You know how I know OCD is bullshit. My ocd/intrusive thought has morphed into something I quite literally know 100% that I would never ever do. Now I guess I still need to treat it as a maybe/maybe not. That is how I know it is not me, it's my OCD.

Okay I feel stupid and weak and pathetic but I need help so bad it’s gotten so bad I’m so sorry. You must think I’m such a creeper OK I’m frightened I’m changing and I’m really don’t want to. I was trying to comfort myself and then I act like my guys not and I shake my head in the negative but to me he’s always been a big deal and I don’t want him to go away And I keep shaking my head no but he is and I’m frightened I’m forcing it but I do love him and know he doesn’t know me but I’ve known him and loved him for years. So anyway I was trying to imagine this I don’t know if it’s even being flirty just being like joking around I guess with him and I imagine having a Rihanna song stuck in my head the one that goes “everyone’s looking at her but she’s looking at you “and I imagine flipping that around and singing about him and I’m scared he’s not and I don’t wanna get over him because he is a big deal I’m scared I haven’t said it in a long time but he is the most amazing guy I said even though I don’t I know him but not as much as I would like it’s hard to explain I don’t want to get into it. And I imagine joking around saying stop lying to me Rihanna and then I said there’s nothing more than I don’t know I don’t want to kiss Rihanna or women but I can’t stop saying there’s nothing more that my heart but it doesn’t want to do that. My heart does not want women there’s nothing more that my heart doesn’t want except I kept saying nothing my on my heart with a smile but why would I say there’s nothing more that my w wants with a smile when my Heart does not want women let alone her. And I can’t stop why would I smile if I’m straight? Escobar and I is the way I smile saying nothing more than for my heart does not want Rihanna does not want women My heart wants men not Rihanna my heart wants My guy. And I can’t stop doing this hand gesture I’m scared I’m changing I don’t wanna be I don’t wanna have a heart for women I’m not bisexual I want him/men broadly hymn specifically . I’m gonna can’t stop imagine putting my face up I don’t want my heart does not want women there’s nothing more than that I would not want not rather my heart doesn’t my hearts never been involved in this before and I keep saying that more often and I hate it! And I keep putting my hand out like I do I don’t want to do what guys do with women’s chest if you know what I mean. I don’t wanna squeeze them and I keep doing this hand gesture and how can I smile and I think that I don’t wanna squeeze boobs but I’m friend I am not up and down nothing more than my heart wants I don’t wanna kiss women I’ve never wanted that before so how can I smile and not how come I felt so open in my chest saying nothing more then what my heart wants my heart to never wanted women MY HEART HAS NEVEE WANTED WOMEN BEFOEE I said why does it start it’s not starting now but why did I smile and not I keep nodding deeply up-and-down my heart doesn’t wo women what’s going on . I’m scared this is proof I am and I don’t want to be but I don’t wanna live that life I’m not in denial. I’m scared my heart is not then I’m scared I’m smiling imagining looking at the naked statue differently and I don’t wanna look at her differ my I don’t want women