i think the hardest part for me is the uncertainty. i know i didn’t do anything but my brain just refuses to agree and pushes it harder. i have so many goals in life and they’re all being taken away because of the awful things my brain says i’ve done.

I don’t know how to stop this, but I feel like I physically can’t accept uncertainty about my obsession. I’m having an obsession over prayers. It’s led me to worry about praying for an inappropriate fleeting desire. Me being suicidal has led to my brain using that against me to come up with things I could pray for, like a meteor strike while I’m sleeping (because I would die, so it’s something I really wouldn’t mind). The issue, is earlier today, I might have prayed for it, but I don’t remember if I did. Most people will say it’s intrusive thoughts. It might be, but if I did it in the way I think, I’m not sure that’s the case. But I can’t remember if I did it, and I feel like I literally physically cannot accept uncertainty, no matter how hard I try

I cant get over this thought that is messing my recovery up so much. it was “if you dont act on your thoughts this will never go away” which led to thoughts like if i even wanted to get better, if i even want my life back, if i even WANTED this to go away, etc. im scared. im confused. is this normal? am i gonna have to act on this stuff now? im mainly concerned about my family. i dont wanna hurt them. this disease is horrible. this subtype is horrible. i love my family. why would i want to hurt them? im so afraid this is it for me. i try to do what everyone tells me. ignore the thought, let it sit, sit with the uncertainty/discomfort but the anxiety doesn’t go away. this thought keeps coming back with a vengeance. i thought i was making great progress but im back where i was. i ruminate about this 24/7 and i dont know how to stop. we tried sitting on the couch together last night and it felt like i was RESISTING hurting them. im in constant awareness that i can act on these anytime and it hinders my daily life and work so much. everytime i talk to anyone in my family i feel things like i shouldnt be talking to them if im gonna hurt them and i dont deserve to be around them. i feel like i dont deserve to be alive, i dont deserve to be happy, and i dont deserve to be comfortable. i feel like a psycho whos never gonna get to live life with a husband and family. i feel like i don’t deserve my sweet boyfriend. i dont want my thoughts to latch onto him. this is my mind when i wake up, when i try to go about my day, and when i go to sleep. it feels like it just wont dissipate regardless of what i do. the cycle never ends. its been 4 MONTHS. what the fuck do i do anymore

My ocd them has gotten worse and I’m trying my hardest to not look for reassurance. Why does my mind play these tricks on me that I’m saying my thoughts out loud????? I’m trying my hardest to ignore it but it’s making me depressed. When I’m ignoring it my brain will go to “everybody will talk about you” “you said something bad” “you said it out loud and when you’ll live a terrible life”. I don’t know what to do anymore