- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
I wish I wasn't trans. I wish so badly. I don't want to be trans and I'm terrified. I wish I could be a girl but I just can't š
I recommend seeing a gender specialist to see if they can help you figure this out
But whatever gender you are good for you!
This is so extremely difficult, iāve never experienced having thoughts of being a different gender. iāve always been comfortable being a girl. iāve always been a girly girl. this all started a couple months ago and itās increasingly getting worse. iāve had times where i didnāt like my body but i always thought i could just go to the gym and fix it, never did i think i wanted to be a man. ever since these thoughts started i hate looking at myself in the mirror, i hate looking at my body, iām aware of my breasts all day everyday, i canāt look at pictures/ videos of myself. from the moment i wake up to the second i go to sleep i have these thoughts. iām in a panic EVERYDAY. i donāt want to be trans but my thoughts are convincing me i do. iāve never bat an eye when someone calls me a girl but now itās like iām aware of it which i hate. i hate that iām having these thoughts & itās convincing me that i want them & that i have to just come out and change. i want to be able to go back to being comfortable as a girl. this has left me feeling so hopeless and depressed, i canāt help but cry every day. has anyone else felt like their whole world was turned upside down?
I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.
Finally slept well today! Which is nice. Regardless, I feel like it has destroyed who I am. Its been over a year and a half, and I keep overthinking and questioning my identity and I canāt let it go to the point where I feel that my future is certain, even though Iāve liked myself the entire time and had a pretty stable idea of who I was. My mind has gathered enough proof. I love being a woman, and I donāt want a different body. I wasnāt born in the wrong body. I am obsessing over my voice, which needs no changes, and my chest. After speaking to a friend of a friend, Iām afraid Iāll want a sex change when I finally have a partner. Iām terrified. I donāt know if anyone can relate. I donāt know how to get over this and my first ERP session is in about a week. How do I even go about this? I feel like a monster to my own family.
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