Sometimes I feel like mental health is not real. My brain points to every memory and uses it against me. Always trying to confirm the worse possible outcome 🤦🏾‍♂️

My ocd them has gotten worse and I’m trying my hardest to not look for reassurance. Why does my mind play these tricks on me that I’m saying my thoughts out loud????? I’m trying my hardest to ignore it but it’s making me depressed. When I’m ignoring it my brain will go to “everybody will talk about you” “you said something bad” “you said it out loud and when you’ll live a terrible life”. I don’t know what to do anymore

I know the solution is to always say “yeah that could be true, but I am choosing to live my life anyway.” However, I feel like my biggest issue is my brain always assuming that it is immediately true when I do that. Like if I say “maybe I’m attracted to teenagers, it’s possible,” then my brain INSTANTLY starts rationalizing that thought and defending it and being like “oh okay so you think this now and it makes sense because xyz, and now that’s who you are and your real desire is now and always will be teenagers.” I feel really alone in this area of feeling like my brain “accepting the thoughts” means my brain immediately accepts them as true. I obviously don’t want to think they’re true but I feel so stuck now.

The things my brain convinces me of are so horrible idk how im going to get through this this time. I feel like I tell my self all the obsessions this episode u don’t even know or you definitely didn’t do but then I just start ruminating on simply the idea of them existing for me to worry abt being enough to keep me in the episode and I can’t even remember them all which doesn’t make sense how I would just forget but ocd makes it make sense yk. Sometimes they feel so real and there is nothing I can do to know and I just want to be happy so bad ik my core values and how I actually feel but it’s just a dark lonely terrifying cloud raining on me all day and night long.