is anyone else literally not able to describe some of their intrusive thoughts?? like you know it’s an intrusive thought/related to ocd but can’t describe how like idkkkk idek how to describe this my mind feels so crazy

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

I can't explain my obsession to anyone without it sounding crazy and no one understands the obsession, so I won't try to here. But has that happened to anyone? An obsession that you can't put into words and no one understands? I was making a tiny bit of progress with my NOCD therapist, but I couldn't afford it anymore. So I'm just feeling alone, scared, and crazy. Just wanted to reach out here. Thank you

Soo i need to say this but i struggle with real event ocd but its not things i did but things i thought or things i felt for certain situations or to certain things i like im having trouble telling apart my feelings like i try to sort them like oh this is that feeling but i got the same feeling for two different situations one is good one is bad and i got the same feeling so im just scared why did i have that reaction i guess i just im sitting here analyzing what that feeling is and i genuinely dont know its not anything physical its more in my head and now im checking every moment in the past to see the thought process and what i felt in that moment and im just scared of what i feel