Diary 8/02/22 You know, for me, that September 7 OCD episode, became an indelible mark for pocd. A misunderstanding that I can't erase, an irreversible mistake, a false accusation. It was the pinnacle of everything I feared. The permament confirmation of pocd. If before that day it was all mental and I was able to ignore the thoughts, if before that day it was still a hypothesis and something that I could bear alone and in silence, now it's all "real." All these doubts, these fears that are typical of POCD started happening only after that day, before then I was just doing fine, I knew that I had pocd but it was just a mild inconvience for me, it was not as strong and stressful as now. I didn't really want to admit to have this type of ocd, because it frightened me, it disgusted me, but I had to confirm its existence out of necessity. (If everything that I'm feeling it's not ocd, I might just end my life). I had to etiquet myself with pocd since that day, and it still makes me feel disgusting and anxious. I hate that I have pocd. I hate that it's called "pocd". I hate that it has became a reality for me. The theme itself is horrifying, if other themes could still be somehow understood by people, this feels unforgivable, I feel like it's a guilt itself to have it. If that day never happened, I'd be in a far better condition with OCD. I would have never touched this low. I assumed that this kind of suffering was only reserved for "others", to the unlucky ones, that I would be excluded by this kind of pain. Just like when you see people in the media suffering from cancer, or other incurable diseases and you're almost egotistical in your gratitude that it's not you. You don't worry about it because the chances of it happening to you, your family, or your friends are extremely slim, and you move on not shortlu after. Because you're aware that there's some distance between you and that dreadful thing. But now that I've experienced what it's like to be on the other side, I have a new level of empathy and understanding that I didn't have before, and in a strange way, I'm grateful for it. "This is what had to happen to us". Just like others have to struggle with different issues, we have to deal with OCD. "A tree with deep roots, is not shaken by the wind, has beautiful flowers, and bears many fruits." And just like that, our roots grow deeper in the dark, ready to withstand any other struggle because we have already been through it. And because we know how it feels to be on the other side, we develop a new level of empathy and sensibility necessary to understand those who are on our same destructive paths, we also develop this new "yearning" to help others. (at least that's been my case, after all the bullshit that OCD has been putting me through I've decided that I'm gonna work on the mental health field, as a psychiatrist or a psychologist, to be the mentor I wish I had when shit was tough) Also I just want to say that all the people I've met here who have OCD have been the nicest people I've ever met. To be completely honest, I don't really know the answer to all of this, normally I'd say that all of us are just born unlucky, but I guess I wanted this to end with a hopeful note.

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

(This post discusses Religion/spirituality in regards to Christianity. And thus touches on some Christian themes. But you dont need to be christian to read it/ or even benefit from it. So whatever walk of life your from and if your willing to give it a shot I hope it brings you some comfort too.) Hello soldier, how goes the day? But really OCD can make everyday feel like an uphill battle, and even at the end of the day you don't really feel like you won. Wherever your at in your journey today, know your not alone. I'm here talk about something specific, and if you've read the tags, you can probably take a guess. I have Religious OCD and a lot of other ones that interconnect with it. It wasn't always this way, but it has been the heart of my OCD struggle for the last decade. The battle has waxed and waned for that time but it has been terrible for over a year. Today I have spent trying to connect with God despite my OCD, and all my other issues. (Dont misunderstand me, ocd is a big part of my struggle-and it only to serves to exacerbate my other questions and worries.) Today I've tried to understand that God can handle my dirt and shame. And won't walk away even when I stop believing im not a lost cause.-and hey if you ever struggle to believe that God hasn't given up on you, your not alone. But im here to talk about something I've found in the last while. If your on this website then you know now that OCD is not something your alone with-despite knowing this it can be very hard to believe somebody has the exact same issues as you- and the more shameful it is-the less people want to talk about it. But GOOD NEWS- some of the people on this journey happen to be very brave (maybe you and me aren't feeling very brave right now, but thats okay too.) So I took the time this evening to look up some things about Christians with religious OCD. Because it is one thing entirely to know that OCD affects people from all walks of life. It is another thing to hear your thoughts come from someone else's mouth. So im gonna touch on a couple things I learned/relearned a few minutes ago. 1. Does your OCD make you question your salvation? If so, your not alone-this is something that a lot of people struggle with-and it can feel very scary. 2. Do you struggle to stop your compulsions? I think this is something we all struggle with no matter your OCD subtype. I have often tried to stop my compulsions ot even just delay them for a bit....but the guilt/shame creeps up on me, and i give after a bit because it's like a bird pecking on the inside of my skull-and then I feel increased guilt for trying to delay in the first place-its that little voice that says 'why did you tarry on the way to repentance.' (Yeah that voice is fantastic, it can actively impede your recovery to a stuttering halt if you let it. ) 3. All of our doubts leading back to one question. 'What if it's not just OCD?' Again I think this is something we all struggle with, but it can be especially difficult to deal with when your subtype has less physical evidence to go off of. Here's an example: when I was between the ages 5-10 my ocd centered around getting sick. Due to an incorrect allergy test-it was thought I had a dairy allergy. For almost 5 years I was on a dairy free diet. But, like I said the allergy test was incorrect. Nevertheless reincorporating dairy into my diet was a struggle. But it was less of one because I could active progress. The first time I drank milk was terrifying, but each time after that was easier and easier as I saw nothing happened. As much as I wish I could apply that to this subtype of OCD it's very difficult when there's nothing I can really do to be certain I have not sinned. (And im sure some other subtypes have the same problem) and so the question arises "What if it's not just OCD?" The what ifs will kill you-tonight i read how it's one of OCD favorite and most effective ways to keeping us trapped. (Feel scared and unsure-me too) I wish I could explain it the way I read about it if only to try and help you all understand. But the bottom line is this is another way OCD has disguised itself to make it look like a real threat. In closing (Land sakes alive, this was a long post and im still not sure if I made my point or not) all that doubt and fear your feeling-yeah dont let OCD use that against you anymore than it already has. (For a long time I've kinda looked down on ERP. Even if it worked for others, I didn't think it would work for me because how could this every be less scary with no physical reassurence -or worse what if by getting rid of my fear I tore down the one thing protecting me from actually acting on those thoughts. Tonight I feel hopeful again, if only a little (maybe even hopeful enough to give ERP a try)....and if your as tired, ashamed,sad, and weary as I am. I wanted to try and give you a little hope too. And if your feeling as lost as I was a bit ago try looking up some blogs from someone people who have your subtype-it is strangely effective to hear someone talk about fighting with doubts and recovery when you dont always feel sure it's possible. Good night brave adventurers....I dont know if today had more victories or losses for you but we're still here so it's not over yet.