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17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

Cross post from Reddit: TW Religious ocd TW Racism This is going to confuse a lot of people but I’ll try my best. OCD could be tricking me. I don’t know. But I’ll do my best to explain. Warning: there are some extremely sensitive themes including racism. OCD has caused me to worry about making bad prayers. It is mainly an anxiety of what others would think of if I prayed for something bad. Basically, it can think of something bad, and I can think of why I want it, and say “amen” pretty easily. Not sure if that constitutes a prayer really since it is ocd driven, and might even feel more real to me than it actually is, but it gets very complicated. None of this makes any logical sense to anyone but me, but to me it makes sense and that’s the issue. My mind invented something where I can pray to pray for something. Yes, that’s right, and it makes no sense. Essentially these ideas for prayers come in automatically. I don’t necessarily choose them. I can somewhat choose how I react, but that is where it gets tricky. OCD also blunts my emotions with certain prayers or makes things feel more real than they are So, what happened, is my ocd targeted the theme I was most worried about having a bad prayer about, which was unfortunately racism. In the past, I made a mistake that was racist (I won’t get into what it was here), and I thought about it a lot. I imagined people never wanting to forgive me and saying I deserve to suffer forever. Additionally, worrying about making racist prayers made this go up. It was frustrating, because with ocd it can take what people say too literally. So if someone says: “you deserve to suffer,” I might be thinking that thinking about it 10 hours a day for multiple months was justified. This made me have a misdirected frustration towards the people I perceived as yelling at me, which was unfortunately people of color. Here’s where ocd comes in with the prayer obsession. OCD gave me the idea: well you’re so mad at them you could pray for them all to die. Unfortunately, with the prayer obsession I’ve had, I’ve had a bit of a history with doing bad prayers when I’m not feeling great, and I don’t know if that is just part of the ocd or not, or just doing them to do them. One example is world war 3. I don’t want people to get hurt, but when I was feeling horrible I thought “screw it, I’ll pray for it cause I want to die.” I knew God wouldn’t actually do it, and the normal me didn’t want him to. Then, and I don’t know why, it seemed extremely easy for a moment to pray for people of color to die, and I actually almost did it, but I stopped myself. This is where the praying to pray comes in. With ocd, if I have a moment where I almost did a bad prayer, my mind “saves” that mindset, and it is possible for me to go back to it any time. So this situation will present itself many times to me. With praying to pray, I can essentially be put back in the mindset at any time no matter what is going on, and by saying “amen,” my brain basically magically does it and it feels like the same thing. Because it feels real to me, it seems like the same thing as a prayer. Last night that is what I did for this and I regretted it less than a two seconds later. So basically, I ended up doing a prayer that was racist. This is exactly what happened in that moment. This isn’t who I normally am (although my brain would disagree), but in that moment, with magical thinking, I prayed for all people of color to die, out of what my brain said was “hatred.” My brain also said I felt genuine hatred, but I don’t think I really do. I think it is all related to a misdirected frustration of feeling like I was yelled at, which stemmed from ocd. After the prayer, all those feelings were immediately gone. I don’t know how messed up my brain was, or how much of a role ocd played. It probably at least blunted my emotions. It sort of came on all of the sudden too, but I did it. I’m really sorry. I don’t hate people of color despite what my brain says, but I feel like I did something really bad. When I sit with what happened and don’t engage with it, it does not feel like a big deal at all. The guilt is almost all ocd driven. So I don’t know if that means there is something I’m missing or not. I might be missing something, but I know what happened in the moment

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... the real events were so extremely horrible and awful... i g4g and v0mit even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious...