As far as ocd , I’ve been feelings okay . But I feel like shit still. I can’t stop thinking about my ex friend who I also like . I am so envious too . It hurts that we’re no longer friends and we haven’t spoken to each other since our fight . It’s been 3 months almost . Bht last we talked , it was more of a confrontation and that’s when things got heated and things really ended officially for both of us. I happen to be obsessive of him not ocd related ik by heart. I am genuinely into him and I can’t seem to stop comparing myself to him as well. Which is why I am jealous of his own lifestyle and overall just him as a person. He’s the beauty faced, free spirited clear minded free guy who goes out does all sorts of things like traveling, clubbing , partying, just an active person off /on social media . He’s free spirited ! I’m surprised we even bonded and stayed close contact with each other . Me on other hand , the mentally ill , insecured , gay kid who suffers from ocd while also balancing social anxiety and everyday struggles of low self esteem . But just overall being mentally or emotionally unstable . I am hoping to reach out someday and reconnect with him and make things better. Meantime , I just have to suffer with the fact that he’s doing all fun and cool things without me . I am also into him too :( but I feel insecure so much because of my self esteem . I want to glow up so bad . I worry how one day he will find someone else 😔despite of not ever being in relationship with him . Nor has he known about my feelings I have for him. This puts me in a worse emotional state . I feel fragile all aside from constant struggle of ocd . This has been issue for me last couple of days is coping wit the loss of a friend . Anyone have advice ??

I know!!!! It's like grieving. It's so hard!

I constantly check his Instagram page all the time . I guess it’s because I’m hurt by the feeling of missing him . But as well, I am hurt by seeing of what I don’t have that he does . If that makes sense ? He’s always doing things all traveling and meeting his idol and going to concerts . I was originally supposed to attend one with him . We had planned our trip , but as of now , we no longer speak to each other because we are no longer friends.

Does he know you like him

I am trying my hardest ! But it’s so hard when I feel tempted to check his insta but yet I feel anxious doing it because I’m scared I’ll see he’s found someone . Just mainly because I miss him and looking back hurts .

We started off as fwbs - and became bit close and bonded . We just had our ups and downs in friendship - I felt there was lack of communication , with him at least . He was sincere at one time where he said why he ignored me for a bit . It wasn’t even ignoring - he was just lil distant for bit , but overall we had always been talking on regular basis . I felt I screwed shir over and gas lighted because of my dumb way of handling stressful situations . So I took it upon myself to block him and it wasn’t first time . He had the idea that this would become a habit for me I think and that’s why he stopped talking ever since . I dmed him a while after , weeks later- I confronted him about a rumor went on he had been talking shit about me and a friend . But turns out , it was all a lie and none of it was true. Even when I tried coming forward about that he was ignoring me regardless ...a week later he replied to my dm . He basically said leave me alone and had asked for me to stop . I was hurt because I knew that I wanted to keep talking ...anwyays , I tried explaining that basically it was confrontation , but it was all false rumors . He responded with its okay whatever just good luck with ur future relationships after all of this . I obviously took that offensive and gaslighted the whole situation by telling him off and pulling same shit by blocking him. Ever since we haven’t spoken at all. It’s been 3 months counting last time speaking as friends & 1 momth ever since speaking to each other at all. I genuinely blame myself and do think it’s my fault . I want to reconcile our friendship but not sure he’ll want the same . I miss him so much .

Regardless if whether we become friends again or not , I am a nervous wreck of coming forward about my feelings for him . As my post already explains everything - I have low confidence and have low self esteem because of it . I would totally be dying in the inside during our friendship .