It's 2 AM and tomorrow I have an interrogation and I have to wake early to study but I can't sleep because I've suddenly had nostalgia attacks about Minecraft, and I've been reminiscing the old times. I'm fucking crying over MINECRAFT memories, this is so weird and ridiculous, I'm 16 years old ffs. I'm so emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by this melancholia of the past and it hurts, and this is one of those times. I lost all of my minecraft friends in one day. I've never even got to say goodbye. I'll never find closure. This was during middle school when the only friends I had were on Minecraft. Now I'm in high school, why can't I just let it go?

When I was 5, I met my best friend in kindergarten. Ever since, she had not really been allowing me to hang out with other kids because she wanted me all for herself, which I thought was cute at the time, but then she also began completely leaving me for another friend whom she'd become obsessed eith, and when she got bored of them, she'd then come back to me. Many times she's insult me, but if I ever dared say she's even doing something wrong she'd get mad. I always had to do what she wanted, and every time I said no and wanted to do something she'd barge into my bedroom (because this was mostly in my house when we used to play), slam the door, and throw things at me when I came in to talk. Once, I found a horseshoe (I can't remember if I was with her or if I told her about it?) but anyways I was the one who found it, and she demanded I give it to her. I told her no because I loved it and wanted it and I found it, and she told me that if I didn't give it to her she would h**ng me with it. I didn't even know what that meant but I knew it meant something terrifying. I also began developing OCD around 8 and she and basically everyone made fun of me because I had a lot of physical compulsions and they reanacted my compulsions, and for that I always felt stupid and weird. I began to hide my compulsions, only doing them when no one was watching or when I was alone. I normalised it all by the time I turned 13, but my relationship had gotten so bad with her that I was actually absolutely terrified of going to her house to hang out, and for her birthday, she invited me out with another friend she hung out with. They ONLY spoke about things they were interested in like books and that's fine, but they knew that I wasn't interested in that stuff at all and asked me "Why don't you talk?" Like always, I felt left out because the only time my ex bsf spoke to me was when she embarrassed me in front of the other friend. Anyways I couldn't take it anymore that summer and stopped talking to her because I just couldn't do it anymore. Thoughout those years (and now still) I've been using Maladaptive Daydreaming SEVERELY every day to cope. I remember it reached the point where I would be actually talking to them in my head, like using my tongue to talk as if I was speaking physically but not opening my mouth or letting out any noise so nobody thinks I'm weird if that makes any sense, and I'd just be listening to music ALL day and pace for hours and hell, my OCD began targeting my MD, which was LITERALLY the thing my brain was using in order to protect my brain from loneliness AND OCD which os crazy lol, but I feel so stupid because I feel like with the MD i should've just sucked it up and changed fandoms instead of letting my OCD keep targeting the characters of the fandom I was Daydreaming to, even though I would spend days feeling physically hot, head and thoughts spinning, overanalyzing the game I daydreamed to over and over again to make sure that the character I roleplayed as was loved by the other characters that brought me comfort. I was so obsessed with the characters and the Daydreaming that it probably became the only thing that made me feel genuinely understood and loved and they were in my very own head! Does what happened even count as trauma lol? It feels kinda stupid cus it was just a childhood friend being a kid like yea sure she was toxic, but I never hated her. My parents loathe her because of this, but I feel like I'm just over exaggerating everything and don't want to be saying that this girl has traumatised me because I don't want to be blaming someone for something severe.

From 2 months I realised I had OCD mix of alot of intrusive thoughts for the first time everything been so bad in my life since then but Thank god after taking medication it gone much better but after 2 months i have been struggling in my life in some way and i couldn't connect to the people around me because sometimes i become more anxious then I started playing a game consists of group of friends answering questions of different things movies quotes anyhting and i started to talk to them and after time i made group of friends and i was the leader 4 boys and 4 girls they were so funny and really respectful they matched my energy so well especially a boy there and after time i started falling for him more and getting attached to them more and if someone at home knows about this they will be so mad at me because I don't know them and it's wrong behavior to talk or play that lots of time with people you don't know But I can't stop talking to them they make me feel like all my intrusive thoughts calm down and the moment I feel like i need to leave them i feel stressed or anxious and my intrusive thoughts gets bigger I got so much attached to them and that boy and it Hurts and especially that boy seems like he likes someone from the team and I shouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place I feel so lost and idk what to do my OCD been severe these days I don't wanna cut them but I should cut them...!

I feel like a p because my little brother was telling his friend that I had a hand a game called slap battles and I was happy to join the game it’s like why do I feel happy because of that I remember I use to help people get badges for the game and this one kid who I would always help and I would join to play with him and he was telling me he’s from this country and he was 8 or something and I feel like a p because of that thank God he unfriend me because till this day I think about it and if he was still my friend I don’t think I would sleep at night thinking if I said or did something wrong in the game Like he asked one day how old I was and I didn’t want to tell him but I think back at it and I’m just like did I not want to tell him because I wanted to do something or I didn’t tell him because I wanted to fit in? I feel so bad when my brother friends friended me and I don’t friend them back because I know what rejection is like and I’m not trying to be mean but I just won’t sleep at night thinking about if I did something I just get upset It’s so upsetting and it makes me want to cry