Hi guys. I’ve been struggling a lot with mental compulsions and rationalizing. Part of my treatment is eating animal products since I believe I’m immoral otherwise, but the only way I’ve brought myself to do this is through a mental compulsion about my reproductive health. I’ve been losing my hair and suffering with acne for a year now (randomly started at age 20) which I attributed to about 10 different illnesses I convinced doctors to test me for before my OCD decided I’m just infertile. So now I use the animal products to reassure myself that I’m protecting my fertility and that overcoming my ED will stop my hair from falling out. I have to tell myself this otherwise I can’t bring myself to eat the food. Perhaps my most harmful compulsion is having unprotected sex with my boyfriend to see if I can get pregnant. Even though I don’t want to be pregnant, i know it’s a way of checking on my fertility. Worse yet, if I get pregnant, I’ll either tell myself I’m evil for thinking about an abortion or get one and believe this ushers in a new punishment for myself which is infertility for life. On the other hand, if I carry the baby to term, I’m convinced the meds I’m on will harm the baby (hence another reason to stop my meds, which I’ve only taken consistently for a week max). I’m too ashamed to even tell my therapist.

First off, I’m so sorry. I know how hard OCD is first hand and exposure therapy is torture AND I’ve struggled myself thinking I was infertile for YEARS and then got pregnant the first time we tried. You just don’t know! Second, I really think you should share this with your therapist! They’ve seen and heard it all and won’t judge you. They’re the ones hired to help you. Can they walk you through eating meat without doing a mental compulsion? Sometimes when I do OCD my partner helps me by telling me I’m contaminated (because we need the anxiety to be high and not have mental compulsions in order for the brain to habituate) It’ll be really hard at first but the more you do it the easier it’ll get. As far as the sex compulsion, I totally get that desire (I struggled a little with that too) but the consequences are so drastic I think you should probably tackle that first. I think your therapist can offer some insight on how to battle that one! Just know you’re not alone and none of what you’re doing is weird. This disorder is so demanding. ?

“When I do OCD” I meant when I do ERT haha my brain is probably fried from all this exposure I’ve been doing ?

Thank you so much, ladyrae. You’re story helps me and makes me feel a little less crazy. I need to remember that my OCD is separate from me, yet apart of me. The things it latches onto can be incredibly painful because it’s usually what we cherish most. I will need to bring this up to my partner as well as my therapist to be held accountable. I am so grateful for your feedback - thank you❤️

I’m so glad you’re sharing with them - that will be a game changer and I know it’s an incredibly brave thing to do!