this isnt ocd related but i just wanna come on here to vent. i live at home with a very traditional, catholic, hispanic family and a while back my boyfriend and i were talking about spending the night at a local resort for valentines day, which knowing my family they would strongly disapprove of making a decision like this. However, I’m turning 22 in a few months and for about 3 years now i’ve been paying my own bills aside from rent. I work a full-time job, go to school and therapy and other than when me and my boyfriend go on dates i typically just stay at home. So after deciding with my therapist that the best course of action is to sit down with my parents and talk about it with them. I dreaded the idea because my parents and i often have non-constructive confrontational arguments when it comes to certain values that conflict with each other. In this case, mine is about being able to exercise my independence as an adult and their value is about not spending the night with someone you’re not married to. and when i finally had that conversation about my plans and what that means to both of us a few days before my trip, things actually went really well. we both were able to get our point across and they weren’t automatically denying me permission, refusing to hear me out, raising their voices, etc. and it concluded with things ending calmly with both of us on the same page about the fact that they dont have control over the decisions i make on my own as an individual adult and that they’ve done their part as parents in raising me to always have what i need and making sure i am a good person with moral values. Or at least that how i interpreted the conversation. Fast forward to the night before I’m supposed to go on my trip, I come home from work to let them know that i plan on opening at my job the next morning and intended on coming home to clean my room and pack my things before heading out to my trip. They had completely forgotten about it and then told me that i didn’t have permission to stay the night. this ensued a giant argument where they refused to let me go and i told them they didn’t have authority over me like that anymore. the conversation shifted everywhere from how “its their house their rules” and “i’m my own person”, to me expressing how conflicting its been to grow up in one culture within my household while navigating a completely different one being a first generation american, and how they feel forced to change themselves for me so that i could do whatever i want and that they should be happy for me even if they don’t agree with it, to how they feel disrespected that im not willing to follow their rules and ignore their authority. it came down to me not wanting to compromise staying the night instead of spending the day and coming home. i was furious and disappointed. but that day i decided to stick to my original plan, still trying to keep my parents updated while i was gone. and i admit it was equal parts stubbornness and feeling like i needed to set a boundary in regards to being controlled and no longer being a kid. after having gone and having a wonderful time, im home now with everyone at home giving me the cold shoulder. sure enough both of my siblings who no longer live at home found out, and have hinted at it over text. both my parents are ignoring me. which is fine, i knew and accept that this isn’t going to sit right with them, and im not sure for how long either. but regardless im sad because i know that i hurt them, and i thought that if i could sit down and talk to them like a grown up would that we could somehow come to a mutual understanding. the last thing i want is to regret a very special moment i spent with my loved one that he very generously and earnestly planned and funded for us to enjoy. and i wanted to make it clear that it was never my intention to hurt them just because i wanted to be able to do something like this for myself. it sucks that i cant have something like staying overnight at a resort with a loved one as an adult without also hurting my parents who i love. they have every right to feel the way they do and react how they want but it still hurts very much. regardless of how this situation went someone was going to end up feeling shitty, i already planned to react the same way they are. now that i think about it i still wouldve had just as much fun if i didnt stay the night, and theres no one to blame but myself. i think this post was a huge attempt to convince myself and whatever audience this may have that i did nothing wrong. now all i can think about is beating myself up 😞 not seeking for reassurance, just expressing that i feel all kinds of things, like guilt but also gratefulness and disappointment. and how i feel alone, because i dont want tell my boyfriend and make him worry or feel bad, or my siblings because they also think im selfish and impulsive. besides, i dont see my therapist for another week. i know the best thing would be to offer myself some self compassion right now, im just having a hard time mustering the courage to do so when i feel like i dont deserve it right now.

LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?

Hey all this is my first post so i’m kind of nervous. I’d like to hear feedback from outside sources and people not directly in my life who might be biased. I am not sure if this is an OCD thing or maybe just an anxiety thing but I would love some advice. I am a night owl and the rest of my family is not. I’m an adult who still lives with my parents since i’m saving money to move out. Every night I stay up until around 12:30 in our living room to relax and wind down with a quiet house (like my own me-time) and then go to bed. My parent’s room is right off the living room and they close their door while I’m awake so they can sleep. They told me not to be up past midnight since their room gets “too stuffy” with the door closed. I haven’t been doing well with midnight but try my best to shut everything off by 12:30 at the latest. They got mad that I don’t listen and now say I am not allowed in the living room after they go to bed. So when they go to bed I have to confine myself to my bedroom. I like my routines and thinking about trying to wind down (by reading or crocheting) in my bed feels wrong because my bed is “for sleeping” only. I feel like I don’t have a comforting safe place to relax before bed now and when I have tried to explain that to them they don’t care and say i’m disrespecting them. I’m curious what you might think about the situation and would appreciate feedback, regardless if i’m in the wrong or not. It makes me wish I didn’t live here but I don’t really have anywhere else to go.

Hi. I'm just sort of feeling kind of shitty and in moments like these I tend to swing to one extreme or the other, like methodicially and intensely trying to pull apart every piece of what I am feeling and why, determine what is a "real" problem and what is just a bad mood, and take action to "fix" myself, the problem, or ensure that future me will fix it by setting reminders, planning, or just generally freaking out lol. That can all be a bit compulsive, but I don't want to do my other thing, which is just aggressively ignore or try to deny my feelings because they are "not real" or I just need to "let them go". But I'm feeling a little frozen in my fears so I am hoping de-tangling it a bit in words here will be a good middle ground. I'm about to be a senior in college, and I live in the city where my school is. I haven't seen my family for a bit and I am currently spending a weekend with them at the beach. Today was just kind of rough and has made the past, present, and future collide in my head, fanning fears of both external problems and the fear of fear itself, the fear of OCD spirals. I want to more specically describe the problems I have been having since starting college, but I guess for getting through today that isn't really the point. I guess just....I've been trying to create a life for myself and become someone who is strong enough to live it. I have ADHD and OCD and sometimes it just feels like half my energy goes to functioning through that, and the other half goes to resisting the OCD-urge to spiral about the future, to fear I'll let my life fall apart or won't be able to fix the normal, big and small problems life brings. Today has just felt.....hard. I ate something that made me really sick last night, and I didn't take my normal dose of Adderall today or yesterday which can just make me sort of sleepy. On both phsyical counts, I think I'm fine and don't really feel bad anymore, it just sort of triggered some overthinking. I feel scared that feeling kind of tired has/will effect my ability to enjoy what is supposed to be a relaxing time, or that I won't' have as much energy as I should to do things with my family and will disspoint them. I'm scared that the journey back to the city tomorrow will be chaotic and awful, and that when I return I will continue to make mistakes that put me in negative cycles. Strangely, I'm kind of aware that all of these concerns are either possibly not going to happen, or are just things I definetely cannot do anything about right now. I'm just sort of...frustrated that I can't easily shove away worries I know to be "illogical" and deeply afraid of spiraling deeper. All of these different things overlapping right now just sort of make me feel like I've failed. Failed to.....I don't know, resist compulsions and get over them faster, accomplish things in life and school faster/more, be less socially anxious. Failed to get on the right track, to make any kind of progress. Strangely, a lot of the discomfort I'm feeling in this moment indirectly sort of comes from things I am doing "right", to break cycles. I didn't bring my meds because I want to work on the discomfort I feel with spending time without the goal of productivity, I don't have an exact plan for everything I need to do and I have not psyched myself up to tackled my most urgent goals when I get home because I've also been working on finding ways of doing uncomfortable things that don't involve motivating myself through terror when I can't do anything about it. I'm letting myself take time to cry about all these feelings and write this out here because I don't want to deny myself what I need to get better because I feel like I shouldn't need it. I'm hoping, in a way, even the shitty day I've had today is a sign of progress, my OCD desperately seeking a host in fear of fear because I am beating other compulsions. I think there's also something to be said for the unserious but still powerful issue of just fucking being on vacation with your extended family. Like....its hard to take a moment to cry it out or calm yourself down when you're sharing a bedroom with your mom and sister. I'm feeling glad I'm going home tomorrow, scared of how I might feel when I do, and I guess....fearful of what it means that I wasn't "able" to enjoy myself for the whole time I was here. But those feelings do feel much more distant, after writing this. The time will pass and I will go home regardless. When I get home, maybe I will make "better" choices or be "stronger", maybe I will dig a deep hole for myself. Either way, that's not my burden right now or today. I've tried that method and it didn't get me what I want.