Anyone who has HOCD get intrusive thoughts during masturbation? And does it mean anything if before HOCD you get intrusive thoughts like that when doing so as well?

I’ve been struggling with HOCD for years, and it started with an intrusive thought about being gay when I was younger. It came up at age 12 and ever since, I’ve been trapped in a cycle of doubt and anxiety. I obsess over whether or not I’m secretly gay, even though I don’t feel that way at all. What makes it worse is the fear that I might have internalized homophobia, and that’s why I’m having these obsessive thoughts. I worry that my anxiety is a sign that I’m repressing something or rejecting part of myself. It feels like my mind keeps repeating the same question—am I gay?—and no matter how much reassurance I get, the fear doesn’t go away. I used to pray for my family members, fearing that if I didn’t, something bad would happen to them, and now it feels like I have to control these thoughts, or something will go wrong. For a while, it was quieter, but a week ago, the thoughts spiraled up again, and now the anxiety feels overwhelming again. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know how to break free from this constant loop of doubt. Has anyone dealt with the fear of internalized homophobia alongside HOCD? How do you manage the anxiety that comes with it?

Cause i feel like i am the only one with these thoughts

Does anyone else get intrusive thoughts of same sex oral sex? I’ve been struggling with this repeated intrusive thought for over two years, and everytime I get it it’s like a stab in the chest, I hate it so much if I think about it for too long it makes me feel sick and I’d never want to do it so why does it keep coming back 😔