- Username
- aprilmava
- Date posted
- 2y ago
Also like my brain keeps telling me that I want a penis but I don’t want one . It’s uncomfortable and can’t imagine myself with one and I cross my legs because it feels gross . And every time I look at a man my brain keeps telling me that I want to be the man but I don’t want to :( I don’t want to at all . But idk if I want to be the girl either (?) idk who tf I am anymore . I can’t look at myself in the mirror or comfortably shower and I can’t look at photos from before since idk who I am :( but I don’t want to be a man but it’s in my head and I feel like I’m in denial bc of the feeling. Please anyone with TOCD lmk your experiences cause it’s uncomfortable. Like I said my brain is making me feel like I’m already a man but it’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to . I feel like it’s got to be body dysmorphic . I can’t tell anyone these feelings cause I don’t want them to think wrong.
when i went through tocd - which i still sometimes do - i felt exactly like this. you’re not alone! 💛 and take tarot with a pinch of salt
Thank you! I’m not looking for reassurance but I feel like I’m going insane :(
@aprilmava i wish i had advice to give but honestly, i just move on to new themes, forget tocd, and then it comes back. i think we could both benefit from maybe exposing ourselves to the possibility more. like unconditional acceptance.
@garden I do that too! It switched from theme to theme but it still there . Thanks anyways ❤️
A lot of this is very similar to my experience. I keep getting intrusive thoughts that a lot of my social / mental problems over the years have been because I am "really" a latent, closeted trans woman. Like if I imagine myself with a vulva instead of a penis, I don't want that, but then I get a thought like "that's just you in denial" or "you can be a trans woman and keep your penis." Sometimes it'll be a little thing -- I'll just see my first name and think that maybe I should change it to a feminine name; someone calls me Sir/Mister and I think "I am fooling them," etc. It's rough stuff! I just try to do ERP regularly and not engage with the thoughts.
When I was younger I always felt different but it was because I’ve never been a “tough guy.” This transgender OCD is killing me. There were only a couple girly things I liked back then. But, I’ve never been upset with my body or anything like that. I’ve always liked the way I looked, and my physical qualities too. I’m scared with the thought saying “maybe I’m just realizing this and I’m meant to be a female.”
i keep thinking that I’m using tocd as an excuse to avoid the truth that I might be a boy. I never thought that I felt this way at least not when I was younger and I thought I was normal and like any other girl. But now I keep remembering so much stuff from my childhood and it feels true and it was just something I didn’t know about until I guess I’ve gained the knowledge to understand how I felt? I’m not really sure I’m always confused and I feel like my head is going to explode, but I don’t feel like a girl anymore and I don’t feel connected to my body in the way I once was. Everything that I held as a value seems to be turning into something so morally against my character or something. I used to constantly feel like though that I was still finding myself or something as in like what I wanted to do career wise and how I wanted to dress like my aesthetic but I never felt like I was in the wrong body or that I wanted to be a boy. I of course had moments where the typical girl thing would be that boys lives are so much easier but I never wanted to be a boy or was envious of their gender. I love or I guess loved being a girl and didn’t want to change that. I’m not sexually attracted to women I really don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to be that masculine figure in a relationship or in any other area and life but I can’t help but think that this is my true self but I just don’t want to be a boy I loved being a girl and wearing makeup and dressing up and doing girl things but now all of a sudden it’s like I want to do every manly thing in existence idk but I know those things I don’t enjoy. I don’t know I’m so confused and can’t help but feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse and lying to myself and then when I remind myself it is ocd it just feels wrong idk maybe this is who I am and to be honest I just want to cry but even then I can’t tell if that’s real or not and that I’m crying because I still want to be a girl or just crying to cry idk
It keeps telling me i want facial hair, and that i want to do all these things to myself that i don’t wanna do. I just want to be a girl. It makes me feel like i want it, but i know i don’t. Even me saying that feels like denial, it also doesn’t help that i have no reaction to the thoughts, yet i ruminate on them. This all happened during a time of stress, like high stress.
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