It seems unfair that I can only be one gender. I wish I could be both. Both feel like a trap anf a limitation. I must be non binary or gender fluid. But I cannot shapeshift my body

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.

This is more under gender identity ocd but maybe someone will find it. I’m just kinda in a googling spiral rn Questions like: What does it mean to feel being your gender If I like taking pictures of me in makeup or without (and usually sending it to my bf) and my pretty outfits is that euphoria? How do I know if like being a woman? Autistic women and gender? (Idk I think I might be autistic and I keep seeing autistic women saying they feel like gender less aliens. Idk if I get that feeling. I love being a woman but I can’t tell if I feel it? Does that make sense?) Gender euphoria meaning and examples Am I depressed cuz im meant to be a man or is it cuz im burnt out If I dress masculine does that make me a man? (I never dress masculine ever. Maybe tomboyish? But like. Feminine tomboy if that makes sense. Think like. Skater girl. But that’s once in a blue moon. I live in cardigans and jeans a lot of the time (when I have patience to dress up) or joggers and a snoopy sweater I love) Has society forced me to be a woman? Is it ok to feel neutral some days being a woman or do I have to be excited all the time (answer is I can feel neutral yes) Is it burnout/depression or am I trans I genuinely have no desire to be a man. But im worried that there’s something hidden. Im worried there’s dysphoria hidden or a trait or smthn that I haven’t noticed. Or im gonna be one of those people who transitions in 20 years time at 40. Im worried im suppressing smthn. I used to be a big tomboy, thought I was a boy for a while, but grew out of it once I got to high school, idk if that was a puberty thing or a me finally feeling good about myself being away from my bullied thing or a society forcing me to act more like a girl thing. I never wore the kilt we had (catholic high school lol. Hated the thing) I just didn’t like it. I still don’t really wear skirts cuz I don’t like having my legs out unless I’m with someone I’m close to (like my bf) I’m not a huge fan of bikinis for the same reason. But I love long dresses and maxi skirts. I do love shorter dresses too but I wear them less. My bf is Muslim so I dress modestly and honestly I prefer it to the shorts all the time thing. I still wear crop tops with him, and I feel confident and beautiful and feel like myself but most of the time I’d rather a t shirt or a long sleeve. I honestly dress more comfortably rather than like out together cuz I’m a pre med student in my now third year of uni. I don’t have time to put makeup on every day when I have 3 classes in one day. Or pick a nice outfit every single day. I only wear super cute outfits on dates, going out with friends, important meetings, with his family or going to the mall, or if I have the random energy burst I have once or twice a month lol. And I feel like me in the outfit cuz it’s actually my style, not the stuff my mother wants me to wear a lot of the time (my mom is somewhat.. critical of my outfits. I wear a lot of cardigans and large sweaters cuz they’re comfy and I feel cute in them and she says I look like a grandma. Idk. Makes me feel meh.) but my bf makes me feel pretty, as do my friends. I never really question my gender. I just feel like a woman so I live as a woman. I feel happy as one, I love purple, I love wearing sparkly dresses. I still think about the dress I wore to a dance with my friends a couple years ago. I felt gorgeous. It was form fitting and covered in sequins. I felt so pretty. But I’m worried I actually didn’t and I was faking? But in that moment that night I felt like a Princess. And when I wore a long dress in the forest with my bf (accidental hike lol. We thought it was a sitting park. It was a hiking one) I felt so pretty. My makeup was gorgeous. He didn’t even have to tell me I looked pretty, I just felt gorgeous. Idk. I think I solved my problem. It’s 2am. I’m tired and I have class in the morning