I wanted to share something positive for everyone. It's a long one By no means am I a success story yet but I am working hard towards it. 12 years ago when I was first diagnosed, I became a success story. I did the work and gave up "control" and lived a symtpom free life for 12 years. I never forgot what happened and the pain but it was in my rear view mirror and just something that happened. Fast forward to December 17, 2021 and boom, triggering thought, and I knew exactly what was going on. Even though I knew what was going I went straight back into the old compulsions. I wanted "control." I didn't want what happened to happen again. Well, it did. I went straight down the slide. I stopped sleeping, eating and was just in constant fight of flight. Intrusive thought after intrusive thought with rumination and compulsions. The first thing I did was get into NOCD and I got an appointment. From the first go round I knew I needed specialist help. The problem was that I was trying to help myself by reading every book on OCD and trying to find the "magic pill" of information that set me free. I already knew about ERP and the thoughts not being me but my OCD so I was trying to self start my recovery but while I thought I was helping myself by reading and trying to re-educate myself, I didn't realize what I was doing was a compulsion and just feeding the cycle. There is a fine line for me in terms of looking for info and seeking out reassurance and I was crossing it all the time. Well, I realized it. Deleted every ebook off my phone. Only came on the app for therapy and to throw a post down (but I realized maybe that could become a compulsion, or it kept me in the thought loop of OCD, OCD, OCD). So, I stopped doing that as well. My other compulsion is really rumination which is a bit more difficult but I am trying. Now I am about 8 days into not doing any compulsions, except the odd rumination, which I try to catch quickly. I have seen significant improvement in things but have had days of set backs, I think really triggered by the fact that I had no sleep in a month and was going back and forth about starting on meds. Again, a control issue. I have been doing ERP daily, even on my worst days. On Thursday I could barely get off the couch. I was so tired and frustrated. The intrusive thoughts weren't so much there it was the exhaustion and the weight of making a choice to take some meds or not. What really helped was a good talk in therapy. Well, I decide to take the meds and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Not because of the meds but because of the choice and not to worry or ruminate on it anymore. Yesterday, I felt the best I have in a month. Thoughts were still there but came and went. Anxiety was low and my enjoyment for life was back. I felt like "me." Today is much the same. Thoughts come in and out more. And the rumination is less. I am on day 3 of meds so I am sure that may or may not be helping, but I am putting it down to a combination of these things. 1. Ceasing trying to "control" everything. 2. Stopping the compulsive seeking of knowledge/reassurance. 3. Better sleep 4. The meds but the say it takes weeks to see improvement and I am only on day 3. 5. Quality therapy 6. A super support group around me. Wife, kids, friend. 7. And probably most important. DAILY ERP All this said. There is hope out there. Even on Thursday I thought there was no hope. I had had great days prior to that but in that moment I could not see the progress I had made. I may have been at my lowest point and 2 days later I feel like I am at a great point. Hopefully it continues. For now I will take it 1 day at a time and be grateful for it all. I wish you all the best. There is hope even when it is dark. I wanted to share with everyone who needs a positive story. Hopefully mine will continue down that path but I know that I don't have "control." I can only try to make positive choices and choose the path that I want to live regardless of what my OCD brain tells me. You can do this!