I get scared I’m just not being myself. Like anything I pick out at a store I wonder if I actually like it or I’m just pretending to be someone I’m not and that’s why I “like it” idk if this makes sense but I keep feeling like it lately when I’m wearing things that I do genuinely like, I obsess over the fact “what if I only like it because I’m wanting to be someone I’m not.” And it feels like I’m just always lying about who I am ahhh!!

I’m bad with words but bear with me. I think the most unadulterated you is the person you are when you’re alone. You are an amalgamation of mixed parts that come from influence and thats normal! Wanting to be like someone doesn’t mean it’s not you necessarily unless if you like take on their full persona. I’ll give an example I hope that helps; -The boots I’m looking to buy reminds me of an anime character I admire as a person -my glasses were because I thought I was similar to Tom Hiddleston look wise (we both have the same eye color etc) When I put those pieces together you get me! I’m a mix of who I aspire to be. If you aspire to be like certain people or characters alone, that’s ambition I think. Lying is denying your own truth. For example - I know I’m shy and I know I’m autistic. I’d like to be like Tony stark. I wish to have his good qualities. I may be wrong but I think pretending is when you’re in front of others and trying to be someone else when you know it’s not you. Like the dudes who go vegan for their girlfriend when they’re definitely not vegan but they want to impress her. You can want to impress people/make them like you. But if you’re doing sowmthing that makes you feel wrong then that’s the wrong kind. In the autistic world we call this “masking” it’s acting one way alone (comfortable) and another way to blend in (uncomfortable and alot of upkeep). If you’re the same alone and with others then more than likely that’s you :) if you are masking, you’ll notice a difference of your stress levels, unmasked feels easy and you don’t have to think about it. Masking is almost like acting; picture a waitress or customer service person keeping the “cheery always happy demeanor.” Usually when those people get home they’re exhausted because they actually didn’t feel that way at work. (Although some people enjoy it haha!) I hope some of this makes sense. I also have identity issues sometimes.