Someone help I'm really anxious So I'm getting PCR tested for covid and I'm terrified I have it because it means I exposed people. Last sunday I had a terrible headache but it disappeared the next day and I was sure it had other reasons because I have headaches really often (you can't get tested unless your symptoms have lasted more than 24 h here). But then my throat felt weird and I had to swallow and clear it all the time, probably making it worse. Apparently anxiety can make you feel as if something is stuck in your throat, and I've been so very stressed all week, and it started to get bad last sunday. It disappeared when I was focused on other things, like school that was in person, which means it was probably only OCD, which my parents convinced me off, and I ignored it like you're supposed to ignore OCD. I trusted my parents because were I to trust myself I'd barely leave my house ever and they have more common sense than my OCD brain, but I'm so scared that was a mistake But this morning in class my nose felt runny and I panicked. Probably because it was windy on the way there, it happens all the time. But it was too much and I went home and sort of had a panic attack I think. It disappeared and I feel fine now except my throat feels weird (doesn't hurt or ache and there's no cough but it feels stuffed, which is not even a symptom of corona. I've googled so so so much already). But now I'm getting tested but I won't have the result for days and I feel like I will be in a constant state of fear... I already had two negative rapid tests but that doesn't really help since they aren't very accurate... If I actually have covid I've been going to school with it for a week and grocery shopping and exposed so many people while playing it off as OCD... I'm not sure I will be able to forgive myself for that. Logically I know I'm trying to find some sort of balance between OCD and the pandemic because I need to keep living even with the fear of making others sick, but that doesn't excuse being irresponsible. Have I been irresponsible? My parents argued that I can't keep wasting tests because my OCD convinces me I'm sick all the time. There's logic in that but it feels like I'm not being careful enough. I'm following all restrictions and stuff but I can't really trust myself when it comes to symptoms and what I feel Don't really know how to deal with this :(

In September I had unprotected oral sex. I haven’t had sex in five years because even before that I was so ashamed and worried about sex. I finally did it and then a few weeks later while I was at work I started to be very itchy all in my underwear area like up to my butt. I didnt see any blisters or anything but when I googled it, herpes came up. Eventually I thought maybe it was the new underwear I bought and it went away after I stopped wearing them. However it’s returned twice, mostly when I’m really worried about herpes. I know this makes little sense because I don’t thinking about it would cause an outbreak but, either way I’m really nervous to go get tested because I heard there’s a high false positive rate and if I get a positive there’s a huge chance I will just become a recluse and never speak to anyone again. I already have so much trauma with sex, vaginismus, etc. I can’t imagine telling anyone I have herpes and then they 1) don’t want to be with me 2) now know this and could tell anyone they want Even if I don’t have it I was reading it could be asymptomatic and 80% of people who have it don’t even know, so now I’m worried I will get it no matter what sex I have. I can barely handle staying alive with just OCD but now with social stigma with herpes I will feel like I can not even live a normal life. I am already freaking out about it and don’t know what to do. I am worried to go get tested and it saying I have it, and then I’m worried to not and potentially spread it, I’m not even having sex with anyone right now so it’s not like I would. But I’m worried I will forget to wash my hands and touch something and someone else will touch it and then get it. I’m just having a really bad time.

A few days ago, I posted how proud I am of myself, that I managed to go to the doctor to get a vaccination. Now, two days later, I find myself panicking and ruminating. It was a practice where they also test a lot for HIV and other blood diseases and in my mind, the needle/syringe they used for my vaccination was somehow contaminated with blood from another patient. Maybe by accident but sometimes my mind would make up a scenario where they would do it even on purpose. I was so proud of myself, that I managed to go there on Monday and now I am making up scenarios how I caught HIV by going there - I am feeling guilty because I was „careless“. Any tips for the moment? ❤️

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?