Diary 8/02/22 You know, for me, that September 7 OCD episode, became an indelible mark for pocd. A misunderstanding that I can't erase, an irreversible mistake, a false accusation. It was the pinnacle of everything I feared. The permament confirmation of pocd. If before that day it was all mental and I was able to ignore the thoughts, if before that day it was still a hypothesis and something that I could bear alone and in silence, now it's all "real." All these doubts, these fears that are typical of POCD started happening only after that day, before then I was just doing fine, I knew that I had pocd but it was just a mild inconvience for me, it was not as strong and stressful as now. I didn't really want to admit to have this type of ocd, because it frightened me, it disgusted me, but I had to confirm its existence out of necessity. (If everything that I'm feeling it's not ocd, I might just end my life). I had to etiquet myself with pocd since that day, and it still makes me feel disgusting and anxious. I hate that I have pocd. I hate that it's called "pocd". I hate that it has became a reality for me. The theme itself is horrifying, if other themes could still be somehow understood by people, this feels unforgivable, I feel like it's a guilt itself to have it. If that day never happened, I'd be in a far better condition with OCD. I would have never touched this low. I assumed that this kind of suffering was only reserved for "others", to the unlucky ones, that I would be excluded by this kind of pain. Just like when you see people in the media suffering from cancer, or other incurable diseases and you're almost egotistical in your gratitude that it's not you. You don't worry about it because the chances of it happening to you, your family, or your friends are extremely slim, and you move on not shortlu after. Because you're aware that there's some distance between you and that dreadful thing. But now that I've experienced what it's like to be on the other side, I have a new level of empathy and understanding that I didn't have before, and in a strange way, I'm grateful for it. "This is what had to happen to us". Just like others have to struggle with different issues, we have to deal with OCD. "A tree with deep roots, is not shaken by the wind, has beautiful flowers, and bears many fruits." And just like that, our roots grow deeper in the dark, ready to withstand any other struggle because we have already been through it. And because we know how it feels to be on the other side, we develop a new level of empathy and sensibility necessary to understand those who are on our same destructive paths, we also develop this new "yearning" to help others. (at least that's been my case, after all the bullshit that OCD has been putting me through I've decided that I'm gonna work on the mental health field, as a psychiatrist or a psychologist, to be the mentor I wish I had when shit was tough) Also I just want to say that all the people I've met here who have OCD have been the nicest people I've ever met. To be completely honest, I don't really know the answer to all of this, normally I'd say that all of us are just born unlucky, but I guess I wanted this to end with a hopeful note.

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

So i am dealing with my third relapse of ocd and this time the theme is paranormal. So you can imagine how distressing it is. My ocd creates image intrusive thoughts and even gets scared and doubts normal eye vision things. But i am learning through it. But here are some things i have learned and learning : 1. Don't try to runaway from triggers : one thing i have learnt is that we may think that if we runaway from triggers our ocd thoughts will stop, its a big no, it will never because in ocd anything and everything can be a trigger. So even if you think that sitting in your room and not going out will help you, i will say for sometime but then again ocd will come up with new fear. Now i know it will create anxiety but don't runaway from your triggers it is indirectly feeding your loop. 2. Also i would say that try to ignore these thoughts and image intrusive thoughts. No matter how much they come try to shift your focus on something else. Something that gives you happiness like try to think about your dream job and what will happen if you get it, daydreaming a bit is necessary to ignore these negative thoughts, think of your family and friends, your crush, your love maybe. And after few minutes when you shift your focus towards other thoughts and things you will eventually realise that these negative thoughts lose their importance. I know it is extremely tough to shift your focus but you need to do it. Think about your hopeful future, imagine yourself being happy. 3. Ocd brings in a lot of anxiety which leads to brain fog and anxiety and anxiety can create fake sensations, visions and beliefs. It can even cause fake smell also, so whenever ocd brings in the thought that what if i saw something, or what if i listened to something, what if i smelled something just say that anxiety creates fake sensations and it is scientifically proven. Also due to anxiety we become hypersensitive so our senses become more active they tend to notice things more easily. Like being hypersensitive means you will notice normal sounds more, peripheral vision illusions more certain smells more. And it is fine, our body is in hyper alert mode so it will. 4. Even when you start feeling a bit fine and bit okay don't expect that ocd will fade away immediately. It won't fade away immediately, it will take time, your hyper sensitive and anxious brain will take time to normalise things. It may take month or something. And in this moment you will get intrusive thoughts, maybe more weird or bizzarre images or thoughts. Because the brain had gotten into the habit of negative thinking, worrying and anxiety so yeah there will be moments when it will doubt many things, when it will bring extreme intrusive thoughts, try your best to not ruminate over it. 5. I have realised that we ocd sufferers have one thing in common we are very creative people, we love art and expression. And our minds have the habit of constantly think something. I have noticed that my ocd relapses only when my mind is empty, like when it has nothing else to think about, when i am idle and and my life is lonely with no external stimulation. So try to find a purpose and give direction to yourself that's it. Ocd increases when serotonin and dopamine decrease so try to maintain your serotonin and dopamine levels by having healthy diet, investing it into something you like maybe writing, art, music, acting anything you like. You can start a blog or a page or write a book about your ocd journey. 6. Lastly i would say that accept it that yes my brain is a bit more anxious, and it is fine. Also everyone is fighting a battle inside them, we are suffering from our thoughts, some are dealing with something else, and don't try to seek much reassurance or give attention to ocd thoughts, just let it be there and shift your focus. Think about how there are much important things in your life. And ocd happens when we are very scaredy like the ones who get scared easily, so try to win over your fears, win over it. It picks up our greatest fears and feeds on it. Win over these fears that's it. At the end i would say yes the fight is very tough, even though i have understood so many things about it, yet many days i go through the depression, i go through the anxiety, i go through the sadness, and there are days when i just sleep a lot to escape these thoughts and this fear because paranormal ocd is very draining. But i am learning through it and yes one day we all will defeat it. Keep learning, keep fighting, keep growing, stay strong. Ocd is just our mind trying to pull itself inwards away from the external world. Get into the external world, face the real life and real issues, ocd thoughts are imaginary and not real issues.

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)