Feeling the crushing effects of social burnout. I haven’t been on this app in about a year, especially after I got therapy and things seemed to be going in the right direction. Unfortunately, things happened a few months ago and I’m back at square one… below square one in fact. I know that progress is not linear. But that doesn’t mean going backwards again feels great at all. For someone as pessimistic and easily burnt out like me, it can feel like yourself and the whole world are failing you. Funnily enough, what caused the OCD spiral is not actually what’s bothering me right now. Rather than health, which is my main subtype, it’s this pulverising social hangover that feels like it’s added about 10 kilograms to my brain. I’ve spoken to people online (because of quarantine) every single day for around 5-6 hours, and this has gone on for about 2 years now. I am exhausted. My friends are quite sociable, whereas I am extremely introverted and really like time alone. Because my friends are so gregarious, I feel bad not talking to them — they’ve specifically told me how much they like talking to me, and so I told myself that I absolutely must go online otherwise I’ll receive backlash from them. Forcing myself to stay up late to talk with people, my eyelids feel like leather at this point. I say ‘brb’ then leave for 20 minutes, stare blankly at the wall, then go back to talking. I leave minutes in between messages just so it prolongs conversations and I don’t have to think as much. I make excuses that I’m having technical difficulties so I get the chance to take a breather. But the worst part is, of course, I have OCD. No matter how much I try to throw my OCD out of certain situations, it just comes back to me like a boomerang. As well as restricting myself; my emotions and how I portray myself online, I’ve made the specific times of talking to my friends a routine, which you can guess has now become obsessive. Go online and start talking at 7, at midnight switch to the laptop and start talking there, come back to my phone at 1am, then leave at 2am. I’m not a good sleeper too, so leaving at a time like that is messing up my sleep schedule and leaving me so deprived and light headed every single day. Just earlier I almost passed out when I stood up, and smashed my head straight into a door… had to lay on the floor for a bit to get all the blood back to my head. I can’t tell them about this though. I don’t like talking about how I feel. Whatever I feel is being kept to me and me alone. The unknown is scary, and I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing how people will react to what I say. And I understand that if other people have a problem with my daily routine then that’s their problem and not mine, but I’m so people-pleasing that I absolutely have to live by the wants of others. Passiveness and the act of being reserved are the two self-imposed rules that I live by. I have a goal in mind — something that might leave me a bit less burnt out in the future (hopefully), and that’s the courage to change when I go on/offline, plus being able to communicate my boundaries with people. It’s just finding the strength to say what I want, that which I don’t think I have right now. Because of things that have happened in the past, I paint myself as a ‘villain’ whose words all have consequences. I feel like if I express an opinion of my own, all it will be met with is backlash and me feeling absolutely awful about it. If I tell them that I’m scared of getting an adverse reaction; they’re going to think I ‘hate them’ or ‘don’t trust them’. Thus, unfortunately, sometimes I feel as if being as acquiescent as I am is easier than putting up a fight. I guess what advice I want is how in the world do you tell people how you truly feel. I’m so jealous of those who freely express their emotions knowing that I can’t do the same thing. Keep in mind some of friends also deal with mental health issues, so the responses from them may be dissimilar and mixed. I 100% know that some may take me wanting my own time alone to heart, which I have to admit upsets me because they are such good friends but I feel as if I have to be so careful and restricted with what I say. But that’s a whole other thing… for now, I’d like advice on how to finally tell people absolutely everything. They know I have OCD, they just don’t know to what extent. I want them to know that I have boundaries, especially social boundaries, but in a way that won’t hurt or offend.

This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?

I am very new to this app and to accepting that I likely have OCD. I am not diagnosed yet, but I have suspected that I have it for years now. I think ignoring it/feeding the reassurance loop led to my first really bad panic attack a few days ago that put me in the hospital and essentially forced me to stop hiding my struggle from my loved ones. I had another one last night, and out of habit I’m already hiding my feelings from my loved ones. I’m having thoughts that I know are OCD but they’re very hard to get past because they feel so logical? Some examples: -I shouldn’t tell anyone because it wasn’t as bad as the one that hospitalized me -my loved ones are already tired of hearing me talking about it and I feel bad burdening them -I just had the last one and if I tell people about this one I’ll look like I’m attention seeking -I don’t want people to ask what the trigger was so I shouldn’t bring it up if I don’t want to have to answer that question I’m naming them here not for reassurance, but to help myself hopefully label these things as OCD per usual trying to keep me from getting help. The hardest part of this journey so far has been accepting that there are so many things that feel like normal, rational thoughts and feelings that having been hurting me and feeding a vicious cycle for years on end. It feels unreal because these things have become such subtle integrated parts of my life and my routine, and telling myself those things are harmful just feels wrong. It’s like what I have considered my “gut feeling” for years isn’t actually my intuition looking out for me, but is an overactive fear response that has been isolating me from everything and I’ve never questioned it because the isolation, the reassurance, feels good and like the right thing to do. How do I push past these thoughts and be honest with my loved ones about my struggling? How do I rewire my brain to stop the reassurance seeking and compulsions when it’s the only thing that’s made me feel better all these years?

I feel like my life is shifting for the better possibly because I’m finally taking myself seriously. However, I simultaneously feel like im so far behind compared to my peers. It’s like i have to fail multiple times in order for me to understand the importance of my future. Everything I do needs to be perfect and if it’s not I am never satisfied - whether it’s school work, appearance, or even everyday tasks. Then I keep reflecting on old memories and it’s very difficult. An old ocd tic is coming back where whenever I get a “cringey” or “unwanted” thought about myself I have to say a phrase out loud to get rid of it. Lately lot of my compulsions are old and new ones. For example, I compulsed and confessed to everyone in my extended family about my ocd because I thought it’d make them understand me more but it doesn’t. I overshared and over explained far too much to them as I usually do to anyone I talk to. I’m constantly over apologizing. Ill be driving, hit a bump, and think I ran someone over or a family or a pregnant woman and I’ll be pulled over. I keep getting detailed imagery of me getting crushed in my car. If I kill a bug I’m convinced I will pay for it in some way or another and karma will get to me even if I feel bad. I delete and redownload the same 3 social media apps every day. I’m pretty sure I have an addiction to pornography and I want it to stop. No other girl deals with this. Someone on here said on one of my posts reguarding relationship ocd before that I might have bpd and now this is really weighing on me. I can’t stop googling abt it. I feel stupid because I could have it so much worse like other people on this planet do and yet here I am. I have the privilege to log onto this app and complain about my troubles while someone else is worried about if they’re going to eat tonight. I feel incredibly selfish and small when I express myself because people usually think I’m too much it seems. I don’t like people in my generation (gen z) because social media has triggered my lcd and it feeds this idea to people that other people are easily accessible or disposable at any given point - you give someone a follow/unfollow button and now they feel entitled to you. I want to be left alone and not perceived by anyone because no one will ever fully understand me. All I want is to be a peaceful person, an amazing psychiatrist, an educated and healthy woman, who people will take seriously. I just feel like my goals are impossible because I keep messing up and struggling with staying consistent. I sometimes wish I could be someone else so I could take this pressure off me. I’m sorry for how scattered this is, I’m probably just overtired and burnt out from life