Any other guy feel like they are turning into a woman is that possible what the hell is happening

So in other words, traumatic childhood experiences make you believe that you are worthless, disgusting, etc., which subconsciously reduces your self-esteem. Then you develop OCD so your feelings consciously and subconsciously align.

@Owen Roberts Thank you! I dealt with a lot of trauma in my early teen years, and then broke free from it when I was 15, got into a new relationship, and then started having all of these thoughts. Which makes so much sense. It didn’t get really bad until I was 17 and then got even worse when I turned 18.

@linds💕 What sort of trauma did you experience if I may ask? Also, how did the TOCD start for you and how does it compare to other themes you may have?

@Owen Roberts Well, my main theme is SOOCD and fearing I’m bi. My TOCD manifests in the way I act and certain movement I do I feel like are “manly.” Like I can’t sit certain ways, or do certain things, or move certain ways because I fear it means I’m manly. It’s changed into me just thinking I’m bi. It makes no sense lol. When I was 13, I was introduced to p*rn and it became addictive. And then I was groomed multiple times as a young girl by older men. Right before I got into that relationship at 15, I was in an emotionally and somewhat physically abusive relationship that caused me a lot of trauma. I ended up getting into a relationship with my now boyfriend, who is amazing, and I’m 18. My SOOCD started out with thoughts that I was bi, I didn’t mind it, it didn’t bother me too much, I thought because I was thinking the thoughts and watch lesbian p*rn, that it meant it was true, now at 18, I understand that’s not who I am. That was at 15/16 and then 17 I started having more of these thoughts and they became annoying, and I also had ROCD. Then, a few months after turning 18, I started having reoccurring thoughts that I was acting too manly, and then it transitioned into my main subtype again, SOOCD/ROCD. I don’t know if that made sense. But it’s been a confusing, and weird ride.

@linds💕 I’ve always had really really bad anxiety, which I think was OCD in my early years. I’ve never had these thoughts before I was 15, and before I was in traumatic situations, so it’s such a hard thing to deal with. My absolute dream is to marry a man, and call him my husband and then have kids. And this soocd is really twisting that into something I don’t want.

@linds💕 Thank you for sharing that. Pornography and masturbation has definitely played a role in it for me (I also have SOOCD). It’s kinda funny cause I actually feel that my sexuality has become more fluid over the years which actually may make me more intrigued in exploring outside of my primary attraction to women, but I also get intrusive thoughts about my male friends in a sexual manner that are definitely unwanted. Just goes to show that your sexuality and your OCD are really two separate issues. Anyway, I degress: I can’t imagine being sexually groomed as a teenager…that must’ve been horrible and my heart goes out to you because that must have been horrible. I personally have never been sexually or physically abused but I have been extremely emotionally abused by both of my parents and by my peers in elementary and middle school which I believe has contributed to my low self-esteem.

@Owen Roberts I understand that, I feel comfortable in my sexuality of being straight. When I was younger, I thought I was bi, which is such a triggering thing for me now. Again, it was only because I watched lesbian porn, and found women pretty. But I have never ever wanted to be romantically involved with a woman..so with SOOCD it causes these thoughts to feel all to real. I think part of being human is being able to realize and point out another attractive human being, we have eye balls and brains so it only makes sense. After growing up and realizing that, I think it caused this SOOCD to become so distressing because I’ve thinks I’ve said or mistakes I’ve made in the past. Thank you, I understand. Thank you for sharing as well. In my middle school years I was bullied, which has also caused me to have low self-esteem. OCD is very interesting in the way it works, but it’s very triggering and distressing. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

@linds💕 Because of things I’ve said*

@linds💕 So for you, does the SOOCD manifest as intrusive thoughts about romance with women? Because for me it really just involves thoughts of having sex with men that I find disturbing (particularly because they almost invariably involve my close friends).

@Owen Roberts Yes, I have intrusive thoughts constantly about being romantically involved or having sex with women, and it’s very graphic most times. I don’t enjoy those thoughts either, but you know how OCD is, it convinces you that you do, that it’s what you want.

@linds💕 See for me, the unwanted sexual thoughts involving men are obnoxious in a way, but for whatever reason Im able to quickly recognize them as intrusive thoughts and the move on with my life. I think it’s because as time has passed, I’ve gained more and more themes that make those thoughts seem pleasant by comparison. I remember first having SOOCD thoughts when I was probably 12 or 13, and they scared the shit out of me, but now they’re just annoying. But now I also have TOCD, POCD, harm, etc. I was also wondering if you ever get an obsessive-compulsive experience from seeing particular objects. Because for whatever reason whenever I see womens dresses or skirts, particularly if they are designed to be pretty, I find myself staring at them in this really bizarre way where it’s like I have tunnel vision. Ive heard of people having “staring OCD” before but never on this app.

@Owen Roberts I know what you mean!! I can’t think of any specific examples but when my SOOCD got really bad, I would find myself getting tunnel vision and it’s almost like I zone out but not?? It’s more of like something I see triggers me, I start staring, have tunnel vision, and it’s almost like I go into this unwanted trance and can’t jump out of it. It would happen a lot when I was a kid, but not as much anymore. Typically if I’m in a situation where there’s a lot going on, or change, that happens. When I was younger I had harm ocd, sexual ocd, existential, just right, and more, but I didn’t know what they were. I got diagnosed recently with OCD and I’m starting to notice all the things that have happened in my best that were ocd related, so it makes sense why I have this theme now.

@linds💕 Past*

@linds💕 Yea what you said about falling into a trance is exactly what I mean it’s such a weird feeling and I wish it didn’t happen, because I feel so weird when it happens, and then ofc I get thoughts of “are you staring because you want to wear that,” etc.

@Owen Roberts Yup, and for me, If I stared I’d get thoughts “are you staring because you want to be with her” when in reality, that girl has a cute dress! Or if I find myself staring at a man, I have thoughts like, “are you looking at him because you want to be like a man and date women”

@linds💕 It’s painful for all of us individually but it’s so nice to hear similar experiences from other people to validate that what we experience inside our own heads isn’t uniquely disturbed.

@Owen Roberts Yes! It is! I feel much less alone, and a lot more hope. :)

@linds💕 If you have thought much about it, what can you remember being your earliest theme? Because for me, I can remember obsessing over the idea of growing up and becoming a criminal and being taken away in a white police van wearing a jailbird jumpsuit. That was when I was 7 years old.

@Owen Roberts YES!! I would obsess over that. I remember being so terrified that I would just end up doing something so horrible it would put me in jail. I can’t remember what age but I was really young. I also really obsessed about if I spun around I would have to re spin the other way however many times I spun around otherwise I would think I was going to die or go into a different demension. I’ve always had a really big issue with rearranging my room because if my bed wasn’t in the “right” spot I would get really anxious and fear something bad would happen. Remembering all those things makes so much sense to me now. Like why I deal with what I deal with. I’ve always been super boy crazy and always admired people who have husbands and children, because I value and want that so bad, so of course, my OCD latches onto that.

@linds💕 Yea it’s like I could never explain why I was having those thoughts or explain what I was afraid of but deep-down I just hated myself and thought I was a terrible person. I also started having depersonalization/derealization thoughts around the same time and much later on, when I was 17, that morphed into existential when I thought I was an atheist. I feel like once I realized I had OCD I recognized all these bizarre themes that a 7 year-old has no way of explaining. Not sure if you relate to this, but I also have a habit of blinking every time I’m sitting in the passenger seat in a car and we pass a lightpole. So it’s basically “pass a lightpole…blink…pass a lightpole…blink, etc.” I also unconsciously repeat words under my breath at the end of sentences, which I’ve read possibly indicates being on the autism spectrum and may be comorbid with OCD.

@Owen Roberts I thought I was an atheist too!! And that’s when existential happened too…at 17!! I’ve experienced derealization due to trauma and anxiety, so I understand that so much. I never had to blink every time I passed a lightpole, but I I understand because every time I turned around, I had to turn the other way. It’s such a difficult thing to go through because it’s so hard to explain, even at this age. It’s sad that OCD is so misdiagnosed due to the lack of knowledge around this disorder. I couldn’t explain my thoughts to just anyone because they would just think I’m in denial, or that it makes no sense. it’s difficult.

@linds💕 Yea in October 2019 I basically had this two-week long panic attack where I was terrified at not knowing what existed outside of the universe lol. I was also dealing with harm OCD thoughts of killing my mom in the middle of the night and every night I would go to sleep terrified. I definitely think Instagram, staying up too late, not sleeping enough, etc. made it a lot worse. And yeah, I agree with that. I told my mom of having thoughts of pushing people onto the subway tracks and she basically lashed out at me and accused me of being a terrible person. And it was so hard to open up about that in the first place. But I think she gets it better now.

@Owen Roberts I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, that must have been very difficult for you. Im glad she seems to get it better now, like I said, ocd is so misunderstood. Instagram, twitter, tik tok, and etc. definitely make my symptoms a lot worse. I try to stay off of socials but it’s definitely become a compulsion to stay on them, I also text my boyfriend on Instagram.

@Owen Roberts That’s rough man :/

@linds💕 Thank you. Have you ever opened up to anyone irl who wasn’t a therapist?

@Owen Roberts Yes! I’ve told my boyfriend and my mom. My boyfriend is so lovely, he does his hardest to understand even if it makes no sense to him. My mom has always been a very gentle and comforting person, she told me she’s had these thoughts before too, not as bad as me, but it was comforting. One time I was having a really really horrible panic attack and I was having not so friendly thoughts about myself, and I told her to come down and she just held me. Since I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, and my SOOCD has flared up a ton I’ve found myself really grieving my childhood. I miss being a little girl, and my parents holding me whenever I was sad. Or I miss when my dad would tell me to take deep breaths when I was crying. I miss it so dearly, and it aches that I can’t have it back. But, it’s made me realize how valuable the now is, and to enjoy every moment, because one day you will miss this. So I try to remind myself, no matter how hard it gets it’s so very important to focus on where you are right this second, like just take a second and appreciate what’s around you. Obviously, this is something I fail to do sometimes, and it’s hardest to do when you’re in your hardest moments.

@linds💕 Unfortunately my parents just aren’t that comforting or empathetic. Don’t get me wrong; they are loving in their own ways, but their respective personalities just don’t allow them to be there for emotionally to the degree that I wish they were. Truth be told, I think they both have personality disorders. Not to be an armchair psychologist, but there are so many examples that suggests my dad has antisocial personality disorder and my mom has perhaps obsessive compulsive personality or borderline personality disorder. They’re just not able to support me beyond financial support and the occasional conversation, but even then they often just don’t understand and/or have little emotional patience to hear me out when I talk about this sort of stuff. My dad literally told me one time just to “pray in the name of Jesus Christ” for the thoughts to go away. It just feels isolating.

@Owen Roberts I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that. I’m glad that we can be here for you as comfort and support:)

@linds💕 Thank you I appreciate it

Thanks lol I didn’t come up with that on my own I read it somewhere

@Owen Roberts If you don’t mind me asking, have your intrusive thoughts ever made you feel like you wish you had female parts?? I am a female and am currently struggling with TOCD and it’s getting so bad that it’s making me like visualize myself with male parts and without female parts even though I do not actually want to be transgender. I used to be way more in touch with my femininity and now it’s like these thoughts are making me feel like I want a different body than what I have. It’s driving me crazy because I know I don’t actually want these things or to get rid of my female assets but the thoughts are so convincing and are making me so hyper aware of the sensations I’m having in my body

@cf05 Hey, I know we’ve related to a lot of the same things on here. Though my main subtype is not TOCD, I can relate because with SOOCD as these thoughts come in more, the more I feel like I could see myself with a woman, even though, I don’t want to be. I’ve always been very feminine and boy crazy, so it feels as though those parts of me are being taken from me and it’s very triggering at times. I understand your struggle.

@linds💕 Thank you, I really appreciate you sharing that. This all started with SOOCD, and the more real these thoughts got, the more TOCD thoughts started to pop up like “well are you not feminine enough?” “do you not even want to be a girl?” “oh you thought that guy was attractive, but you’re actually a lesbian so you must just want to look like him.” These thoughts are honestly so much more painful because they are so graphic and not only change the way I think but also change the way I feel when I look in the mirror and make me think I want to change my body to be more like a man, even though I have never wanted that. These thoughts are so scary and so disturbing to me, but the more I think about how much I hate the thoughts and will never ever want them to be true, the more it feels like I subconsciously do want them to be true if that makes sense. It’s so confusing and is taking away every part of who I am. I am just so scared that I actually want these things because it feels so real.

@cf05 Yes, I relate, the more I realize I don’t want these thoughts, the more it feels like I do want them. It’s so confusing. It’s to a point where many times I’ve almost been like “fine I’ll just accept it” but then I get anxious and am like “wait I don’t want to be with a girl” and then my mind reminds me of feelings I’ve had in the past due to SOOCD, and other things that have happened in the past and is just like “you’re just ashamed, you’re just in denial” and it is so difficult. I agree, the thoughts are so graphic, so graphic. They feel so incredibly real when I don’t want them to be so badly. And when I feel okay, When I know these thoughts are just thoughts, I feel like ME. And then of course OCD just tells me I’m lying. It’s a constant battle of confusion, confessing, doubt, worry, relief, and repeat. It’s so sadistic.

@linds💕 Yes it feels so real I just don’t know how it could possibly just be OCD. Like I am getting physical sensations that are making me feel like a different person and then my mind immediately tells me that I don’t want to dress like a girl anymore or when I’m doing my makeup it tells me that I don’t feel pretty with makeup on but I think it’s just because my self esteem is so unbelievably low. I just fear that I will never get my attraction to men back and that I will always be stuck feeling like I am attracted to women or want to be a man, even though I hate myself for even allowing these thoughts to enter my brain. But it’s like now that they have my brain won’t let them go away unless I accept that they are true, which is why it feels so much like they are. My mind is literally twisting everything I have ever done and thought and felt and making it seem like I’ve always “identified” as a man, even though I literally never have in my life. It’s so scary and I just don’t understand how it even got to this point.

@cf05 I completely understand. I could talk for hours about how confusing this feeling feels. I get physical sensations too that make me think I’d rather be with a woman and EVERYTIME I’m like “ok no I don’t want to be” that sensation comes back. The memories come back. OCD like nags me constantly. It’s like an annoying little nat that you can’t fricken kill! Before I was 15, I never got these thoughts either. I never thought about being with a girl, I never wanted that, and now these thoughts are so overwhelming and constant it’s so crazy!!

@cf05 Sounds just like what I’m going through

@cf05 In short, yes. They have made me wonder if I want a vagina, breasts, etc. I’ve also had intrusive thoughts about wanting to cut *it* off lmao. (It’s not really funny but it helps me to make light of it). As I’ve written in previous threads, I have comorbid OCD and transvestic fetish disorder which has made me pleasure myself to the thought of having a female body but I’ve recognized that as unhealthy and I’ve been able to unlearn that pattern of arousal.

@linds💕 When you said “it’s to a point where many times I’ve almost been like fine ill just accept it but then i get anxious and am like wait…etc,” I hardcore related to that. Like I remember a couple weeks ago I went for a walk (going for walks is great for reducing your general anxiety level by the way) and I had an intrusive thought about being a woman and I just thought to myself, “fine, im a woman,” or something like that. And I didn’t feel any anxiety at all. But then I was like, “wait, do I *actually* want to be a woman?” And i was like, “of course not,” and then the cycle repeated. It’s like OCD never allows you to settle into a sense of comfort and certainty. The real answer is to say “maybe im a woman, maybe im not.” That leaves the OCD cycle in a state of uncertainty which it hates, but it does cut off the feedback loop.

@Owen Roberts How do you recommend I seek relief from these thoughts? My mind is making me feel like I don’t want to do girly things anymore, even though I don’t ever want to be transgender. I’m so scared that this is true.

@cf05 It’s actually extremely simple, although not easy in practice. When you get a thought something along the lines of, “I’m a man,” allow that thought to “sit” in your hand. I almost think of it as “trapping” it. Because your instinct is to fight it because it feels threatening, uncomfortable, etc. But instead of fighting it, just accept it, and continue on with whatever it was you were doing. You can also just do the “maybe, maybe not” routine but that potentially enters compulsion territory.

@Owen Roberts I like this idea a lot!! Typically when I do “maybe, maybe not” I notice myself checking my responses!

@linds💕 So do you agree that “maybe, maybe not” can become a compulsion?

@Owen Roberts Yes yes yes!! It’s become one for me, so I try to resist checking when I say it.

It’s to the point idk every thing I do comes back to sexuality and am I comfortable in my own body

It uh yea I feel hopeless wtf do you even do with that information your brain feeds you

I feel that, it’s literally always there and everything. But, it’s important to remember the goal is not to get the thoughts to go away, we can control the thoughts, it’s it let the thoughts be there and not labeling it as “good” or “bad” just letting it be there. It’s really hard, that’s why it’s a practice. We are all doing our best.

@linds💕 Mine has gotten so bad I wear my glasses everywhere I go cause I think people can read my mind and avoid any kind of social interaction and like I don’t belong in my body idk anymore

@Andrew I’m sorry you’re going through that. When I was younger I was really scared people could read my mind, even now, with soocd, I get really scared people will read my mind and “figure me out” it’s very hard. I understand feeling not belonging in your body. I really feel that. I hope you’re doing ok. I’m glad you have this community to relate to:)

@linds💕 Thanks I hope you’re doing ok and get better

@Andrew I’m getting there! Therapy and medication definitely helps.

I don’t, I’ve had my therapy for a couple of years. But I want to because my therapist doesn’t specialize in OCD.

Something isn’t right here like yea you can’t just turn but where does it all stem from there has to be a source you can’t live life feeling like you’re a women it’s tough

@Andrew Idk man I feel like I was always that thing and never realized it. I hope we feel better soon