It is funny: ocd only tells you "you should" or " you shouldnt" but it does not allow you just to be and relax.

It's like an abusive person and I've already had enough of them in my life. It's really funny how ocd turned even my own self into someone that abuses me. This brings me to the realization that all this abuse eventually molded me into a person that actually hates herself. Sometimes i wish we could control our whole phyche via some sort of control panel.

Yes! It really is! I remember telling my councellor back in 2020 "I really like you, but I know at some point I will start 'deconstructing' you and only looking at your flaws and will only think negative things" Little did I know that was OCD... Anything I value, or try to, gets ruined by endless doubts. It's so abusive, it gaslights you by making you think and feel things you disagree with. It will twist everything as negatively as possible.