I was doing good this morning at school, just having a thought here and there, but not getting startled by them. Once I got home, though, the fear came back. Now I'm feeling terrified, sad and tired. I'm just so done with this nonsense. Why can't these insane thoughts just let me alone? If I really wanted what they tell me I do, I wouldn't be feeling like this. Would I? This is just an illness, but it seems so real, it feels like I'm just avoiding the truth, and it hurts so bad to think about this in this way.

I’m scared that I’m going insane. I’m scared that I’m gonna hurt someone. I thought I was getting better. Why is it coming back now? During the school day it’s usually okay and easy to distract myself, but when I am home it gets bad cause I have so much free time. It often makes me feel like I don’t recognize my surroundings and like life doesn’t feel real, even though I do!! Like I know where I am, but it feels like I don’t. It also does that with people occasionally where like I know them but my brain makes the connection I have with them feel weird. I’m scared that I’m going insane. I’m scared that I’m just gonna black out and hurt somebody, or lose all my empathy and hurt someone. I don’t even know where these come from, or how they relate but I can’t stop worrying about it. And I’m scared to post this because what if someone replies with yes, I am going insane. I just need comfort and reassurance, even though I know that would only make it worse. But how else do I deal with this?

I woke up today feeling a bit more positive the last few days have been really rough, been crying, having outbursts of shouting and today I just feel exhausted and don’t want to think about it but at the same time I was ruminating on it so much and worrying a lot and it feels really difficult to just suddenly forget about it, I’ve been worrying because it feels like when I imagine the thought it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ of imagining doing that, the thoughts are about smothering. It’s been feeling like the end of the world and I’ve been worrying because it feels like I actually want to act on the thoughts and it’s horrible, feel like I don’t trust myself. Today I feel exhausted and just want to feel normal again but feel like I can’t just go back to forgetting about it and feeling normal since the last few days have felt so rough and real like it couldn’t have all been for nothing, all that worrying? Surely it must mean something? And it feels like I could easily just start worrying again, I’ve got a bit of anxiety and feel uneasy already, but I don’t want another day of misery. But it feels like these thoughts definitely mean something and it feels like if I choose not to think about it because I’m still kind of believing it that I’m just trying to pretend I’m not evil by forgetting about it or postponing being evil 😞😞

Another rough day. Been dealing with the same intrusive thought for a month and every time I try to rationalize it I'll have a thought not intrusive that I think of that basically keeps reinforcing the fear and makes it still seem real. I am so exhausted. I have my beautiful son to take care of and I feel like my life is getting ripped away from me. I feel like I went too far thinking and that I'll never get out of it this time. And the thought is so silly but I just attached fear to it for whatever reason. A lot of people that don't have ocd/intrusive thought issues would probably make fun of me for the thought. I get embarrassed at how silly and weird it would seem to someone else. I'm scared I'm gonna go crazy or that I am crazy. I feel stuck inside myself. Lost somewhere inside myself. And a bit detached. I just feel hopeless again 😔. I just want to be normal and have a great life with my son 😔.