im super duper new here and i immediately want to get this off my chest. its such a confusing situation. a few months ago i was in an online friendship with someone who was 16 (i am 13), and they dealt with constant abuse that was both physical, emotional, and sexual. i began to cry about them every single night and check messages to see if theyve replied almost every single minute. id edit my responses if they didnt respond for a bit in fear i had said something wrong. after they told me about multiple traumatic situations in detail, i began to obsessively think about me being hurt like that or me hurting other people. i questioned if i had ever hurt someone before or someones hurt me- the thoughts felt too real and absolutely terrifying. i felt like i wasnt allowed to be happy or be me. i literally began avoiding everything that made me happy. i wouldnt even read books or draw. just seeing that persons icon gave me a sense of despair. i completely pushed away all of my other friends. there was a specific fictional character that i find comfort in (and still do), but because that person had an incredibly negative concept of the character, i thought i was a bad person for liking them (and i still feel this way) i didnt know it was a bad friendship until i told somebody else about it. it got worse though. eventually i began to think that self harm was the only way out- that it was the only way that person would feel better. throughout all of this they kept on saying they were okay, but that unfazed my anxiety and obsession. i constantly tried to cut myself, watch things that made me upset (crime stories etc), and enforce rules on myself to be a "better friend". this went on for months. i found out i had ocd through all of this, and the person finally cut off the friendship. i cried very hard that night. its now been a few months out of that friendship and i still feel the need to constantly trigger myself-ill search up childhood sexual assault on social media and be absolutely swarmed by my emotions. my compulsions get mixed up and i will pace around for hours to the point where i physically cant walk. im in stages of recovery, but that situation hurts me so much- i still feel as if i cant be happy. i feel like im connected to that person on chains. am i allowed to be mad at them? they didnt mean to do any of that, but the damage was severe. im recovering, and so far what i need help with the most is hygiene and cooking. please suggest helpful ways to not be afraid or anxious to cook or have better hygiene, or your thoughts on the situation i went through. thank you!!! i hope this app helps me