Diary 8/02/22 You know, for me, that September 7 OCD episode, became an indelible mark for pocd. A misunderstanding that I can't erase, an irreversible mistake, a false accusation. It was the pinnacle of everything I feared. The permament confirmation of pocd. If before that day it was all mental and I was able to ignore the thoughts, if before that day it was still a hypothesis and something that I could bear alone and in silence, now it's all "real." All these doubts, these fears that are typical of POCD started happening only after that day, before then I was just doing fine, I knew that I had pocd but it was just a mild inconvience for me, it was not as strong and stressful as now. I didn't really want to admit to have this type of ocd, because it frightened me, it disgusted me, but I had to confirm its existence out of necessity. (If everything that I'm feeling it's not ocd, I might just end my life). I had to etiquet myself with pocd since that day, and it still makes me feel disgusting and anxious. I hate that I have pocd. I hate that it's called "pocd". I hate that it has became a reality for me. The theme itself is horrifying, if other themes could still be somehow understood by people, this feels unforgivable, I feel like it's a guilt itself to have it. If that day never happened, I'd be in a far better condition with OCD. I would have never touched this low. I assumed that this kind of suffering was only reserved for "others", to the unlucky ones, that I would be excluded by this kind of pain. Just like when you see people in the media suffering from cancer, or other incurable diseases and you're almost egotistical in your gratitude that it's not you. You don't worry about it because the chances of it happening to you, your family, or your friends are extremely slim, and you move on not shortlu after. Because you're aware that there's some distance between you and that dreadful thing. But now that I've experienced what it's like to be on the other side, I have a new level of empathy and understanding that I didn't have before, and in a strange way, I'm grateful for it. "This is what had to happen to us". Just like others have to struggle with different issues, we have to deal with OCD. "A tree with deep roots, is not shaken by the wind, has beautiful flowers, and bears many fruits." And just like that, our roots grow deeper in the dark, ready to withstand any other struggle because we have already been through it. And because we know how it feels to be on the other side, we develop a new level of empathy and sensibility necessary to understand those who are on our same destructive paths, we also develop this new "yearning" to help others. (at least that's been my case, after all the bullshit that OCD has been putting me through I've decided that I'm gonna work on the mental health field, as a psychiatrist or a psychologist, to be the mentor I wish I had when shit was tough) Also I just want to say that all the people I've met here who have OCD have been the nicest people I've ever met. To be completely honest, I don't really know the answer to all of this, normally I'd say that all of us are just born unlucky, but I guess I wanted this to end with a hopeful note.

itsjustwhoiam

98d ago

Thank you so much for your post

Nameless000

98d ago

keep going through whatever you're going through, I'm sure it's gonna be worth it someday, for all of us 💜

oneday🤍

98d ago

Beautifully written, thank you for your post.

Anonymous_1

98d ago

Thank you for sharing

Anonymous_1

98d ago

Also, if you don’t mind me asking. When u say the thing that confirmed your pocd, did u mean groinal reaponses? I’m asking cuz I’m nervous mine is not ocd cuz I had groinal responses before the theme and it makes me doubt

Nameless000

97d ago

Sorry for the wait, here's a long reply, I got a bit carried away and some of the things that I wrote could be a bit too messy to comprehend, I also hope to not have completely missed the point of your question: No, it's a bit intricate to explain , but with confirmation I meant that since that day, I've started avoiding k*ds, getting triggered every time I hear the word ****, carrying this overwhelming "guilt" with me everywhere I go, and having occasional flashbacks about that day. So I went from rejecting the idea of having ocd (because I was afraid of it) to accepting it out of necessity, because otherwise I'd feel like a monster. I already kinda knew that I had pocd, but it was very mild and at the time I was able to dismiss the thoughts, I still got bothered by seeing k*ds, but only that, I didn't feel this current intense distress. For these reasons I avoided etiquetting myself with pocd. But after that day pocd became an integral part of my life. But in answer to your concerns, groinal responses are very common in ocd, it stems from anxiety, they have absolutely no meaning, and the fact that you are so concerned about this shows to me that you're not a bad person. Keep in mind that "correlation doesn't imply causation". As we attacch unnecessary meaning to our thoughts we do the same with our body reactions. OCD is not about having groinal responses or not, they're just common anxiety reactions; OCD is all about doubt, which may even be a doubt inside a doubt, as in your case. You're currently trapped in a vicious circle; you're experiencing "backdoor spike OCD," which means that OCD is making you doubt that you have OCD by throwing everything at you to feed on your doubt. Also, it doesn't really matter if groinal responses happened before or after the supposed "confirmation" (if that's what you're asking). Perhaps I used that word incorrectly in my situation, but "confirmation" does not imply that everything before that was false. OCD is not something that becomes "authentic" or "real" only after a certain episode or factor, you simply become "more aware". You could say that OCD has always been with you, hidden; you don't know what it is, but you know that something is wrong, that YOU are wrong (not true, but it feels that way). But once you gain awareness, which can come from anything, you begin to understand it, and your compulsions become more "visible and noticeable". That's the only difference between "before" and "after", it doesn't matter if you had groinal responses before the theme. Obviously, very bad OCD episodes can leave you with a more lasting impression, invisible scars, worsening your obsessions, compulsions and triggers, which start to happen more easily and frequently. I'm sorry if this might not be what you needed to hear, I'm still trying to figure this out. Sending you strenght and self-compassion, we're all in this together.