- Username
- aprilmava
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Also like my brain keeps telling me that I want a penis but I don’t want one . It’s uncomfortable and can’t imagine myself with one and I cross my legs because it feels gross . And every time I look at a man my brain keeps telling me that I want to be the man but I don’t want to :( I don’t want to at all . But idk if I want to be the girl either (?) idk who tf I am anymore . I can’t look at myself in the mirror or comfortably shower and I can’t look at photos from before since idk who I am :( but I don’t want to be a man but it’s in my head and I feel like I’m in denial bc of the feeling. Please anyone with TOCD lmk your experiences cause it’s uncomfortable. Like I said my brain is making me feel like I’m already a man but it’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to . I feel like it’s got to be body dysmorphic . I can’t tell anyone these feelings cause I don’t want them to think wrong.
when i went through tocd - which i still sometimes do - i felt exactly like this. you’re not alone! 💛 and take tarot with a pinch of salt
Thank you! I’m not looking for reassurance but I feel like I’m going insane :(
@aprilmava i wish i had advice to give but honestly, i just move on to new themes, forget tocd, and then it comes back. i think we could both benefit from maybe exposing ourselves to the possibility more. like unconditional acceptance.
@garden I do that too! It switched from theme to theme but it still there . Thanks anyways ❤️
A lot of this is very similar to my experience. I keep getting intrusive thoughts that a lot of my social / mental problems over the years have been because I am "really" a latent, closeted trans woman. Like if I imagine myself with a vulva instead of a penis, I don't want that, but then I get a thought like "that's just you in denial" or "you can be a trans woman and keep your penis." Sometimes it'll be a little thing -- I'll just see my first name and think that maybe I should change it to a feminine name; someone calls me Sir/Mister and I think "I am fooling them," etc. It's rough stuff! I just try to do ERP regularly and not engage with the thoughts.
Have I always been suppressing my actual gender? I have in no way desire to be a guy. But am I a girl tho? I am honestly not sure. Like all of the sudden I don’t want to be anything? I loved being a girl. But do I want to still be one? I honestly don’t know. I am too anxious. I guess my tocd isn’t really about having thoughts of being a guy, but just about not being a woman.
Why am I suddenly now wondering if I am transgender? Like I look in the mirror and do not feel pretty at all anymore and when I talk I feel like I worry about sounding masculine, as well as if people think I look masculine, etc. I am a straight woman and have been battling with intrusive thoughts about my sexuality for some time now, and I am now suddenly questioning my gender identity too. Has anyone else with SOOCD experienced this, where you develop TOCD as a result of endless rumination cycles surrounding your SOOCD? Like I look into the future and know that I want to be a wife and mother and I want to have a husband and kids, but my OCD is telling me that I will be and act like a man and that will never happen. This is literally 10000x more distressing to me than my SOOCD was because I have honestly never understood the concept of being transgender but now I fear that that is who I am and who I have to be. Please help I cannot be the only one suddenly feeling like this. I want to feel confident and pretty and feminine again and I feel like I am never going to be able to. How do I know that this isn’t gender dysphoria/that I really want to become a man
I’m so fucking torn and so fucking lost. The last couple days, I feel like something in me has switched. I feel horrible about my body, especially my boobs and my vagina. I feel uncomfortable with anything female about myself and I feel like I need to GET OUT of my body. I feel so hyper aware of my breasts and I can’t ignore them. Looking at my body makes me anxious and feel nauseated. I can’t function, I’m dreading showering tomorrow. I always have a physical sensation of something in my lower region. My voice and face and name and pronouns trigger me and make me uncomfortable. The intrusive thoughts are either gone or are in the form of feelings. I’ll look at my face and suddenly I will feel like I don’t like it and it makes me uncomfortable. I DONT WANNA BE TRANS BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS IS DYSPHORIA. I feel like I finally understand WHY people transition. I feel like I need to change something because this feeling feels permanent. I’ve been wearing baggy masculine clothes every day because anything feminine makes me nauseous and feel horrible. I just wanna separate myself from anything female right now. Furthermore, I now usually “perceive” myself as a man. It’s like there is a man inside of me. Literally i sometimes feel like a male in a woman’s body. I keep imagining myself as this man character in my head, everything I do I feel like him. I’m so fucking tired. I’ve been having panic attacks and sobbing hysterically all day yesterday and today. The thought of ACTUALLY being trans is so fucking scary that it makes me cry and feel sick but the way I feel right now I feel like I need to be transgender and become male or else I will live in this horrible foggy misery forever. This has only been 2 days. Is it weird that I feel like I don’t even want my old self back, or that I don’t want it to be OCD???? It feels REAL. Can OCD do this because I genuinely hate my femaleness right now and I SEE myself as a male. Everything about my past feels so superficial and fake and like it was never me. I feel like this is me. And I cannot stress how fucking deep this feels. I feel like I genuinely want the surgery now. Everything feels so different. I need help. When I look at symptoms of TOCD, I feel like that’s ME! I did all of these in the very beginning. And I feel relieved but not convinced. But now, I relate more to dysphoria than actual TOCD. Is this something that can happen?
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