All of this happened to me after i started to be very interested about sex. I was reading different articles on the internet, things on wattpad, even started to watch p*rn. And i was feeling aroused when looking at girls, and at first, i didn't think much about it, but after some months, i was talking to a girl about lgbt and the question popped in my head: what if i'm bi? It seemed stupid at first, because i had crushes only on boys in my life, but i started to remember these details and i got very anxious. I can't explain why i get aroused when i look at naked girls, maybe i'm subconsciously putting myself in their place, maybe i just associate it with something sexual, because i don't want to do anything with the girls i see. In that period, i started to get thoughts not only about girls, but about pedophilia, bestiality..it was horrible, and i feel like now it's all coming back. I remembered that some years ago i watched on youtube some videos of dogs mating and i don't know if i felt aroused, but i looked with curiosity...this disturbed me a lot at the moment and even now when i'm writing it i feel horrible, i'm trembling, i feel gross.. I don't understand my sexuality, it seems like everything sexual arouses me, or i don't know. But i feel ashamed to talk about this stuff with my therapist or my parents, i told them just the less shameful things. I don't know what to do. Do i have some sexual or hormonal disease? Am i a crazy creep? It's even worse that i'm disgusted with myself and i don't want to express these thoughts with anyone.

I know it's hard as hell but I think the only way to get over those thoughts is to discuss it with your therapist, and continue doing erp to get better I know how you feel I struggle A LOT with thoughts about bestiality and pedophilia

Hi! I don’t think any of this is out of the ordinary at all especially for us who have an OCD wired brain. I don’t want to downplay your fear at all but I interpret this to mean you were just exploring what was out there not seeking out something. It is also common for straight women to be aroused by images of other women in addition to those of men. When I was first beginning my recovery from OCD guilt was such a large part of my OCD cycle and I didn’t even know. I think for those of us with SOOCD, POCD and ROCD can feel such shame, not only from thoughts but also in trying to explain to others what we are going through. In my opinion, the shame and anxiety that you describe are really textbook OCD. One thing my therapist taught me about leaning into my fear (this is probably only something you should do in recovery with support) is to challenge your doubt. So let’s say your OCD says “you don’t even know your own sexuality”…you could challenge it by saying “you know what maybe I don’t” and then move on. I know it’s easier said than done but don’t try to figure out what these things mean. Everyday we try to answer the same question our OCD poses to us. Don’t do it. I think part of acknowledging your OCD can involve sharing it with someone who cares about you and wants the best for you. I told my mom probably 10 years ago when I first started to experience intrusive sexual thoughts. I was like “ mom, I don’t know what this is and I don’t like it”. I only found out it was OCD this past year, 2021, and being able to call my mom and talk about therapy or medication has been incredible. There are things I don’t tell her because I can’t handle it but I do tell my therapist. She is there solely to listen and help me and most of the time they’ve heard it all. If I were you I’d begin with baby steps, maybe text a therapist first and try to share through text or writing an email. All that said, this is from my own personal experience but I really resonate with your story. You are not a crazy creep and I would be surprised if you had some sexual hormonal disease lol!