Thread
Anonymous_29
15d ago

Does anybody else have this, I’ve got to a stage where I feel no anxiety or disgust or shame surrounding my intrusive thoughts, this in turn gets me worried as for the past few weeks I have woken up and I have been convinced that I am the person that I have feared for the most part of a year. I used to hate having these thoughts but now my mind always says things like “that wouldn’t be so bad” or “other people have done why don’t you” but I don’t want to act on these thoughts but it’s like my mind has given up over time and said “I’m done just do it, you don’t see a problem anymore”. Even when I say to myself I wish I could go back, even before I had these intrusive thoughts I always wanted to go back to a time in which I didn’t have crippling anxiety, but now my mind says “you don’t want to go back” but I know I do. I thought I was getting better this week as I started reading a book which says to accept the thoughts are there but it’s hard to read as most pages say stuff like “you fear what you might become” or “ the anxiety is too much” but like I said it feels like I’ve moved past that stage and I feel as if I’m at my worst because I don’t fear the person that I think I am which is terrible 😞. I don’t understand how you can fear/disgusted/ashamed about something for a really long time, try to tell yourself everyday that your not that person (without succession) but then now barely feel any of that and feel as if your a completely different person. Whenever something controversial comes up in conversation with my friends/family I feel nothing, I feel as though if I say something it will be a lie. Whenever I talk about girls with my mates I feel as though if I say that I’m attracted or turned on by them I’m lying to them and I’m secretly this monster. Sorry for the long paragraph (to whoever reads this) but I just feel at my worst at the moment because of zero emotions towards anything, I feel like I’m the exception, I feel like I don’t really need to do my compulsions I’m just doing them for the sake of doing them, ultimately I feel as if I don’t have OCD, I made it up in my head as I didn’t know anything about it till I looked it up so my brain probably latched onto that like a crutch and said “yeah we’ll just say we have that”.

Anonim0us
15d ago
Yeah I think I have
compulsion5000
15d ago
Bad thoughts don't make you s bad person. It's only actions that matter even if the thoughts don't upset you as long as you genuinely have no intention to act on them.
linds💕
15d ago
I feel this. I get scared I’m the exception. For me, it’s on and off though. I have Sexual Orientation OCD, I identify as a straight woman, but have intrusive thoughts about being with a woman. I don’t want to be, it doesn’t feel like me, it’s not what I desire. But sometimes I have feelings that it is what I want. I feel like after all this time for fighting for me, that I’m not into women, I sometimes feel like I’m faking it and trying to run from the truth. I get scared I’m the exception. I get scared that I want to be with women. I feel like I’m lying to myself, my boyfriend, and my family. I feel horrible. This disorder is horrible and hard. Sometimes I feel so defeated because I fear that this is real. I feel like when I feel “okay” and I look back on moments I felt “okay” that I’m just a liar. This is so hard. It’s distorted the way I see myself, the way I see my partner, and the way I see my family and life. I’m tired of this. I wish it could all go away. I don’t know if I relate to what you’re saying, but feeling like the exception and like I am my feared thoughts, I understand. I’m confused and I’m scared.
WhyMe?
15d ago
I feel you on this! I’m also a woman who identifies as a straight. I’ve been in therapy since last September and I’m upset that these thoughts are still here. My anxiety has improved a lot but now it’s back 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s so annoying and feels like a never ending loop. I feel strongly that we can all get through this. Much love & stay strong 💕
Anonymous_234
15d ago
I FELT THIS SO MUCH!!!!
Anonymous_234
15d ago
this is currently exactly how i feel and it’s worrying me.
Peter !
15d ago
Yep, and the thought of not even having the anxiety or disgust automatically triggers me and makes me start ruminating.
linds💕
15d ago
Yup!!
mariaj
15d ago
Yep I'm at this stage too, not that much anxiety but then anxiety from not being anxious 😅 my mind keeps saying "well if this was ocd you'd be feeling anxious so you obviously don't have it and really want to do xyz" classic ocd backdoor spike!
Rozzie
15d ago
This is me rn with my suicidal ocd. It's scaryyyy