Diary 8/02/22 You know, for me, that September 7 OCD episode, became an indelible mark for pocd. A misunderstanding that I can't erase, an irreversible mistake, a false accusation. It was the pinnacle of everything I feared. The permament confirmation of pocd. If before that day it was all mental and I was able to ignore the thoughts, if before that day it was still a hypothesis and something that I could bear alone and in silence, now it's all "real." All these doubts, these fears that are typical of POCD started happening only after that day, before then I was just doing fine, I knew that I had pocd but it was just a mild inconvience for me, it was not as strong and stressful as now. I didn't really want to admit to have this type of ocd, because it frightened me, it disgusted me, but I had to confirm its existence out of necessity. (If everything that I'm feeling it's not ocd, I might just end my life). I had to etiquet myself with pocd since that day, and it still makes me feel disgusting and anxious. I hate that I have pocd. I hate that it's called "pocd". I hate that it has became a reality for me. The theme itself is horrifying, if other themes could still be somehow understood by people, this feels unforgivable, I feel like it's a guilt itself to have it. If that day never happened, I'd be in a far better condition with OCD. I would have never touched this low. I assumed that this kind of suffering was only reserved for "others", to the unlucky ones, that I would be excluded by this kind of pain. Just like when you see people in the media suffering from cancer, or other incurable diseases and you're almost egotistical in your gratitude that it's not you. You don't worry about it because the chances of it happening to you, your family, or your friends are extremely slim, and you move on not shortlu after. Because you're aware that there's some distance between you and that dreadful thing. But now that I've experienced what it's like to be on the other side, I have a new level of empathy and understanding that I didn't have before, and in a strange way, I'm grateful for it. "This is what had to happen to us". Just like others have to struggle with different issues, we have to deal with OCD. "A tree with deep roots, is not shaken by the wind, has beautiful flowers, and bears many fruits." And just like that, our roots grow deeper in the dark, ready to withstand any other struggle because we have already been through it. And because we know how it feels to be on the other side, we develop a new level of empathy and sensibility necessary to understand those who are on our same destructive paths, we also develop this new "yearning" to help others. (at least that's been my case, after all the bullshit that OCD has been putting me through I've decided that I'm gonna work on the mental health field, as a psychiatrist or a psychologist, to be the mentor I wish I had when shit was tough) Also I just want to say that all the people I've met here who have OCD have been the nicest people I've ever met. To be completely honest, I don't really know the answer to all of this, normally I'd say that all of us are just born unlucky, but I guess I wanted this to end with a hopeful note.

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.

Last year during April I started to experience groinal responses when I looked at kids. I was terrified of what it could mean and decided to attempt two weeks later. The very next day I had those responses I decided to attempt. I didn’t really have the courage to do so at that time but I started experiencing images about disturbing things done to kids and as days went by it got worse. April 16 was the last straw and I couldn’t take it anymore. I ended up in a mental hospital but before I ended up there I had searched up what I was experiencing. That’s when I started to understand that it was OCD. I felt relieved for a few moments until I felt the urge to get more information. I saw lots and lots of things and many comments saying that it wasn’t normal and that people who went through this were disgusting people who shouldn’t be allowed to roam free. That’s when my anxiety and fear became worse and I tried to get rid of it but nothing worked. I shook the entire time I was awake, I didn’t have motivation for anything anymore, I just felt so disgusting. In the end, I’m so glad I ended up in that mental hospital or else I wouldn’t be here with my friends and family. Thank you for reading my story, I’m so glad that I’m not alone

It kinda mind boggling to me how OCD can even cause stuff to happen to us physically as well. And it all feeling real. It only reminds me how flawed our bodies really are. If people were to hear of our situations they'd call us names and choose to stay ignorant. People fear what they cannot understand. Before this I could have possible have been one of them, but here I am. OCD really goes for anybody. Does not matter what ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation you are. It is a twisted disorder that likes to make others lives harder. If I were to tell myself before this that this would happen, I would'nt believe it. I was convinced I am evil, I cried for weeks. I had to sleep in my parents bedroom for a period of time cause I couldn't face the darkness alone. This application helped me greatly during this, cause I learned just as much about OCD as I did about myself. At the same time I get saddened cause I see people going through the exact same, or much worse. If any who come across this post have any questions for me, u can feel free to do so