I’m starting to think I’m just in denial and it scares me. When I was ruminating I came to the conclusion that my intrusive thought was true and I agreed with the contents. And then a few seconds later it freaked me out and made me so upset. Like I don’t want to agree with it and I don’t think I do, but I legit did in that moment and it’s horrifying. Like am I just in denial!!! Ah!

I have really bed harming intrusive thoughts and sometimes feels like it’s feeling! The thoughts happening every day and the hardest part is that I’m testing my self in head all the time if that’s what I am or want!!! Also, so many times feels like I’m been tricking myself and doctor or people and maybe I don’t have OCD, just that maybe it’s me really!!!! How can I know who I am really 🥹???!!??

I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)

Input please. Whenever I have a thought or come across something like news about pedophilia or other awful things, I feel like I try to make it okay in my head. Like I am trying to explain it away, excuse it. And when I look at that from a more compassionate lens, I think maybe I am just trying to process something bad. Maybe I am trying to make something horrific feel a little less horrifying so I can keep existing in a world where it happens. Because the truth is, whenever I hear about something terrible, it does not just go away. I do not have that ability to shove it aside and move on. I have to live with it. I carry it. I live my life alongside these awful things that exist. But then, when I look at it through a different lens, it gets darker. Maybe I am not trying to process something bad. Maybe I am actually trying to justify it. Maybe I am trying to convince myself it is not that bad… because deep down I agree with the people who do it. Or maybe I am afraid that if it were not so stigmatized, I would somehow be okay with it. And that thought worries me. I know that why someone holds moral values is not as important as the fact that they do. I know that what matters is your actions and your commitment to being a good person. It still scares me. I keep asking myself: am I trying to justify something awful just so I can mentally survive it, or am I trying to justify something awful because some part of me agrees with it?