’m tired my ocd is way worse I need rest so I can be focused when I trying to focus washing my hands and not touching the sink my eyes need to be sharp I’m done though I’ve got 15 years begging for help trying to tlk to my bf and family trying to help them understand me trying to get the care I need trying to get better so I can love a better life but fuck it I’m gonna get some rest and spend some time alone I’m done wit this though.