Hi I have a problem with getting really bad thoughts that I am just the ugliest most disgusting person ever and these thoughts give me extreme anxiety and I usally cope with them with either caking makeup on or going on a spending spree so that I can look more like the girls in my classes. I go on Amazon try to find the best products to take my eye bags away, and I order it all. Then I get terrible anxiety that I spent to much money and that I will soon have no money. It’s just an endless cycle and it’s so exhausting I don’t know how to change the cycle. The intrusive thoughts about myself are too much to handle.

I had a few gift cards for Joann fabrics saved up from when I was in highschool, it was at least 150$ worth of Joanns gift cards. But I always feel a lot of guilt and anxiety surrounding spending money and I never used them, I always felt like I hadn’t earned it. About a month ago or so, I talked with my therapist about spending them online as an exposure. I added a bunch of things to my cart and then at the last minute, I closed out of the page and didn’t go through with it. I felt so anxious about choosing the wrong things, and so guilty about how wasteful and frivolous it is to buy new things for fun. I always feel guilty buying new things because the system is so unethical, and also because I feel like I haven’t earned them. I think about all the things I still need to do and how irresponsible I have been, and how spoiled I must be that I think I deserve all these shiny new things because I want them while other people are homeless or struggling just to eat. I always think about how I should spend my money donating to better causes because there are people who need it more than me, but I also never feel like I can donate anywhere because I get worried about how much to donate and wether I’m a bad person for not giving enough. Well anyway, Joann fabrics is going out of business now. So I finally went in person to spend them, but it turns out they no longer accept gift cards due to the store going bankrupt. I know it sounds silly, and it’s just a silly craft store and ultimately in the grand scheme of life it is not a big deal, but I feel so disappointed that I wasn’t able to follow through with the goal I had set before. I always thought I would save them for a special time when I had earned them, but that time never came, there is not some magical occasion where I feel like I have finally earned my own permission. It’s just a cycle of refusing to reward myself because I always feel like I haven’t earned it. I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this, I haven’t posted on here before because I always talk myself out of it but the whole thing just got me thinking. I don’t wanna spend my life waiting until I have done enough good deeds and cleared my moral slate enough that I have earned the right to live my life, that time never comes. It just really hit me today

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

It's been more than two weeks im obsessing over social media especially my classmate who have freedom to do whatever like wearing revealing clothes be on social media. I've been buying clothes to do exactly like her which I really don't want to do it. But still I planning when to wear and when is the perfect timing. Also even if I wore ut my picture looks ugly then I might pan to do other day. The thing is I'm continually thinking when and how especially when your family member are lil strict. I'm think I ng continually which is effecting my studies alsoeven if I job I still plan when what if I didn't got time. I'm fedup I want to be happy and stay happy. I can't do this anymore because i can't have anxiety due to my heart problems. Plz anyone help me I will be so greatful. Plz and plz.