Someone help I'm really anxious So I'm getting PCR tested for covid and I'm terrified I have it because it means I exposed people. Last sunday I had a terrible headache but it disappeared the next day and I was sure it had other reasons because I have headaches really often (you can't get tested unless your symptoms have lasted more than 24 h here). But then my throat felt weird and I had to swallow and clear it all the time, probably making it worse. Apparently anxiety can make you feel as if something is stuck in your throat, and I've been so very stressed all week, and it started to get bad last sunday. It disappeared when I was focused on other things, like school that was in person, which means it was probably only OCD, which my parents convinced me off, and I ignored it like you're supposed to ignore OCD. I trusted my parents because were I to trust myself I'd barely leave my house ever and they have more common sense than my OCD brain, but I'm so scared that was a mistake But this morning in class my nose felt runny and I panicked. Probably because it was windy on the way there, it happens all the time. But it was too much and I went home and sort of had a panic attack I think. It disappeared and I feel fine now except my throat feels weird (doesn't hurt or ache and there's no cough but it feels stuffed, which is not even a symptom of corona. I've googled so so so much already). But now I'm getting tested but I won't have the result for days and I feel like I will be in a constant state of fear... I already had two negative rapid tests but that doesn't really help since they aren't very accurate... If I actually have covid I've been going to school with it for a week and grocery shopping and exposed so many people while playing it off as OCD... I'm not sure I will be able to forgive myself for that. Logically I know I'm trying to find some sort of balance between OCD and the pandemic because I need to keep living even with the fear of making others sick, but that doesn't excuse being irresponsible. Have I been irresponsible? My parents argued that I can't keep wasting tests because my OCD convinces me I'm sick all the time. There's logic in that but it feels like I'm not being careful enough. I'm following all restrictions and stuff but I can't really trust myself when it comes to symptoms and what I feel Don't really know how to deal with this :(

content warning: MRI results I got prescribed MRIs done on my lumbar and cervical spine over the weekend, and several things came back abnormal in the report. I started to google when I saw a word ending in -oma, got a basic definition of this particular kind of t*mor (probably benign/non-cancerous), realized that googling in this case was for sure a compulsion, caught myself and put my phone away. I told myself, "I have an appointment with my specialist in 2 days. I trust this doctor, so I will delay/not do my own reading until after I talk to her, and only if she recommends further self-education." I stuck to it and I was proud of myself. Cut to the appointmet today. I got lost in the building where her office is and arrived 14 mins late. The receptionist said there's a 15 minute grace period, so I would have to reschedule. No availability for 2 MONTHS, even for telehealth. First of all, I am so ashamed of being late (that's another trigger for me), and so hurt and rejected that they wouldn't talk to me, even very briefly. Now the urge to google is so extreme. There are objectively concerning things in my report, based on what she said ahead of time that we were looking for, and what would affect treatment. I also have a LOT of c*ncer in my family history; 3/4 grandparents, an aunt on each side, and 1.5 bio parents (1 was skin c*ncer, 1 was prec*ncerous polyps removed but considered high future risk to be monitored), so "-oma" and "t*mor" are big red flags in my minds. So while normally I am actually pretty good about living and making peace with my chronic conditions, and health ocd is really only like 5 on my hierarchy, I know that I actually do have to be vigilant about c*ncer in some ways. My balanced solution is sticking to recommended observation scheduling, and then entrusting the research and checking to my trusted providers, so that I am not being negligent nor being compulsive. But now what? I hate waiting. Idk if/when I'll hear from her. Chronic pain in those regions due to curvature and degenerative discs are the reasons I have to get MRIs every couple of years, and now I am so somatically, obsessively aware of that pain and wondering what's going on. This post is a vent, and is my choice to express the anxiety without giving into the desire to google. I'm not seeking reassurance on whether I/my test results are going to be ok. Still, I think just some understanding and/or advice on holding myself accountable for not compulsing would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

In September I had unprotected oral sex. I haven’t had sex in five years because even before that I was so ashamed and worried about sex. I finally did it and then a few weeks later while I was at work I started to be very itchy all in my underwear area like up to my butt. I didnt see any blisters or anything but when I googled it, herpes came up. Eventually I thought maybe it was the new underwear I bought and it went away after I stopped wearing them. However it’s returned twice, mostly when I’m really worried about herpes. I know this makes little sense because I don’t thinking about it would cause an outbreak but, either way I’m really nervous to go get tested because I heard there’s a high false positive rate and if I get a positive there’s a huge chance I will just become a recluse and never speak to anyone again. I already have so much trauma with sex, vaginismus, etc. I can’t imagine telling anyone I have herpes and then they 1) don’t want to be with me 2) now know this and could tell anyone they want Even if I don’t have it I was reading it could be asymptomatic and 80% of people who have it don’t even know, so now I’m worried I will get it no matter what sex I have. I can barely handle staying alive with just OCD but now with social stigma with herpes I will feel like I can not even live a normal life. I am already freaking out about it and don’t know what to do. I am worried to go get tested and it saying I have it, and then I’m worried to not and potentially spread it, I’m not even having sex with anyone right now so it’s not like I would. But I’m worried I will forget to wash my hands and touch something and someone else will touch it and then get it. I’m just having a really bad time.

A few days ago, I posted how proud I am of myself, that I managed to go to the doctor to get a vaccination. Now, two days later, I find myself panicking and ruminating. It was a practice where they also test a lot for HIV and other blood diseases and in my mind, the needle/syringe they used for my vaccination was somehow contaminated with blood from another patient. Maybe by accident but sometimes my mind would make up a scenario where they would do it even on purpose. I was so proud of myself, that I managed to go there on Monday and now I am making up scenarios how I caught HIV by going there - I am feeling guilty because I was „careless“. Any tips for the moment? ❤️