I've been having obsessions about having cancer. Breast cancer specifically because I get cysts and lumps in my breast due to PCOS and some other hormonal imbalance issues. While I know this is causing me a great deal of distress, I never know when and if a time could be appropriate to go to a doctor without engaging in it as a compulsion. Except, I'm not sure if it matters either way because I've been checking my breast all day long for lumps and squeezing causing pain as well as reassurance seeking through stupid Google. When is the right time to even go to a doctor for a real concern? Ugh. No matter what I do, it seems like it's a compulsion..

content warning: MRI results I got prescribed MRIs done on my lumbar and cervical spine over the weekend, and several things came back abnormal in the report. I started to google when I saw a word ending in -oma, got a basic definition of this particular kind of t*mor (probably benign/non-cancerous), realized that googling in this case was for sure a compulsion, caught myself and put my phone away. I told myself, "I have an appointment with my specialist in 2 days. I trust this doctor, so I will delay/not do my own reading until after I talk to her, and only if she recommends further self-education." I stuck to it and I was proud of myself. Cut to the appointmet today. I got lost in the building where her office is and arrived 14 mins late. The receptionist said there's a 15 minute grace period, so I would have to reschedule. No availability for 2 MONTHS, even for telehealth. First of all, I am so ashamed of being late (that's another trigger for me), and so hurt and rejected that they wouldn't talk to me, even very briefly. Now the urge to google is so extreme. There are objectively concerning things in my report, based on what she said ahead of time that we were looking for, and what would affect treatment. I also have a LOT of c*ncer in my family history; 3/4 grandparents, an aunt on each side, and 1.5 bio parents (1 was skin c*ncer, 1 was prec*ncerous polyps removed but considered high future risk to be monitored), so "-oma" and "t*mor" are big red flags in my minds. So while normally I am actually pretty good about living and making peace with my chronic conditions, and health ocd is really only like 5 on my hierarchy, I know that I actually do have to be vigilant about c*ncer in some ways. My balanced solution is sticking to recommended observation scheduling, and then entrusting the research and checking to my trusted providers, so that I am not being negligent nor being compulsive. But now what? I hate waiting. Idk if/when I'll hear from her. Chronic pain in those regions due to curvature and degenerative discs are the reasons I have to get MRIs every couple of years, and now I am so somatically, obsessively aware of that pain and wondering what's going on. This post is a vent, and is my choice to express the anxiety without giving into the desire to google. I'm not seeking reassurance on whether I/my test results are going to be ok. Still, I think just some understanding and/or advice on holding myself accountable for not compulsing would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?

so about a week ago around june 12 or 13 coming back from the beach i was having vulva pain on one of the lips then eventually i went to grandmas house and everytime i bent down or moved around i was having some sharp pain “down there” eventually i was scared and then it started to kinda hurt to pee… and i was like ok this is kinda worrying me eventually i forgot about it for two days it didn’t hurt but then i come back and start to have it again. so then i was like okay i’m just gonna schedule a doctors appointment. i schedule my doctors appointment got tested and i was negative for UTI but i was having bad lower back psi so they sent off a cultural test and told me a few days after that i have bacterial vaginosis so i was like ok i’m guessing to get antibiotics for it… i get the antibiotics yesterday theyre capsules i can’t swallow them but i cut them and put it in apple sauce where it was so gross the smell was awful and the taste was awful… atp i got a liquid i haven’t took it yet.. but my stomach has been hurting and had numbness and weird tingling feeling down there… where it’s scaring me and now my stomach hurts almost like cramps but it makes me so nervous… i keep thinking i have ovarian cancer or some type of cancer or a cyst or kidney stones… even tho they told me i have bacterial vaginosis somehow i can’t believe them… but i soon start my period on the 30th and my OCD gets so bad 2 weeks before my period and symptoms start a week before my period… idk i’ve never had this OCD go out for so long but like my urine looks fine it’s just when i pee now it’s almost feels weird idk my stomach is hurting rn when i lay down and i’ve been freaking out ugh. and this morning i had sorenness down there… i also had some inner thigh pain… i can’t stop googling i keep thinking it’s something worse than i have from what the doctor told me