So yesterday I was just chilling on my bed and then I realized that I didn’t think about the thoughts for a while, (I don’t know why I do this) I then start to make myself think of the intrusive thought by myself, and then my mind kept telling me that it was me that was bringing up and these intrusive thoughts, even though it was my mind. My mind is now telling me that “oh you want a this” even though I never wanted it before, and I am scared, and I have no idea what to do.

I deal pretty heavily with this. The last couple days, I’ve had what I think are urges. Something pops into my head intrusively and then what stems from that is me WANTING to just indulge in it even though it’s gross. I get worried bc I used to struggle w thoughts about my dad for a long time until eventually I just purposely thought of him while self pleasuring and got off to it. While that’s something I did, it is NOT me. It all stemmed from my mental health declining a couple years back, I was never this way before. So I get worried that it almost happened or might happen with my pocd cuz I could never live with myself if it did.

I wanted to ask if it is possible to purposely think of an intrusive thought and then shifting your mind instantly to something else? Is it still an intrusive thought if you have been thinking of it 'purposely' for a second? I dont know how else to explain it, but it felt like I was purposely thinking of it. Anyone else had similar experience what happened during intimate moments like masturbation I feel so ashamed cuz the thoughts are so bad they're either about family members children and stuff like that it feels like I think it I just want to know if I'm not alone I feel like a monster because it feels like I thought these things or like I did think these things and I don't know what to do I feel so ashamed and grossed I need help I just want to know if anyone had a similar experience to shed light on because I don't know I feel so isolated

Why is my mind saying I should say my thoughts out loud and that it will be ok, I don't want to because it goes against my beliefs and it freaks me out because my mind is like you've done this and this an other bad things this can't hurt you, saying it will give you peace and it just randomly started yesterday and idk what to do. It's like I have no will power to want to stop it's like my mind wants me to say it and idk what to do.