I never wanted to die I have 4 kids I’ve always found happiness in stuff but I new ppl thought the only way to stop there suffering was to die and now I’m at the point we’re I can understand that more I’m here begging for help wanting to get on medication and do exposure and response therapy I want to feel peace in my mind I live amongst ppl who are normal but I can’t think like them I want to no wat it’s like to not have ocd but I can’t get help I can get ssi and be disabled but can’t get the proper care cause nowere takes my insurance ppl keep telling me places but I’ve called them nowere in Tennessee can help me I also have depression and anxiety I’m also on suboxene a few years ago I admitted myself and they discharged me in 3 days told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to an ocd place in Chicago but they denied me cause of my insurance they gave me klonopins in the hospital which changed my life it was the first time I had been prescribed an anxiety medication that helped me feel better in that instant cause I was so upset bout them touching my stuff and the amount of clothes they were telling me I could bring and that I couldn’t bring qtips and all those things are apart of my dressing rituals so I literally felt like I was dieing they gave me klonopins which helped me relax more sent me home wit a prescription the doctors made it so hard for me to get my medicine I had just been threw so much I just wanted my medicine but that just aggravated me I was tired of not being treated I was tired of being denied proper care I was tired of going every month to get medicine that I need to take the rest of my life I was tired of being treated like a drug addict for klonopins so I got on drugs I started takeing pain medication it numbed me to were I was relaxed and wasn’t worrying as much but then I got to were I needed the drugs I had no money everything sucked I got on suboxene but now that’s 1 more thing I have an issue wit this shouldn’t be this hard to get help and to get the medication I need I’m so tired of jumping threw hoops for help everything is so difficult you gotta call a million times explain everything all the time deal wit medications and pharmacy’s and just so much bullshit like just give me the help I need so I can be more normal so I can work so I can support myself so I can have a better life and better quality of life and give me peace in my brain this is the reason death is the only way to make it stop forever that’s wat I want is to make it stop forever no more pain and suffering to just live a normal life I want peace forever and rite now there only 1 way of getting that and that’s not being here anymore.

i want to get this out of the way; i’m not suicidal. i’m a 17 y/o guy whose been living with OCD for what i assume is most of my life despite only getting the diagnoses last year. i’ve been hustling on despite my mental health really consuming my life to moments in time where i question my sanity and self control. it’s the lack of control that really kills me with this disorder. each day i wake up, it’s the same persistent reminders; it’s the same meaningless conversations replaying; it’s the same small rituals that just barely let me breathe before the thoughts return. nothing i do is gonna stop that unbearable monogamy where i have to sit back and let my eyes be peeled open; i don’t know how to live with that. no pill has worked on me, and any response i give the thoughts just make them worse. right now i’m trying to just sit through it and not care. don’t let it effect me emotionally; try not to feel the discomfort. then it starts to manifest into physical pain where i feel the bones of my chest have this pressure—like staples entering them at the rhythm of a heart beat. i’m getting though this, but i’m not enjoying my life when doing so. i don’t know if i have a future where it isn’t just this repeating through the process of each day. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life avoiding the one thing i’m supposed to have control over. i also don’t want to drown my days in self medicating or get addicted doing so—like i already am. i don’t see the way to make this life of mine work, especially given how much i don’t have to do deal with at my age. of course that will come to. look, i’m not at risk; i really don’t want in anyway to die despite being basically hopeless. i’m numb to the pain of it, i don’t feel anything in my desire to escape these cycles, i just need an out. i’m not seeing a way to move forward. i’m willing to hear anything.

I really want to die The only thing that keeps me here are my children I can't do that to them... But the torture is unreal... My quality of life is destroyed ritual after ritual after ritual. It's like I have two minds. I want to be normal but the other side of my mind says no! I will not let you be freaking normal You will obey my command and do your rituals everyday out of fear! I can't take it anymore I really just want to die! I pray to God everyday but there hasn't been any answers from him. I'm a devout Christian and a Jesus follower. Where is my Savior? Why does God and Jesus keep on letting us live this way through torture? I feel like I'm a blasphemer for saying that, I'm done I need help! Like we all do!

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.