I have this amazing boyfriend. But he communicates in different ways than I do, which my OCD tells me means that there’s a million red flags, we won’t work, he doesn’t love me the way I love him, etc. This causes a disconnect between us because I’m constantly seeking validation and getting triggered and having obsessive thoughts that constantly ruin my day. How do I keep my triggering thoughts from dictating how good of a day I have or how happy I am? How can I stop depending on my boyfriend for validation on our relationship’s health and strength, or his family’s thoughts on me? Because my OCD could turn this relationship sour and unhealthy real fast. So how do I put a kabosh on it? Anything helps. Em

Hi Em. I deal with the same thing as you. I know exactly how you feel. Have you looked up the 5 love languages? My boyfriend shows love in different ways, and my ROCD/my love languages needs “words of affirmation”. So when he is not as vocal then I get anxious. Lately I haven’t been acting on my compulsions. For example, if I’m triggered by an old conversation or just something that doesn’t agree with my OCD, I try not to bring it up with him. I write down my thoughts and maybe talk about it with someone else, but NOT him. Try to see other ways that he expresses his love for you. Let go of the little things. I know it’s so hard but you will be thankful in the long run!

Have you practiced ERP and mindfulness? I think it could help in this situation. Don't try to push the obsessive or triggering thoughts away. Accept that they are there, but don't entertain them. Try as hard as you can to resist doing your compulsions. If you seek verbal reassurance or validation from your boyfriend, try to wean yourself off of doing so by limiting yourself to asking 5 times a day, then 4, and so on. This also applies to mental compulsions, but it can be easier to begin with physical compulsions. When you feel ready, try bringing mindfulness into the equation. Mindfulness doesn't have to be meditation. It can simply be a) observing your OCD thoughts without judgment and b) grounding yourself in the present moment. For example, when you're with your boyfriend and you can feel your mind start to spiral, try acknowledging the thoughts' presence without judgment, then return to what you and your boyfriend are doing. This is difficult to put into practice, but the key to this is patience and self-compassion. I hope this somewhat helps. I also have ROCD and I've spent years seeking validation from my boyfriend and obsessing about our differences. Slowly, I'm adjusting to accepting that OCD will generate thoughts I don't want. Instead of fighting against them, I'm choosing to enjoy my relationship--even if the thoughts and urges for validation are going on in the background.

i deal with this as well and to be honest i have no idea how to help this. i’m struggling as well but what the above comment said about love languages has brought some peace to my mind! giving yourself and him enough grace to know that it’s not you or him it just may not be the way he expresses love and it’s not his fault. here for you 100%