Please someone help me I think its a fate that I remain single and alone forever. I hate that no one can see any quality on me and that I have no one to talk or chat and looks like I am worthless. So I thought, if no one loves me, I must accept the fact that I am lonely and typed in pormhub to watch something. Thing is I didnt felt aroused or excited or horny. I dont know, I am not feeling nothing. Idk what to do. I could sleep but I cant too. I am so broken. I dont want to feel alone anymore.

I am a girl's in my twenties. I got diagnosed with OCD last year. I have a boyfriend, sadly we're long distance right now. I've liked boys all my life. It's very difficult to sustain intimacy in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I have intimate calls with my boyfriend and it's nice. Other times, however, (and I am not proud of it) I do watch porn. I started watching porn when I was 16. I've tried to quit it many times but every couple of weeks I go back to it. And as everyone knows, one of the MANY problems with it is that your brain will always ask for more. More taboo things, more explicit things. I have a daddy kink. I've roleplayed with my boyfriend and watched porn of this kink. Now, the thing is that my brain keeps telling me that I won't orgasm unless I think of little girls being ab*sed. I've never looked for that on the internet, I never want to either. I am under EXTREME DISTRESS, because what my brain tells me feels SO REAL, and it's like my pleasure gets blocked and that contributes to me thinking my brain must be right. It wasn't like this before. I want to go back. I'm scared it will be like this forever now.

Like always, porn has been a problem and I spent the entire night watching it. I feel tons of shame for things I've seen without intending to see, and I feel shame about struggling with it altogether. I kind of feel like crying but not that much. I'm just trying my absolute best to practice acceptance and not judge myself. I'm just trying to see this as a problem that others struggle with as well and not put myself down for it over and over again. I know that doesn't help in the long run, but it's hard not to feel that way.

I pleasured myself to my intrusive thoughts while I was high as a teen and it felt so real like I genuinely wanted it and leaned into it, it genuinely felt like I enjoyed it and desired it but I’m not sure if I misinterpreted a groinal response and false arousal for desire and did it I don’t even want that stuff in reality nor do I seek it out but I feel like it stains me forever and I cannot be loved or accepted or be a normal human anymore and that my life is over, I don’t know what to do, it felt like it was automatic and it all just happened and then I “snapped back” into reality once it was done and it all hit me like a truck. Does anyone else know if this is a thing or if they’ve had similar experiences? Please help me it feels like I’m dying here. I want to die