I slammed my door earlier because I was upset. It was an immature thing to do and I regret it. My sister, who was in town for Christmas left after I slammed the door. I'm not upset with any of my family members, but rather how debilitating the OCD has been this holiday season. I reached out to my sister to apologize and I also apologized to my parents. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've ruined Christmas. It was a really shitty thing to do to slam my door and I feel bad that I've ruined our family get together.

I feel so horrible and guilty, I've been pretty depressed lately and I don't know if i'm doing something wrong or not but my mom keeps getting mad at me, and I keep getting snappy with her. The other day she tried to take a selfie with me and I kinda got mad at her because it was in front of everyone and I didn't want to get anyone uncomfortable if they were accidently in the background so I told her stop in a kind of mean way. She stopped talking to me for the rest of the night and she keeps bringing up how disrespectful I am. I tried to explain to her I didn't mean anything mean by it?? It's triggering my OCD so bad and tonight i'm going to see a band I really wanted to see, and i'm super afraid shes gonna start bringing up how mean i've been lately. I've been really depressed and upset because of school and how much work their giving me, and I've been in my room for mostly more than 10 hours a day doing nothing but watching TV because I can't bring myself out of it, I don't know what to do anymore and the guilt of me possibly being a mean and aggressive person is haunting me.

LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?

i feel very, very guilty. i'm resisting the urge to confess right now. i don't think it's a good idea, but it's hard. i'm starting college in a bit and going to meet new people, see a new side of life... and it's been 3 years with ocd... i'm feeling very guilty about potentially hijacking my success by doing something that was fun in the moment but kind of dumb in restropect. :( sending hugs to everyone else struggling