So I recently suffered a friendship loss of 3 of my closest friends (not death) or atleast I thought them to be. And they did me wrong and I have come to terms with it and it really hurt me and triggered my ocd just mentally made me get worse and start giving into compulsions again after all my hard work of not giving in a getting so much better. But now it’s like this incident about my friendship loss has started to become one of my obsession. It makes me doubt ocd cause technically it isn’t a subtype but it sort of is because it’s all about myself acceptance and I truely feel alone and like there is something wrong with me. I constantly stress about having no friends now and that they are all talking to everyone I know ans turning them against me. But to stop stressing about it I have to like give myself a random speech of sorts to clan myself done and at first I thought it was just positive talk but now I notice it has become a compulsion. And i have to keep giving myself this speech in my head so I stop stressing which is obviously ocd. But it’s like even when I don’t have a specific thought I’m always stressed like a constant stressful buzzing in my head, does anyone else relate, I’m trying to hard to not give into the compulsion and I think I’m doing okay but sometimes like right now it’s just so hard and I wanted to express this experience see if anyone else relates to it.

I don’t even know where to start because there’s so much going on in my head and it feels like there’s so much evidence for every thought. Like my ocd feels like it doesn’t just have one specific theme it’s honestly every theme and it just switches throughout the day depending on the thoughts I have. This started all about a month ago, this whole ocd flare up. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd for about 3 years now and looking back on my childhood, I feel like I’ve had it for probably my entire life. My grandpa just recently died back in February and I feel like this whole ocd spiral is a result of dealing with grief especially because it didn’t even hit me for the whole month of April for some reason and things felt “normal”. But since this ocd flare up has started I’ve been constantly reviewing and revisiting my past, all my childhood memories and so many of them are terrifying which is weird because I never had a traumatic event hppen to me as a child. I feel like it’s always been “self-inflicted” trauma if that makes sense? My mind is telling me so many things related to so many topics like maybe I liked my family member as a kid and have just hid it to fit in with society? That my anxiety as a kid has caught up with me and I’m turning into a psychopath? That I’ve always been a creep and enjoyed looking at peoples privates or chests, etc but just ignored or allowed the thought this whole time. Also before this whole flare up I remember always feeling on autopilot and not really alive like everything I did I just felt numb about it. Which aids my ocd to tell me that these feelings are real and the thoughts are true and that I’m “waking up” or realizing or something. I haven’t felt such intense anxiety and distress since I was a kid and I didn’t even understand my own thoughts. It’s like I’m either hyper aware or totally unaware of what’s going on around me and it gets me thinking about my existence, personality, what my role in life is and like genuinely what I’m even doing in the moment like what’s the reason behind everything. I’m constantly questioning my intentions because I don’t know if they’re true or not and it’s like my ocd doesn’t even allow me to consider the thought it just jumps to conclusion. Like telling me I’m guilty before proven innocent. It honestly feels like so much at once to even simply call it ocd or anxiety because it feels like a crisis and any moment I could spiral and breakdown completely. Going to school everyday feeling like anytbing could trigger a panic attack at any moment makes me feel like I can’t be left alone with my thoughts. And like overall since I got down this rabbit hole, my first obsession was harm to myself, then it was harm to others specifically my family, then it was being a pervert or pedo, or being attracted or someone or something I shouldn’t be, which then makes me question my existence and who I am along with also being hyper aware of my facial movements like my eyebrows, nose, etc. Like why does ocd have to involve itself in every aspect of my life? It feels like there’s always something wrong that I need to fix.

Hi guys! I had really bad harm ocd about 2 years ago and I went through therapy and eventually got really good at handling it when it would pop up. The other day, I was scrolling on TikTok and came across a girl talking about a guy who was presenting a lot of schizophrenic symptoms but no one paid attention and got him help, he was having a lot of delusions, hallucinating, thinking everyone was out to get him, thought he was Jesus and his dad was the president and ended up doing horrific things. The day after that, I was dealing with some work drama and had the thought of “what if all my coworkers are against me and trying to get me fired”. That really stressed me out, cause I don’t normally think about them like that and I went down a rabbit hole of thinking that was the beginning of me developing schizophrenia, ended up googling stuff all night, taking tests, crying and seeking reassurance. I had a thought the other day “your dad is the president”, this one didn’t stress me out as bad as I knew it was just the video I had seen and it was an intrusive thought about it, and I also didn’t believe it. Today I was with some friends and I got a prize at a place we went and it said “lonely” on it. I do have my moments of feeling lonely and this week has been specifically trying so I had a thought like “oh someone’s out to get me cause I got this”. I know this isn’t logical and it wouldn’t make sense to just randomly get it if someone was truly after me and it was just a stupid prize at a random place, anyone could’ve gotten it. Im just struggling a lot with schizophrenic OCD and thinking I’m in the pre stages of it. In my good moments, I don’t think I am at all and it was all just sparked from the video I watched but in my bad moments, these thoughts feel real!! They really stress me out and make me feel like I’m going to lose my mind causing me to lose my job/ end up in a psych hospital/ never live a normal life/ end up alone, never see me my loved ones/ hurt my loved ones. I just want to feel normal and not like I’m about to lose my mind and everything I care about. Please help!!! Anyone else going through something similar and can help me get through this!

This is a late night thought I get a lot not all the time but most nights sometimes I feel like my ocd would make me think that I have this thing trying to talk to me or getting me to do things that I do NOT want to do AT ALL. This is also why I try to stop being online or not talk or do anything at all. I'm trying to explain in the best way I can. The best way I can describe my ocd or mental health right now would be like Jeykll and hyde. Especially in the musical the most popular song confrontation cause like false memories or something like that. Having false memories of doing something especially online in my past that was so bad at least to me and I just have forgotten about it. Trying to remember feels like as if it was a different version of me or a complete different person cause I do be wanting to think of my past self as a completely different person cause I personally feel like I did or even said something so wrong or bad (even though I didn't do anything...) that I just want my old self to be a completely different person. My ocd has also gotten so bad that it made me have developed severe delusions of the government or government services like the police or FBI coming to get me. So sometimes I would think about turning myself into the station or mental hospital one because I also developed S**cidal ideation because it got so bad though I never wanted to acted on anything. I haven't really experienced ideation that bad until I first developed it but I just get scared of my mental health getting bad again.